Another Conversation I Didn't Enjoy Having

"Yeah. She's all right."

"What do you mean, 'She's all right'. Dude, she is totally hot!"

"She's ok. I'll give her cute, but I have to disqualify her because she looks too much like her dad."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Whenever I see a woman who looks like her father, I do not find her attractive. It is this thing with me."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. And I don't like talking about because I usually get into pointless arguments about allegedly hot women."

"Like who?"

"Angelina Jolie."

"No way! Get out of here!"

"I'm serious. That is Jon Voight with breasts. I do not find her attractive in the slightest. Same goes for Liv Tyler."

"You're killing me, man. She was in Lord of the Frikkin' Rings."

"And the whole time, I was going, 'Oh, good Lord they cast Stephen Tyler playing that woman's role? Why would Viggo want to kiss that dude looks like a lady guy?'"

"What about my daughter? She looks just like me, and she is the most beautiful woman in the world."

"Your kid is cute, but I do not find her attractive for two reasons. One, she looks just like you and, two, she is only three."

"If we continue this conversation, you're going to get seriously hurt."

Shut Up and Eat Your Vegetables

"I'd like the bacon sausage egg casserole, please."

"You can't order that!"

"Why?"

"Because Jess is meeting us for breakfast."

"So?"

"Hello? Jess is a vegetarian."

"So? Vegetarianism not contagious or anything."

"But Jess is going to see what you're eating and tell you that 'meat is murder'."

"That's a myth."

"No. Jess is very serious about not eating meat."

"No, I mean the insanely rude vegetarian is a myth. No one with a lick of sense wants to start a conversation with an insult. A vegetarian who starts out conversations by assaulting your dietary choice is just like an Evangelical Christian starting a conversation with 'You're going to Hell.'"

"You're going to Hell."

"I'm serious here. Insanely rude Christians are a myth just like insanely rude vegetarians are a myth. People are a lot more sensible than that."

"I'm not sure if vegetarians are that sensible. Because a lot of them secretly believe meat tastes better."

"What do you mean?"

"Facon. Tofurkey. Gardenburgers. They go out of their way to make their vegetables taste like meat. By doing so, they are implying that meat tastes better."

"So keeping with a tradition of an established food type automatically makes them insane?"

"Yes. And that is why you shouldn't order meat around them."

"Look, I am going to order what I want, and Jess can order something vegetarian and the only discussion we will have is when I ask, 'How's your food?' and Jess goes, 'Good, and yours?'"

"We shall see. Oh, hey there, Jess!"

"Hey there. Sorry I'm late. Have you already ordered?"

"Yeah. I ordered the bacon sausage egg casserole."

"Meat is murder."

"Yeah, well, you're going to Hell."