Shut Up and Eat Your Vegetables

"I'd like the bacon sausage egg casserole, please."

"You can't order that!"

"Why?"

"Because Jess is meeting us for breakfast."

"So?"

"Hello? Jess is a vegetarian."

"So? Vegetarianism not contagious or anything."

"But Jess is going to see what you're eating and tell you that 'meat is murder'."

"That's a myth."

"No. Jess is very serious about not eating meat."

"No, I mean the insanely rude vegetarian is a myth. No one with a lick of sense wants to start a conversation with an insult. A vegetarian who starts out conversations by assaulting your dietary choice is just like an Evangelical Christian starting a conversation with 'You're going to Hell.'"

"You're going to Hell."

"I'm serious here. Insanely rude Christians are a myth just like insanely rude vegetarians are a myth. People are a lot more sensible than that."

"I'm not sure if vegetarians are that sensible. Because a lot of them secretly believe meat tastes better."

"What do you mean?"

"Facon. Tofurkey. Gardenburgers. They go out of their way to make their vegetables taste like meat. By doing so, they are implying that meat tastes better."

"So keeping with a tradition of an established food type automatically makes them insane?"

"Yes. And that is why you shouldn't order meat around them."

"Look, I am going to order what I want, and Jess can order something vegetarian and the only discussion we will have is when I ask, 'How's your food?' and Jess goes, 'Good, and yours?'"

"We shall see. Oh, hey there, Jess!"

"Hey there. Sorry I'm late. Have you already ordered?"

"Yeah. I ordered the bacon sausage egg casserole."

"Meat is murder."

"Yeah, well, you're going to Hell."