Monday, February 25, 2008

The Last Wife Corollary

I wrote about my Theory of Ex-Girlfriends, so it is only fitting that I also write about the Last Wife Corollary.

The name of this corollary comes from a friend of mine who was getting married to this lunkhead of a guy - her first, his second. Whenever someone pointed out that she was headed for a rocky romance, being his second wife and all, she would respond with a, "Honey, I am his last wife. Ain't no one gettin' outta this marriage alive."

I live by the Last Wife Corollary - it took me long enough to get married, and now there is nothing I want to do to screw it up. I am with my Last Wife because ain't no one gonna get outta this marriage alive.

In fact, during our wedding, right after the groom (me) made his vows and the bride (my wife) made her vows, EVERYONE IN ATTENDANCE was asked to stand and make a vow to do everything within their power to keep our marriage together forever. People who just came for the free cake and punch were a little taken aback when they were asked to make a solemn vow before the entire community and a couple of preachers and God. And this put us in a position where, if we ever had to split up, our plan would involve moving far away and wearing Groucho Marx glasses for the rest of our natural days.

So how does the Last Wife Corollary apply to the real world? It means that my wife becomes the golden standard of all things woman.

I no longer say things like, "I like redheads." Instead I say things like, "I like women whose hair reminds me of my wife's." If my wife changes her hair color, I suddenly develop a fondness for that shade. If she puts on a few pounds, I gain a fondness for women with a little meat on her bones. If she loses weight, I like 'em bony. If I decide to crush on Katherine Heigel it is because she says or does something that reminds me of my wife. If I think Diablo Cody has a wicked sense of humor, it is because Diablo Cody has a bit of the wit and insight I normally only find in my wife. Because she is the last wife I will ever have.

The point of this entry is this....

Today happens to be her birthday. Happy Birthday, Christie! Marrying you was the best thing I've ever done.

9 comments:

Cyber D said...

Very touching, and perhaps a good lesson for many... not for me, but for others!

Gyuss Baaltar said...

Awww...sappy love posts can be fun.

It is amazing how my ideal woman suddenly became whatever my wife is today.

And CyberD, this isn't a lesson for you. This is a lesson for men who love their wives, not men who enjoy the companionship of their beards.

M. Robert Turnage said...

If I were in wood shop, I would approach my wife on her birthday with a spice rack I made for her.

However, I write for a living, so she gets a blog post (which is the writer's version of a spice rack).

Tera said...

I hope you don't mind...I came here by way of Cyber D...love the post!

"People who just came for the free cake and punch were a little taken aback"

LMAO!

M. Robert Turnage said...

Please comment away. Cyber D has increased my readership tenfold. Hooray for me!

Susan said...

I'm also one of those people who found you via cyber d.

"And this put us in a position where, if we ever had to split up, our plan would involve moving far away and wearing Groucho Marx glasses for the rest of our natural days."

Classic.

Magnus said...

good for your wife you're not a plumber, mortician or soldier then

heather said...

nice spice rack there m. robert turnage. very well crafted.

InvisibleMarketing said...

I married verrrry, veryvery well. Loveu, sweetie! C