Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Guys are Clueless

So my brother sent me this article about how guys can't read signals from women. His email said, "I am curious to see what kind of commentary or memoir is inspired from this recent study."

The premise behind the article is that guys can't really tell when a woman is interested in them. They just don't get flirting. Guys sometimes think the woman is way interested when the woman is just being friendly, but guys also have a hard time picking up on the "come hither" signals.

I am not sure that I could add anything insightful to the article except to say, "That's about right." Being single was not easy or fun for me, and I do not intend to be single ever again. Most of my time being single was spent misinterpreting friendliness as interest and disregarding actual interest as mere friendliness. Plus, I get socially awkward around really attractive women. Usually, if I'm around a really attractive woman, I let my wife do the talking while I hang back, smile, nod, and try to look smart.

The more I think about the article, the more I think about situations where I've tried to be be smooth, suave, and intelligent, but what comes out of my mouth is a borderline-insulting mess.

With that in mind, here is a list for all of the attractive women in the universe to give you an idea what a conversation with me might be like:

Eleven Intending to Be Totally Nice, But Coming Out Socially Awkward Things I Would Probably Say to a Really Attractive Woman if the Opportunity Presented Itself

1. Tina Fey

"I bet guys try to show you how funny they are all the time. Have you heard this one - Why did the chicken cross the road? Haha. No seriously. Wait- Don't go!"

2. Jessica Hagy

"Your blog is totally awesome , but it would be really cool if you started doing some intense mathematical proofs on it, just, you know, for fun."

3. Joan Cusack

"Ok, that speech you did at the end of 'Adams Family Values' it one of the best things I've ever seen EVER! Do it now! No, wait- wait- I'll get you started. Mal-i-bu Barbie!"

4. Veronica Belmont

"Hey, remember me? You put LOL in response my post on that bulletin board that one time. Yeah... that was awesome. Did you know your smile is a perfect trapezoid? I've always thought trapezoids were the best geometric shape. I mean, parallelograms are sooooo boring!"

5. Carrie Fisher

"You know, if you could somehow be smooched with Olivia Newton-John and be sent back to 1977 and if somehow I was an adult then, we could probably get married. I'm just sayin'."

6. Shania Twain

"I actually bought one of your albums. And this one time, I listened to it all the way through. Then I sold it. Um.. accidentally. Accidentally sold it... on eBay."

7. Natalie Portman

"I bet it creeps you out when guys tell you how hot you were when you were twelve, huh?"

8. Olivia Newton-John

"You know, if you could somehow be smooched with Carrie Fisher and be sent back to 1977 and if somehow I was an adult then, we could probably get married. I'm just sayin'."

9. Michelle Pfeiffer/Halle Berry/Julie Newmar/Eartha Kitt

"So do you ever just, like, you know, put on your old Catwoman costume and paraded around your house... just for fun?"

(Note: I would also probably say something along these lines if i ever spoke to Ruby Rocket.)

10. Sarah Vowell

"Yeah, I'm street. But I digz the public radio. Yo, I be down with them NPR homies of mine. I'm a donatin' fiend, yo! My donatin' math equation is schizzle to the zizzle power."

11. My Sweet, Long Suffering Wife

"So I made this Top Eleven list on my blog and you came in at Number Eleven. But it was one of those lists where the order didn't mean anything. And by 'didn't mean anything' I mean that Number Eleven was the best. I mean - you are the best. Yeah... I'm probably not going to blog about attractive women again any time soon."


Courtney said...

Interesting article! As a friendly person, I have had a fair amount of trouble with that, but thought it was something I was doing wrong. Over the years, I just stopped making eye contact and being friendly with men I don't know, which is sad, but safer. Especially after that fellow in grad school got almost stalkery and blew up yelling at me at my work when I told him I had a boyfriend.

Lucky you, you married the prettiest, smartest, funniest girl on that list.

Gyuss Baaltar said...

Sarah Vowell could read me the phone book, and I'd still get turned on.

heather said...

g, bad pun. you could do better than that.

m.rt, you sound like a very lucky man. :-)

Gyuss Baaltar said...

Heather, that was a serious statement, no pun. You've never listened to Sarah Vowell. Sexy!

M. Robert Turnage said...

Gyuss, I stopped buying Sarah Vowell's books and only purchase her audiobooks now. She reads them and sometimes sings on them. IJS.

And Courtney, you are right about my wife being the best on the list.

And Heather, yes, I know I'm a lucky man. I cannot give any romantic advice because I honestly have no idea how I wound up where I am. All I did was fail repeatedly, give up, and then get blessed out of the blue.

Gyuss Baaltar said...

Roberto, that is freaking brilliant. I'll just tell the wife I'm buying the audiobooks because I want to listen to them on my bike ride.
Is it wrong to get hot when she talks about minor characters involved in the assassination of Abraham Lincoln?

heather said...

sorry g, female voices just don't do it for me.

glad you two enjoy her though. :-)

Andrew said...

Yes! One for the team! Good man.