Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Tales of the Occult - My Encounter with a Wiccan

To break from the happy happy joyful funtime that is this blog, I have decided to spend a week telling stories of the deranged and disturbed. That’s right, this week is Tales of the Occult here on this blog. Each story of the occult will SHOCK and TERRORIZE if it doesn’t totally BLOW YOUR MIND!

Today’s story - encounters with a Wiccan!

One of the most important lessons I learned about managing a video store is this – No matter how brain dead you might find that person behind the counter to be, the manager turned away about fifty people who were way way worse.

I interviewed people all the time, and not very many of them had what you would call social skills. One such fellow applied for the incredibly important position of assistant manager trainee.

I began my speech, “The assistant manager trainee position is a very important position, not to be taken lightly. There is a lot of responsibility and hard work. It is an hourly wage, but can lead to a salaried position and a long-term career with our company.”

“I will need certain days off.”

“That is fine. We keep our schedules flexible. There has to be a manager on duty at all times. The store manager sets his or her hours first, then the assistant manager. The assistant manager trainee has to fill in all of the gaps, but the longer you work here the more we can accommodate your schedule.”

“It is for religious holidays.”

“That’s fine. What I usually ask when writing up the schedule is to give me at least two weeks notice and I will write your day off into the schedule. If you don’t give me two weeks notice, it will be up to you to get someone else to cover your shift. And potentially in your case, that someone should be either the manager or the assistant manager.”

“My holidays are based on cycles of the moon.”

“No problem. Just give me the two weeks notice when you need the days off. Now about the employee discount-“

“Don’t you want to know what my religion is?”

“Not really. That is your business. Now, about the employee discount-“

“I’m a Wiccan.”

“That’s nice. Now, part of the job is knowing movies so you can sell them to customers.”

“Do you know what it means to be a Wiccan?”

“No. We offer a decent benefits package with health and dental in it.”

“There are other words for what I do, but they have negative connotations.”

“Good to hear. We inventory our films by genre and then alphabetically within a specific genre.”

“I practice witchcraft.”

“Bully for you. We have the ability to special order films if they aren’t in stock.

“Doesn’t that scare you a little?”

“We get all types here. Now about our layaway program….”

Needless to say, magical WitchBoy did not get the job. Maybe he cursed me. Maybe he cursed my video store. Maybe he even CURSED THIS BLOG! I will never know because I never saw him again.


Your mind is blown. Your nerves are shocked and all of your senses are now terrorized! Join us next time for more Tales of the Occult!


I post this and then a news story hits the wires:

Wiccan Stabs Herself during Good Luck Ritual


heather said...

oh how funny! one of my favorite jobs ever was the video store i worked at when i had cheeks. free movies, free reign, free popcorn (hey, i was pregnant for 9 months of my 2 years there!) being able to bring cheeks to work with me when i worked day shifts and telling random jerks that they could no longer rent unless they paid all their late fees. oh, and easy access to nerds on a rope! yay!

Susan said...

Wow...just...wow. I don't know when I'll sleep again.

NoRegrets said...

I love the word WIccan.
You should have asked where the broomstick was. Ha. I wonder if he goes around telling that story so someone will say something that he can sue over.
Oh. yes. I. am. scared.

M. Robert Turnage said...

Heather, video stores can be great places to work, but they don't pay well.

Susan, maybe this will help you sleep - your mental image of this guy should be Dorkus Malorkus Plus Hair.

NoR, this was the pre-Harry Potter days, otherwise I would have asked him if he was a Griffindor or a Hufflepuff.

Tera said...

Damn it NoR, you beat me to it...you know I have a passion for words with double "c!!!"

MrT this is too funny...you better hope Witch Boy hasn't made a Mojo-doll and then unexpectedly and arm breaks while you're eating, or your penis falls off while your peeing, or your legs switch places while you're walking...wait, that's Voodoo...shit!

M. Robert Turnage said...

Tera, I can't wait to run into a voodoo witch doctor applying for a job as my assistant manager trainee. I am sure that will lead to a good blog entry.

Churlita said...

There are actually a lot of wiccans in my town. You can usually tell them because the guys seem to always be rockin' ponytails and they seem to like to wear capes just for walking down the street. They're easily confused with theater majors.

M. Robert Turnage said...

Churlita, I don't think it is an either/or proposition. Why can't you be BOTH a Wiccan AND a Theater Major?