Another Story from the Video Store

One of the interesting things about video stores is how people assume the people who work in the store have real connections to the entertainment industry.

And by real connections, I mean people think they can come and complain about contemporary films and somehow, the video store people will fix it.

Back when The Hunchback of Notre Dame was in theaters, one guy decided to come into the store to let us know exactly what was wrong with this film so we could magically command Disney to take it back and pretend it never happened.

"You don't understand!" he told me after 30 minutes of harassing my employees. "The Hunchback of Notre Dame is NOT a kid's story. It is a serious examination of French society and religious hypocrisy! It is SERIOUS LITERATURE! It does does not need talking gargoyles or musical numbers! It's disgusting what Disney is doing! Absolutely DISGUSTING!"

And to prove his point, he waved one of our Hunchback dolls for emphasis.

"You heard about Disney's next cartoon, haven't you?" I asked.

"What?"

"Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment. Raskolnikov is this guy who can talk to the street rats. One rat gets on each shoulder and they sing a song about the nature of good and evil with one 'evil' rat whispering in one ear and a 'good' rat whispering in another. We're selling the T-shirts in about a month. It should be really exciting to see how they pull it off."

I am sad to report that we permanently lost a customer that day.

Ain't It Cool News Style Guide

Dear Interested Writer!!!!

We are SOOOOO EXCITED!!!! about your interst in writing for the BEST!!! AND BADDEST!!! entertainment website IN ALL OF EXISTENCE!!!!! Aintitcoolnews.com

We here in the SECRET AICN LAIR(!!!) are all for INTRSTING!!!!! and PROVACA-… PROVOCO-… CONTROVERSIAL articles so we are giving you, yes YOU!!!! a copy of our OFFICIAL AICN STYLE GUIDE!!!!!

Even tho our styles are set in stone, THEY ARE NOT REALLY SET IN STONE!!! You should HAVE FUN (!!!) and above all EXPRESS YOURSELF!!!! Remember: We are not as strict about spelling and grammar as the LOLCATS sites – We believe in the CREATIVE EXPRESSION OF THE INDIVIDUAL!!!!

With that in mind – PLEASE USE THE FOLLOWING GUIDELINES WHEN WRITIN FOR OUR TOTALLY!!!! AWESOME!!!!! SITE!!!!!

1) Bold everything!!!!

There is no point – NO POINT – in writing ANYthing unless it can be BOLDED!!!! and OCCASIONALLY ITALICIZED!

2) Begin ALL!! OF!! YOUR!! ARTICLES!!! with a ramble about yourself.

We here at AICN (!) insist that our writers have a RICH FANTASY LIFE!!!! This should be AT LEAST 3,000 words!! and should include INCREDIBLE DESCRIPTIONS OF YOUR SECRET LAB, YOUR LAIR (!!!) or YOUR ELEET NETWORK OF SPIES!!!!! Describe youself as DASHING!! and HANDSOME!!! Do not be afraid to use the occasional line similar to, “Fat lovin is good lovin!!” Because that will make you seem MORE LIKE A REAL PERSON.

3) AVOID!!! UNNECESSARY!!! PUNCTUATION!!!!

Believe me, I know the temptation to add three!!! exclaimation!!! points!!! but you should just stick to TWO!! unless the sentence is REALLY!!! IMPORTANT!!! A THREE!!! EXCLAIMATION!!! SENTENCE!!! IS!!! A!!! SPECIAL!!! SENTENCE!!!

Remember, we strive for subtlety and restraint in all we do.

I can't help but be a nice guy....

Thanks, Gyuss for pointing me to this site.

Guest Blogger - The Mrs.

This is a busy week for me, so there won't be much in terms of casual writing.

HOWEVER, the Mrs. has kindly offered a story I alluded to earlier in the comments. For those of you unwilling or unable to click the link, the story is about the early days of our courtship and how I came to be known for a brief time as "Chocolate Boy."

***

Since these events actually unfolded at my office, here is my version of the story for RT to embellish. [RT Note: I won't embellish.]

I had just started working at an African-American owned technology startup. It was a pretty big change for me, a new refugee from Fortune 50 telecom company I’ll call FacelessGigantiCorp.

To express whatever one expresses through chocolate (sweetness, love, lack of concern over weight gain in one’s beloved), then-boyfriend RT had developed a rather nice habit of sending me Godiva. He stepped it up during the first weeks of my time there, and little gold boxes were stacking up at my desk. This did not escape the notice of my new colleagues in the way that it might have at Faceless GigantiCorp. They were pretty happy to share in my good fortune, which they freely did. [RT note: She was project managing a tech group. I do not know how this can be done, or even if it CAN BE DONE, without food.]

To express their gratitude, or whatever one expresses through such a thing, they dubbed the unseen benefactor “Chocolate Boy.” [RT note: Legends grew in that office about the mysterious Chocolate Boy who would swoop in and give the Project Manager an unending supply of sweets and goodies. Everyone would go to my pre-Mrs.'s desk and ask about the latest adventures of Chocolate Boy. Then they would eat some chocolate as a way to pay homage. Then they would leave her desk and promptly miss all their deadlines. Ok, so maybe I embellished a little. But not much!]

These tales and stories did not come to the attention of the African-American CEO/founder until after he had actually met RT at a bring-your-S.O.’s function.

The exchange went something like this:

"Hello, Mr. CEO Bossman. This is my boyfriend/S.O., Chocolate Boy."

“Chocolate?!? Chocolate!??! That boy ain’t chocolate. White chocolate, maybe.”

Drunken Movie Night

Back in the days of my misspent youth, I was a video store manager. One of the benefits of being a video store manager is that you get to hang out with video store employees ALL THE TIME.

One of the many things we did to entertain ourselves was to have a little event we would call Drunken Movie Night. The rules were simple: 1) We would drink, and 2) We would watch movies.

Video store employees are competitive consumers, and Drunken Movie Night gave us the opportunity to show off our unique and specialized tastes (or general lack of taste, after a few sips of Jack Daniels, one isn't quite as picky).

When Scott Kurtz posted his Candyman story yesterday on PVP, it reminded me of a very special episode of Drunk Movie Night. It was about 2 or 3am, and we were starting our third movie of the evening, Candyman.

For those of you who are uninitiated, the premise of the movie is this - if you look in the mirror and say "Candyman" five times, the Candyman appears and kills you. Sometime during the movie, one of the guys decides to test this out. He goes to the mirror at the end of the hall and starts talking loud enough for everyone to hear.

"Candyman! Candyman! Candyman! Candyman! Candyman! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" And then we hear a string of obscenities.

And we all laugh because 1) It is funny, and 2) His lame attempt to scare us didn't work.

And then he comes out of the hallway, white as a sheet and shivering. He was really scared.

"Something grabbed me."

Now my buddy is a pretty good actor, but he isn't that good. And now the whole group of boozed-up video store employees is a little freaked out. So we decide to go into the hall to find out what the heck really happened. And, because we are still in a state where reality is a bit of a challenge, we decide to flick on hallway the lights first.

And there...

Beneath the mirror...

Licking its teeth...

Looking straight at all of us...

... was his pet cat.

So I've Been Sick the Past Couple of Days

The great state of Texas had this great idea this year to give everyone flu shots for a the wrong flu strain. As a result, everyone in my office, my wife's office, and the greater North Texas area has this really nasty sickness thing that causes you to cough up green goo.

This, of course, reminds me of my Mother's high school.

The wild, in-jokey madness that is my family cannot really be explained, but I am going to try to do so at least once. Here's how it works - a person tries tells a story, another person makes a joke, and then the first continues to tell the original story with the other person (or people) expanding, embellishing the joke into something new strange and wonderful.

So here is a conversation that happened one time long ago between my mother, my brother, and myself.

"Mom, what was your high school mascot?"

"The crane."

"Your mascot was construction equipment?"

"No, the town is named 'Crane' so our mascot was a Golden Crane."

"Why not a Whooping Crane?"

"Yeah, that way when you had football games you could go, 'Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!"

"No, it was the Golden Crane."

"What about the Whoopin' Cough?"

"YEAH! Your mascot was the Whoopin' Cough! And your team cheer was *hurrck hurrk huurk*"

"No, our mascot was the Golden Crane!"

"Yeah, and there was this big bucket and at halftime, all the people in the stands hocked into it!"

"And they would go *hurrck hurrck hurrck* Go whoopin' cough! *hurrck hurrck hurrck*"

"IT WAS NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL!"

"And at the end of the game, they dumped the bucket on the other team."

"Yeah! So even if the other team won, the they still got the whoopin' cough and died."

"Your high school was so awesome, Mom."

So now that I am coughing up stuff, I like to think I'm rooting for my Mom's home team.

Go Crane Whoopin' Coughs! *hurrck hurrck hurrck*

Mysterious Face Manifests Itself in Chip!

Audio Visual Mish Mash

This image comes from the song chart photo pool on Flickr.

It reminds me of an old PowerPoint I started as a gift for my wife and never finished until now.

Here is the PowerPoint. (You will have to double-click it to start it, and then click through the screens to get it to work.)

Here is the song that goes with it. Play the song, start the PowerPoint, and feel the love.

When Conservatives Pitch Television Series....

"It is a cross between a make-over show and one of those shows where someone gets dared to do more and more outrageous things."

"What's it called?"

"Right now, I'm calling it, 'Get a Job!' But I'm not married to the title. We can come up with something better. What we do is this - we get people in their late teens or early twenties. The ones with lots of piercings or pink hair or something like that. Pretty much anyone who works at a Starbucks or Whole Foods."

"I love shopping there."

"Oh, I do, too. But it is like they have a dreadlock dress code or something like that. Anyway, we get them on the show and then we dare them to take out their piercings or cut their hair or get their tattoos surgically removed. Each time they modify their appearance, they move up a level."

"So, what's the endgame?"

"In the final round, they are offered a choice, a business suit or jeans and a T-shirt. If they pick the jeans and a T-shirt, they are politely sent on their way with a case of Turtle Wax. But if they pick the suit, they will win one million dollars."

"How will we be able to pay out one million dollars a show?"

"That's the beauty of it. The one million dollars will be paid out over the course of twenty years."

"So, what does that work out to? $50,000 a year?"

"Yes. and in exchange, they will get the pleasure of being in an office from 9 to 5, Monday through Friday, a nice benefits package, and two weeks vacation per year."

"I don't know if that seems fair."

"That's more than fair. After all, they will have won this. This will be their prize."

"Couldn't you just give them a car or something?"

"They can use their one million dollars to buy themselves a car in easy monthly payments."

"I don't know if I'm feeling this show or not."

"Ok, how about this one? I call it 'Mark of the Beast' and it involves turning members of heavy metal bands into corporate lawyers. At the end, they get to tell us which lifestyle is more evil."

"If we can get Rob Zombie to host it, you've got yourself a deal."

Another Conversation I Didn't Enjoy Having

"Yeah. She's all right."

"What do you mean, 'She's all right'. Dude, she is totally hot!"

"She's ok. I'll give her cute, but I have to disqualify her because she looks too much like her dad."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Whenever I see a woman who looks like her father, I do not find her attractive. It is this thing with me."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. And I don't like talking about because I usually get into pointless arguments about allegedly hot women."

"Like who?"

"Angelina Jolie."

"No way! Get out of here!"

"I'm serious. That is Jon Voight with breasts. I do not find her attractive in the slightest. Same goes for Liv Tyler."

"You're killing me, man. She was in Lord of the Frikkin' Rings."

"And the whole time, I was going, 'Oh, good Lord they cast Stephen Tyler playing that woman's role? Why would Viggo want to kiss that dude looks like a lady guy?'"

"What about my daughter? She looks just like me, and she is the most beautiful woman in the world."

"Your kid is cute, but I do not find her attractive for two reasons. One, she looks just like you and, two, she is only three."

"If we continue this conversation, you're going to get seriously hurt."

Shut Up and Eat Your Vegetables

"I'd like the bacon sausage egg casserole, please."

"You can't order that!"

"Why?"

"Because Jess is meeting us for breakfast."

"So?"

"Hello? Jess is a vegetarian."

"So? Vegetarianism not contagious or anything."

"But Jess is going to see what you're eating and tell you that 'meat is murder'."

"That's a myth."

"No. Jess is very serious about not eating meat."

"No, I mean the insanely rude vegetarian is a myth. No one with a lick of sense wants to start a conversation with an insult. A vegetarian who starts out conversations by assaulting your dietary choice is just like an Evangelical Christian starting a conversation with 'You're going to Hell.'"

"You're going to Hell."

"I'm serious here. Insanely rude Christians are a myth just like insanely rude vegetarians are a myth. People are a lot more sensible than that."

"I'm not sure if vegetarians are that sensible. Because a lot of them secretly believe meat tastes better."

"What do you mean?"

"Facon. Tofurkey. Gardenburgers. They go out of their way to make their vegetables taste like meat. By doing so, they are implying that meat tastes better."

"So keeping with a tradition of an established food type automatically makes them insane?"

"Yes. And that is why you shouldn't order meat around them."

"Look, I am going to order what I want, and Jess can order something vegetarian and the only discussion we will have is when I ask, 'How's your food?' and Jess goes, 'Good, and yours?'"

"We shall see. Oh, hey there, Jess!"

"Hey there. Sorry I'm late. Have you already ordered?"

"Yeah. I ordered the bacon sausage egg casserole."

"Meat is murder."

"Yeah, well, you're going to Hell."

Notebooks are a Constant

I am one of those people who watches and likes Lost.

And last week's episode made me like it even more. Do you know why? Because Faraday uses a notebook.

I have been using notebooks for years now. They are often employed by the really brilliant (see Faraday on Lost) or the really not-so-brilliant (see that guy in that movie The Lookout).

The first two pages of my notebook consist of Current Creative Projects. Basically, this is just a list of random ideas. When I fill up the notebook, I copy the best parts of first two pages over to the first two pages of the next notebook.

The previous blog entry chronicled some of my past writing "accomplishments." This one lists out some of the creative projects I am currently in the midst of or will be doing in the near future. Because this blog is kind of the dumping ground for creative shenanigans, consider this a preview of things that may or may not appear in the upcoming months.

Personal Myths - Last year, I wrote a novel for National Novel Writing Month. It didn't turn out as good as I wanted it to be, but there is enough in there for me to attempt to rewrite it.

The premise of the novel is this - a reality television show called "America's Next Hot Young Playwright!" comes to a college and basically wreaks havoc on the academic population. The main two characters are an English Professor trying to teach his students about great literature and a television producer giving them stunts that involve writing dramatic scenes for Scott Baio.

Plus, Scott Baio only agrees to do the show if he can go during Spring Break when all the allegedly wild co-eds go on an alleged rampage. Mr. Baio gets disappointed to find out that college isn't populated with lots of naked women and instead is filled with students who want to study.

Hodge - This one is already in progress in the hopes that I can submit it to the AAA Screenwriting contest in June (or in April for the early submission discount rate). This is my attempt at writing a super hero movie. The main character is a super hero dude named Hodge because Hodge is such an awesome super hero name. Can you hear a villain going, "Foiled again by Hodge! Hooooodge!" I have come thiiis close to insisting my coworkers start calling me Hodge, I like the name so much.

Age of Magic - I do not understand why there are not hundreds of books, comics, television shows, and movies trying to fill the void of Harry Potter now that it has ended. Anyway, this is a comic book about magic coming back to the world.

Imagine one day everyone in the world can do magic, but no one really knows how to wield magic. It would be the mystical equivalent of everyone on the planet suddenly getting handed a gun with unlimited bullets. Anyway, after some adventures the main characters decide to establish a school of magic. To be honest, this project is more in the spirit and tone of Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell than the Potter books. Except it is in an contemporary setting, and it features the Bat Boy (Found in Cave!) from the Weekly World News. I'm not joking.

Brownsville - Historical fiction about the Brownsville Raid in Brownsville, TX. Basically it follows the lives of some dishonorably discharged soldiers from the Theodore Roosevelt administration to the Nixon administration when they were retroactively found innocent. Oops. Gave away the ending.

Redux - A short film about a guy who dies and gets reincarnated as himself. He gets to live his entire life all over again with full knowledge of how his old life was. He befriends Dionne Warwick and founds the psychic network.

***

And because I started out talking about Lost, please allow me to use this space to ask a couple of questions.

1) Why is Faraday using the same notebook from ten years ago? I go through about four notebooks a year. He must not write very much.

2) If Faraday is looking for a constant from multiple time periods in his life, and he's carrying around the same journal for ten years, wouldn't that mean the journal is his constant? It would certainly save him from the awkwardness of tracking down Desmond and telling him how much he loves him and how he's always loved him. I'm just sayin'.

The Road to Divorce

Haitian Divorce is the fifth feature-length screenplay I have written and the first one that I consider close-to-good.

I listen to the Creative Screenwriting podcast and in almost all of them, the screenwriters say, "This was my fifteenth screenplay. None of them were produced until now."

"Will you ever make your old scripts available online?"

"No. They're all crap."

"Aw, come on. I'm sure they aren't all that bad."

"Yes. Yes, they are."

Before I actually wrote a screenplay, I was all on the side of the journalist. If there isn't a chance of the screenplay getting produced, then what is the harm in posting it online? People (like me) love downloading and reading screenplays. Adding more to the stack wouldn't really hurt.

Then I wrote a bad screenplay. And another. And another.

I like the concept of white out. I like totally obliterating what has gone before when I don't like it. But if you've ever actually used white out, you know that it doesn't really hide your mistakes, but instead makes them all the more obvious thanks to the huge chunks of white goo surrounding them.

So, instead of pretending the Haitian Divorce is my first screenplay and it magically turned out to be sort of good (or, at least, not-all-that-bad), I will devote the rest of this blog entry to the big pile o' crap that has gone on before.

The four previous feature-length screenplays penned by myself are as follows:

Comicon Pimps - This was my first screenplay. I tried to be both funny and geeky and it didn't come out all that right. Basically, it was about a pimp contest at a comic book convention. Pimpin' ain't easy, especially when the potential clients would rather have a Star Trek Collector's plate instead of the company of a good woman dressed up as Catwoman.

It was pretty much a one-joke premise. I cut out all the filler and rewrote this feature-length monster (about 100 pages) as a four-page short film script. It is much better that way, and, in a way, oddly similar to the movie Gyuss Baaltar posted on his blog the other day, although (in my opinion) my script is a little bit funnier. It is filled with all sorts of pottymouth language, so I don't recommend it for anyone too young to be impressionable and too old to disapprove of my childish actions.

Zombie Prom Queen - I have new respect for the Troma Film guys. I tried to write a Troma-esque film and failed. Miserably. And, to add insult to injury, after I finished it, I found out that there was a short film named Zombie Prom already out there.

Hell Breaks Loose - Demons terrorize a small West Texas town. But they're in the fight for their lives, because everyone in West Texas is armed. Yeah. You heard me.

Scablickers - I wrote this one for the Slamdance Horror Screenplay Contest. This one is another horror film that involves a lot of people licking each other's scabs. And, no, it is not very good, unless, of course, you are into that sort of thing. I thought maybe David Cronenberg would like it.

So now you know why I don't share all of them. The next batch is going to be better, I promise. For one thing, I think I have the whole "cheap horror film" thing out of my system. I'll talk a little about the current batch of creative projects tomorrow.

Happy Episode #200 Filmspotting

Filmspotting is one of the best film criticism podcasts around. It is one of the three film review podcasts I listen to and the only one I consider actually having some worthwhile film analysis and criticism in it rather than just summarizing/reviewing the film and then giving an arbitrary star rating at the end of an uninsightful ramble.

I really dislike the current state of film criticism. I wish there was some sort of film critic's exam that people had to take and pass to become film critics. And believe me, if I wrote it, people like Rex Reed, Gene Shalit, and half the people on Amazon would not pass.

When I first started listening to Filmspotting with the launch of iTunes 4.9. I want to say the first episode I heard was Cinecast #18. The one where they reviewed Batman Begins. My first impression was that I liked what I heard. The guys on the show seemed like nice enough, intelligent enough people. I wanted to nitpick (they had really similar tastes so there wasn't much discussion, there was a profound lack of female perspective, etc.), but really it was a solid show.

But THEN the guys kept talking more about movies they had NOT seen as opposed to films they actually watched. And some of those films they proudly and stubbornly refused to watch were on my list of minimum requirements for knowing a blessed thing about discussing movies. (Seriously, Gone with the Wind? That's like saying you've never seen The Wizard of Oz.)

So I sent them cantankerous emails, ridiculing them for their profound lack of knowledge. And, to show that I wasn't totally evil, I also sent them donations and gift certificates with little notes like, "Please use this to watch 'Once Upon a Time in the West'." or "How can you pretend to understand the work of Brian de Palma without first learning a thing or two about Hitchcock. Here is some money, please buy yourself an education."

They responded by calling me their Nemesis (or, as Sam liked to call me "Elegant Nemesis") and making fun of me on their show whenever we disagreed on something. Once, Adam even sent me a private email wherein he called me a bastard.

I believe it read as follows:

RT -

You bastard!

Adam

But like with any good back-and-forth, the guys on the show did nice things for me, too. They let me announce on the show my favorite movie of 2006 (Children of Men) and when Adrienne Shelley died, they let me pick my favorite scene of hers to run on the show (it was from Trust and it was the speech about... well, about trust).

Anyway, the culmination of my relationship with the Filmspotting guys happened around episode #166 when Sam pitched a movie about a Steely Dan cover band called Haitian Divorce. I thought it was a smart enough premise and decided to make a screenplay out of it as a Christmas gift to the Filmspotting community. (You can read about it here.)

I didn't really finish the screenplay by Christmas. I got a solid 60-page draft out there and posted it just in time for the holidays. The plan was to flesh it out, get it to the 90 to 100 page range, and repost it by episode #200.



And I sort of made that goal. Episode #200 posted last Friday morning, and here it is Sunday night when I have my draft posted. (It is called Haitian Divorce. Click here to download it.)

Part of me really wishes I was one of the Filmspotting guys. They are living a dream of mine. On some days when I am stuck in meetings I don't want to attend, I daydream about being a globe-trotting film critic, interviewing the likes of Ellen Page and trading witty barbs with that guy who directed Brick. But I can't be one of the guys. The closest I can get is to be their Nemesis.

But, you know what?

It is good to be their Nemesis.

Here's to 200 more shows.

How to Draw Me When I was in College

To show the world what great guys Cyber D and Guyuss Baaltar were back in 1992, I have decided to give the world instructions on how draw a picture of myself when I was in college. This way, everyone will know what type of person they were befriending when they opened their muscled arms for a warm manly-but-not-too-manly embrace.

You have to remember, the largest aspiration of my life up to and including my college years, was to become a Wookie.

How to Draw Me When I was in College

1. Draw a circle.



2. Draw lines coming every which way out from the circle.



3. Add glasses, facial hair, and a smile.



4. Flourish with color.



Now, say, "You look like an interesting guy. I will now be your friend."

A Website So Funny That It Hurts

Here is a confession - despite my best efforts, I am the whitest white guy in the whitey history of white sales. Honestly, I can walk into any room and make everyone crack up by trying to be cool in a non-pasty-man way. In fact, the last time I tried to be cool in a non-pasty-man way, I did my best pimp slide into a room and addressed the assembled populous with a jaunty little, "Whad up, Home Slice? I be chillin' wid the ladies TONIGHT!" and the result was NOT an evening spent chillin' wid the ladies, unless "chillin wid the ladies" can be defined as, "having everyone laugh at you until one of them accidentally released two drops of pee."

So imagine my surprise when I found out about this blog called Stuff That White People Like while listening to NPR.

And, wouldn't you know it, NPR is the Number 44 item on the blog.

The website is supposed to act as a primer when interacting and/or gaining the trust of white people. And we all know the best way to get close to white people is to show an interest in Stuff That White People Like.

I read entire site in a single evening, the entries were that compelling. And, for the most part, I didn't feel like arguing. The site is a great piece of satire, and like all great satire, some parts hurt a little.

I have included excerpts from some of my favorite entries below. Click the links to read the entries, or, better yet, just go to the site and read through it.

#18 Awareness - This one is BY FAR my favorite of the bunch. At one time, I was going to write a similar blog entry but now I don't have to.

An interesting fact about white people is that they firmly believe that all of the world’s problems can be solved through “awareness.” Meaning the process of making other people aware of problems, and then magically someone else like the government will fix it.

#75 Threatening to Move to Canada

Though they will never actually move to Canada, the act of declaring that they are willing to undertake the journey is very symbolic in white culture. It shows that their dedication to their lifestyle and beliefs are so strong, that they would consider packing up their entire lives and moving to a country that is only slightly similar to the one they live in now.

#12 Non-Profit Organizations - Oh, almost all my friends an a lot of my relatives work for non-profits. So, yeah, this one stung.

They like working there for a number of reasons, the most important of which is that it gives them a sense of self importance. This is important so that they can tell their friends and parents that they are “helping” society, and not just working to make money.

#16 “Gifted” Children - Oh, this stings.

I’m pretty sure the last non-gifted white child was born in 1962 in Reseda, CA. Since then, it’s been a pretty sweet run.

#17 Hating their parents - It was a phase! I promise! Just a phase!

White people love to talk about how much they hate their parents, so if you are in a situation where you need to gain a white person’s trust, ask them about their parents. But under no circumstances should you try to one up them, regardless of whether or not you were an orphan, abused, or watched your parents get shot. If you bring this up, the white person will never talk to you about their problems again, and you will be unable to gain their trust.

#32 Vegan/Vegetarianism

As with many white people activities, being vegan/vegetarian enables them to feel as though they are helping the environment AND it gives them a sweet way to feel superior to others.

#21 Writer’s Workshops - Ouch. I really felt the hurt from this one.

It’s no secret. White people want to be writers. Why wouldn’t they? Work 10 hours a week from a country house in Maine or England. Get called a genius by other white people, and maybe get your book made into a film.

#62 Knowing what’s best for poor people

They feel guilty and sad that poor people shop at Wal*Mart instead of Whole Foods, that they vote Republican instead of Democratic, that they go to Community College/get a job instead of studying art at a University.

#38 Arrested Development - Another big ouch.

They also love it because there are a few references to white popular culture, and if there is one thing that white people love, it’s cultural references that they understand (see Garden State, The Onion, and Juno for examples).

Old Friends Made New

One of my many creative side projects is a short film screenplay called "Redux." The film is about a guy who dies and gets reincarnated as himself. And by "reincarnated as himself" I mean he wakes up as a baby in 1930s and gets to live his entire life all over again with full knowledge of how it is going to end up.

Of course, what he sets out to do with his new lease on life is to correct all of his mistakes. So instead of being the eight-year-old lunkhead who jumps off the roof with a cape made out of towel and subsequently breaking his leg, the guy instead convinces his younger brother to jump off the roof, because, dude, that cape made out of towel is really magic.

The idea is similar to the one behind Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - the way to deal with your mistakes is to erase them. Or, in this case, to do them over. (This is also the secret philosophy behind Super Mario Bros.)

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and many of them involve losing contact with perfectly decent people.

Perfectly decent? I'm being too polite.

Totally awesome, kick-ass people who totally rock everything and who were once in my life but are no longer there.

Correction. WERE no longer there.

Thanks to the power of Facebook, I have reacquainted myself with Cyber D and Gyuss Baaltar, two great friends I fondly remember from my good ol' college days.

Here's how it happened:

I got this little note on Facebook that went something like, "Hey! It is Cyber D. Remember me? I was that devastatingly handsome guy in your dorm. I was the guy who the women all loved and the men all envied. But those the men couldn't envy me enough to hate me because I was so darn likable, and, to top it off, I loved Dr. Who." (And we all know that Dr. Who fans cannot truly be hated. It is one of the cornerstones of Newtonian Physics right up there with "Polkas are an acquired taste.")

And I responded with a polite little, "Of course I remember you! You drew that awesome picture of Gyuss Baaltar with his head stuck up his own butt." And then I clicked Send.

And then I had a little panic attack.

When we were young, we had to behave like juveniles thanks to Federal Mandate E.B.0/1144-07c, or, as we like to call it, the "Kids These Days" Act of 1954. But that doesn't mean I should treat this one juvenile act like it some sort of defining characteristic. It would be too much like a mean ol' high school bully going, "Dude, remember that time in second grade when you accidentally farted in the reading circle? And then we called you Farty Fart Farts until you graduated? Well the taunting won't stop now that you're a grown up! FARTY FART FARTS! FARTY FART FARTS! AH-HAAAAAAAA!!!"

So I sat in a big pile of fear, waiting in front of my computer for the response, fully expecting a cutting retort along the lines of, "Geez! Immature much? That was, like, over ten years ago! I'm a respectable member of society now."

Instead, the response went something like, "Yes! That was the best thing I ever drew."

And then I remembered not only why I liked Cyber D, but exactly how much I liked Cyber D.

And THEN, just to prove what an awesome, kick-ass guy he is, Cyber D wrote a totally awesome, kick-ass blog entry about me where he compared me to a girl next door who grew up to be an exotic dancer. (Which is an ironic choice of words, because in high school I was voted "Most Likely to Get Beaten Up by an Exotic Dancer's Thug Boyfriend.")

Anyway, the past few days have been a whirlwind of fond memories and wild blog entries. Because when Cyber D writes a blog entry about you, thousands of people from his blog comment on your blog. And you comment on the comments. And the comments get commented on. And that gives you an idea for a new blog entry.

It is good to reconnect. It is good to find old friends and let them know that I am ok and to see that they are ok, too.

The only drawback is that I wish Guyuss Baltaar included a recent photo so I could see if he still spends 45 minutes each morning perfecting his sleek pompadour and two-pronged goatee before throwing a feather boa around his neck and heading for class.

After all, we went to a Liberal Arts College. Such attire was encouraged.

The Last Wife Corollary

I wrote about my Theory of Ex-Girlfriends, so it is only fitting that I also write about the Last Wife Corollary.

The name of this corollary comes from a friend of mine who was getting married to this lunkhead of a guy - her first, his second. Whenever someone pointed out that she was headed for a rocky romance, being his second wife and all, she would respond with a, "Honey, I am his last wife. Ain't no one gettin' outta this marriage alive."

I live by the Last Wife Corollary - it took me long enough to get married, and now there is nothing I want to do to screw it up. I am with my Last Wife because ain't no one gonna get outta this marriage alive.

In fact, during our wedding, right after the groom (me) made his vows and the bride (my wife) made her vows, EVERYONE IN ATTENDANCE was asked to stand and make a vow to do everything within their power to keep our marriage together forever. People who just came for the free cake and punch were a little taken aback when they were asked to make a solemn vow before the entire community and a couple of preachers and God. And this put us in a position where, if we ever had to split up, our plan would involve moving far away and wearing Groucho Marx glasses for the rest of our natural days.

So how does the Last Wife Corollary apply to the real world? It means that my wife becomes the golden standard of all things woman.

I no longer say things like, "I like redheads." Instead I say things like, "I like women whose hair reminds me of my wife's." If my wife changes her hair color, I suddenly develop a fondness for that shade. If she puts on a few pounds, I gain a fondness for women with a little meat on her bones. If she loses weight, I like 'em bony. If I decide to crush on Katherine Heigel it is because she says or does something that reminds me of my wife. If I think Diablo Cody has a wicked sense of humor, it is because Diablo Cody has a bit of the wit and insight I normally only find in my wife. Because she is the last wife I will ever have.

The point of this entry is this....

Today happens to be her birthday. Happy Birthday, Christie! Marrying you was the best thing I've ever done.

Quick Impressions of things I've Experienced Recently

Partly because I don't want the most recent blog entry to be political jibber jabber, and partly because I have a real backlog of halfway finished entries on my movie blog, I have decided to put some quick little reviews of things I have watched or read recently right here in this space. There is a nice mix of comics, movies, a CD and a novel in here.

Annihilation and Annihilation : Conquest - I read these comics thanks to the strong and consistently positive word of mouth. Well, the word of mouth is only partly right. The Annihilation story is divided into three separate books, only the last of which is interesting. Right now, I believe the Annihilation : Conquest story will be divided into two books, and, so far, the Annihilation : Conquest series is better than the first Annihilation series. The first part of Annihilation reads like bad DC books - basically the comic a big inside joke because there is zero characterization coupled with an expectation that you will study all of the attached encyclopedia entries simply to understand the comic you just finished reading. The comics get better as the story goes along with good characterization and a decent plot combined, but the first two books of Annihilation are practically unreadable. Unless, of course, you find encyclopedia entries a good substitute for storytelling. In that case, have at it.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Dorian Wright said out of the twelve combined seasons of Buffy and Angel, only about four were good. I'm halfway through Season 5 of Buffy and Season 2 of Angel, and I'm tending to agree with him.

Doom Patrol - Never read this until now. Been told I just had had had to read this for years, but I am very hit-or-miss with Grant Morrison. However, this comic series has totally knocked my socks off. Just finished Book 3 of his run and am halfway through Book 4. This is some really amazing stuff in here, on a conceptual level, a design level, and a storytelling level. I would love to read the scripts of these books because some of the drawings are so insane, you have to wonder how they were described.

The Descent - Would I watch it again? Probably not. Would I own it? Not really. But I thought it was a decent enough movie with a good story and good acting (as much as screaming and being eaten by cave monsters counts as acting). Just perfect for a lazy Saturday afternoon in front of the television.

The Host - This one suffered from over-hype for me. It is a lazy Saturday afternoon film about a giant gila monster that eats people, not an art film or a political film or a dysfunctional family dramedy or any of those other things it was pitched to me as. When the most compelling scenes in the film involve a giant lizard thing swinging through the air by its tail, it is not an art film. In this sense, The Descent is much better because it doesn't think of itself as a grand statement of anything - it is about underground cave creatures eating people.

Heima - Maybe this was a little over-hyped by me. Basically, it is a concert film of Sigur Ros doing Takk in Iceland. Some pretty Icelandic countryside and, of course, the music. But the band interviews don't knock me out as much as I thought they would. It is very pretty to watch, though.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - This definitely had the potential to suffer from over-hype, but it turned out to be a very real pleasant surprise. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I like it. I like films that win me over when I come to them with my crabby barrel of prejudices. For example, I don't like crime films. Or meta films. Or Val Kilmer. And, despite being confronted with a meta-crime film, starring Val Kilmer, I had a genuinely great time. Translated, this means means that I loved the movie. Even when Robert Downey Jr loses a finger, gets it reattached, and loses it again. If the tone is off just the tiniest bit, the moment would be absolutely ruined. But it works out beautifully.

100 Days, 100 Nights - I did not know that this was a two-disc album. The second disc is a live(?) recording of "The Ghetto Funk Power Hour." This is a really fun album and I just about love Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings.

Porgy and Bess - I was surprised I knew more about this story than my opera-loving wife, but the Dallas Opera production is really worth the ticket price. Very pleased with it overall, even though after three-and-a-half hours in those uncomfortable Fair Park Music Hall seats made my butt feel nine kinds of numb.

Soon I Will Be Invincible - Technically, I'm only halfway through this book, so it might get better. But my issue with it so far is that if you are writing a super hero story as a novel, you need to make it something special. I understand paying tribute to the genre, but if all you do is a paint-by-numbers genre piece, your story isn't special anymore. As it reads now, comic books like Astro City blow it out of the water.

The Theory of Ex-Girlfriends and My Dumb Political Views

I don’t like writing about politics, because – quite honestly – I don’t want to be one of those people who write about politics. I don’t have great insight or knowledge, and my political ideas are a little wonky. (Case in point, my take on the whole gay marriage issue is to proclaim that government should not have any say on the subject marriage whatsoever – if it is a government-recognized common-property partnership used to determine taxable income rates, it should be called a civil union instead of marriage. Ta daa! Problem solved.)

But I have this great theory about how presidents are determined that I call The Theory of Ex-Girlfriends, and I want to write about it. So if that means writing about politics, I will have to write about politics. Do not worry, this will not become a habit.

The Theory of Ex-Girlfriends is this – your next relationship is determined by the most annoying thing about your most previous relationship. If you were in a relationship with someone who had fidelity issues, suddenly faithfulness will be the number one thing you look for in a next relationship. Who cares if she is crazy and bipolar, if she will stick with you no matter what, you are in love. Of course, if you break up with the crazy person, suddenly mental stability is the most important thing ever. Who cares if the new significant other is about as exciting as a patch of moss, that person is mentally stable and you are in love with that stability.

I love this theory and I use it for all sorts of things from restaurants I don’t like to employer evaluations. For example, during job interviews that begin with the questions like, “Why are you looking for a job?” you can respond with a blues song that begins, “That no good HR rep done me wrong (duh duh dah daaaaah duh). That benefits package was at sub-market levels (duh duh dah daaaaah duh). And I just wanna company that shoots straight with me on their dental plan! (crazy explosion of music) I need a new job, baby. I need a new job. I need a new job... right now.”

Anyway, I think Presidents are determined by the Theory of Ex-Girlfriends. In 2000, Bush’s basic campaign was, “Hey! I’m not Clinton. I may be a lot of things, but I won’t cheat on my wife with an intern and then try to weasel my way out of it by saying oral sex isn’t real sex.”

And, to that extent, he was exactly right. Throughout the entire Bush presidency, he has not cheated on his wife and subsequently landed himself in a sex scandal. Hooray for Bush on that single count! But that isn't enough for me to rewrite the constitution and stick with him one more term. We are breaking up and Bush is now the Ex.

Now that we are breaking up as president and constituent, I am using all of the bad things I don’t like about Bush to determine who I am going to vote for in the next election. So… what has been the most annoying thing about the Bush Presidency?

I have a co-worker who often points out that the Bush Presidency is not the Reagan II Presidency as much as it is Nixon II Presidency. Both Cheney and Rumsfield were old Nixon staffers and run the office like they're about to break into the Watergate hotel just for old time's sake, and the entire idea of “executive privilege” is much more in line with Nixon’s handling of the office than Reagan’s. Heck, even the wiretapping law in the news now is a holdover from the Nixon presidency.

A lot more parallels can be made between the two presidencies (for example, look at the way independent investigatory committees are treated by the two administrations), but what interests me more is how the nation reacted to Nixon when he became their ex-girlfriend. (And, for the sake of good metaphor, I pretending Ford is that one-off fling that never really happened. Ah, denial.)

How did the nation react to Nixon as an Ex?

They elected Jimmy Carter.

After feeling lied to and fleeced by the Commander in Chief, the American people turned to someone who was charismatic, decent, and above all, honest. He didn’t have all that much inside-the-beltway experience, but who cared. He wasn’t shifty. He was open and good. He inspired hope.

And the office of the presidency chewed up and spit him out.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

As much as I think Obama is a wonderful, charismatic speaker, as much as he makes me feel hope and makes me realize America could be a great place again, he could very well be the next Jimmy Carter. I like Carter and I think he is a great person who has succeeded at pretty much everything he has done, except, of course, being President.

I freely admit that this is a terrible attitude – essentially I am going into a new relationship thinking about what the break up will be like. But I am talking about politicians here. They have term limits, which means that we are going to break up eventually. Which is one of the reasons some people get upset when Bill Clinton shows up, because, didn't we already break up with you? Aren't you over us yet? Why are you stalking us like this?

Anyway, I guess what I'm getting to this this - one of those Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is "Begin with the end in mind." Becoming President in 2008 is not the end. It is just the beginning. So let's start thinking of it as the beginning of another presidency, not the end of the old one.