A Website So Funny That It Hurts

Here is a confession - despite my best efforts, I am the whitest white guy in the whitey history of white sales. Honestly, I can walk into any room and make everyone crack up by trying to be cool in a non-pasty-man way. In fact, the last time I tried to be cool in a non-pasty-man way, I did my best pimp slide into a room and addressed the assembled populous with a jaunty little, "Whad up, Home Slice? I be chillin' wid the ladies TONIGHT!" and the result was NOT an evening spent chillin' wid the ladies, unless "chillin wid the ladies" can be defined as, "having everyone laugh at you until one of them accidentally released two drops of pee."

So imagine my surprise when I found out about this blog called Stuff That White People Like while listening to NPR.

And, wouldn't you know it, NPR is the Number 44 item on the blog.

The website is supposed to act as a primer when interacting and/or gaining the trust of white people. And we all know the best way to get close to white people is to show an interest in Stuff That White People Like.

I read entire site in a single evening, the entries were that compelling. And, for the most part, I didn't feel like arguing. The site is a great piece of satire, and like all great satire, some parts hurt a little.

I have included excerpts from some of my favorite entries below. Click the links to read the entries, or, better yet, just go to the site and read through it.

#18 Awareness - This one is BY FAR my favorite of the bunch. At one time, I was going to write a similar blog entry but now I don't have to.

An interesting fact about white people is that they firmly believe that all of the world’s problems can be solved through “awareness.” Meaning the process of making other people aware of problems, and then magically someone else like the government will fix it.

#75 Threatening to Move to Canada

Though they will never actually move to Canada, the act of declaring that they are willing to undertake the journey is very symbolic in white culture. It shows that their dedication to their lifestyle and beliefs are so strong, that they would consider packing up their entire lives and moving to a country that is only slightly similar to the one they live in now.

#12 Non-Profit Organizations - Oh, almost all my friends an a lot of my relatives work for non-profits. So, yeah, this one stung.

They like working there for a number of reasons, the most important of which is that it gives them a sense of self importance. This is important so that they can tell their friends and parents that they are “helping” society, and not just working to make money.

#16 “Gifted” Children - Oh, this stings.

I’m pretty sure the last non-gifted white child was born in 1962 in Reseda, CA. Since then, it’s been a pretty sweet run.

#17 Hating their parents - It was a phase! I promise! Just a phase!

White people love to talk about how much they hate their parents, so if you are in a situation where you need to gain a white person’s trust, ask them about their parents. But under no circumstances should you try to one up them, regardless of whether or not you were an orphan, abused, or watched your parents get shot. If you bring this up, the white person will never talk to you about their problems again, and you will be unable to gain their trust.

#32 Vegan/Vegetarianism

As with many white people activities, being vegan/vegetarian enables them to feel as though they are helping the environment AND it gives them a sweet way to feel superior to others.

#21 Writer’s Workshops - Ouch. I really felt the hurt from this one.

It’s no secret. White people want to be writers. Why wouldn’t they? Work 10 hours a week from a country house in Maine or England. Get called a genius by other white people, and maybe get your book made into a film.

#62 Knowing what’s best for poor people

They feel guilty and sad that poor people shop at Wal*Mart instead of Whole Foods, that they vote Republican instead of Democratic, that they go to Community College/get a job instead of studying art at a University.

#38 Arrested Development - Another big ouch.

They also love it because there are a few references to white popular culture, and if there is one thing that white people love, it’s cultural references that they understand (see Garden State, The Onion, and Juno for examples).