Thursday, September 04, 2008

Love Languages

There is this book out there that is about love languages. It is like those ubiquitous Mars Venus books. It is a book purchased primarily by newlywed wives who give it to newlywed husbands for the purpose of using the book to talk about the relationship.

Of course, what newlywed wives don't realize that their husbands got married so that they would never have to talk about the relationship ever again.

I say this because early in our marriage, I was presented with such a book. With a typical "I-do-not-realize-the-powers-I'm-tampering-with" attitude, I ignored it entirely, explaining that I had a stack of other books that really needed my attention first, especially considering the fact I had no idea if Spider-Man would win or not. I mean, the Green Goblin has a flying glider. How can Spider-Man possibly compete with that?

A few months after being presented with and subsequently ignoring the love languages book, an attractive single lady friend of ours told us how the love languages book totally changed her life. Because this woman was pretty, I feigned interest in the book. Which led to a "why-don't-you-ever-feign-interest-for-me-anymore" discussion with the Mrs.

Which eventually led to us discussing the relationship for a looooooooong time. Which is what the Mrs. wanted in the first place. I could have avoided this situation entirely by just reading the book and discussing it with her waaaay back when she wanted me to.

This, of course, reminds me of the Republican Vice Presidential candidate.

When I read about her, it is like there are two voices in my head and they are speaking two completely different love languages. And because there is not any common ground between these love languages, I cannot make up my mind what I think about her.

Here's an example:

One part of the brain goes, "I am very concerned about her lack of foreign policy experience."

The other part of the brain goes, "Dude. Vikings!"

One part of the brain goes, "In the brief time she has been in the national limelight, there seems to be a lot of inconsistencies between what she says she stands for and how she actually behaves in office."

To which the other part of the brain retorts, "Duuuuuude. Vikings!"

And finally the first part of the brain goes, "Neither political party truly represents your views on the issues, why even consider breaking with your tradition of voting for third party wackos in presidential elections? Especially when your reasons for subverting your principles are trivial bordering on nonsensical?"

The response?

"Duuuuuude. Vikings!"


R* said...

this is quite possibly the funniest thing i've read in a long time. i should admit i own this book, but i haven't yet forced it upon the opposite sex. note to self.

InvisibleMarketing said...

Oh, he lived. He's just fine. And look! He's still married.

PS: the book was a wedding gift. It would be some degree of rude to ignore advice from nice married people who like us enough to give us marital advice.

- c

heather said...

so i'm guessing 'i'm gonna shoot your ass if you try to leave me' ~isn't~ one of the suggestions in the love languages book.

great, now whenever i hear palin's name or see her picture i'm gonna think (and knowing me and my defunct self sensor mechanism, say out loud) dude! vikings!

first meeting as the assistant store manager is tuesday. god i hope no one mentions palin or vikings. but then again, that could very well make district wide meetings a thing of the past for me. hmmm...

Cyber D said...

Who is this Palin imposter you keep speaking of? Michael Palin rules!

M. Robert Turnage said...

R - Thanks!

c - Whenever you fact check my blog entries, my only response is, "My version is funnier."

Heather - Actually, I think "shooting your ass" is one of the love languages. The Mrs. and I often say to each other, "No one is getting out of this marriage alive."

Cyber - Michael Palin IS awesome! I am so glad he was secretly born in America. Otherwise he couldn't run for president.

Cyber D said...

Roberto, your latest post is actually pretty insightful... I was listening to the radio this morning and Gordon Keith was saying that his man-parts forced him to think that Palin's speech was pretty good - because later when he listened to just the audio of her speech he admitted that it kind of sucked!

M. Robert Turnage said...

Oh, those rascally man-parts. Can't live with 'em, cross your legs uncomfortably at the mere thought of living without 'em.

heather said...

ah, but is it supposed to be said with a loaded rifle in hand?
w/ j and i neither one of us is getting out sane. :)

NoRegrets said...

Friggin' hilarious.

Of course, the more stories I hear about other people's marriages, the more I think I should have stayed in mine... Oh well. I thought it was only MY husband that ignored shit like that.

Tera said...

"I am very concerned about her lack of foreign policy experience."

Even though she "lives closer to Russia" than the rest of us???

Cyber D said...

Man-Parts will be the ruin of our civilization. Mark my words.

NoRegrets said...

There once was a writer who blogged.
He'd comment, post, and write while he jogged.
He tripped on a root
All his readers did woot

Crap...need a last line.