Sunday, March 02, 2008

Shut Up and Eat Your Vegetables

"I'd like the bacon sausage egg casserole, please."

"You can't order that!"

"Why?"

"Because Jess is meeting us for breakfast."

"So?"

"Hello? Jess is a vegetarian."

"So? Vegetarianism not contagious or anything."

"But Jess is going to see what you're eating and tell you that 'meat is murder'."

"That's a myth."

"No. Jess is very serious about not eating meat."

"No, I mean the insanely rude vegetarian is a myth. No one with a lick of sense wants to start a conversation with an insult. A vegetarian who starts out conversations by assaulting your dietary choice is just like an Evangelical Christian starting a conversation with 'You're going to Hell.'"

"You're going to Hell."

"I'm serious here. Insanely rude Christians are a myth just like insanely rude vegetarians are a myth. People are a lot more sensible than that."

"I'm not sure if vegetarians are that sensible. Because a lot of them secretly believe meat tastes better."

"What do you mean?"

"Facon. Tofurkey. Gardenburgers. They go out of their way to make their vegetables taste like meat. By doing so, they are implying that meat tastes better."

"So keeping with a tradition of an established food type automatically makes them insane?"

"Yes. And that is why you shouldn't order meat around them."

"Look, I am going to order what I want, and Jess can order something vegetarian and the only discussion we will have is when I ask, 'How's your food?' and Jess goes, 'Good, and yours?'"

"We shall see. Oh, hey there, Jess!"

"Hey there. Sorry I'm late. Have you already ordered?"

"Yeah. I ordered the bacon sausage egg casserole."

"Meat is murder."

"Yeah, well, you're going to Hell."

7 comments:

Gyuss Baaltar said...

I can only say one thing: Genius!


I may have to quote this in many conversations for weeks to come.

Cyber D said...

My wife's sister and her husband are vegitarians... well they're a lot of crazy-ass things but being vegiterian is probably the most annoying. Since they live close we get together often over food. We pretty much drew the line in the sand saying... "look, we eat meat and that ain't gonna change. So you two need to shut it. Be glad we'll go to places that even give you a veggie option. Last weekend they came over for my son's birthday and I grilled burgers and dogs! It was great!

M. Robert Turnage said...

Your poor dogs... But I totally understand cooking them if they piddled on the carpet one more time. If you make the threat like that, you've got to be willing to back it up with action.

I actually like a lot of vegetarian food (particularly Indian food and several Middle Eastern dishes), and I am of the firm belief that "real" vegetarian dishes taste so much better better than vegetables redesigned to taste like meat. Tofurkey tastes like self-loathing.

Gyuss Baaltar said...

I'm a big fan of the Subway veggie sandwich when you make them cover it in marinara, parmesan, and then bake it.

And I like Morningstar burgers almost as better on my George Foreman grill than real burgers.

I'm anti-vegetable though. In 34 years, I still have never eaten a salad.

NoRegrets said...

You want to taste something disgusting, try Morningstar vegetarian sausage links. Oh my. I never ever throw anything away, and I finally just threw them away.

Vegetarians don't just eat salad, G.

Cyber D said...

fake meat products do taste terrible. The only exception is the morningstar "chic nuggets". they're all right. Unfortunately I can't speak highly of veggitarian food... even the stuff that isn't designed to taste like meat. Although, I do love me some Souper Salad.

M. Robert Turnage said...

Souper Salad is always the common denominator whenever I'm with a group of people with dietary restrictions.

To be honest, I have not eaten very many of the Morningstar products (like the sausage links or the chick nuggets), because vegetables made to taste like meat boggle my mind. I have had tofurkey, though.

Did not like.