Dear Scriptwriter,

I received this letter today.

-RT

Dear Scriptwriter,

We hope you are proud. Very, very proud.

During the month of June, despite all the weddings and road trips, despite all the family barbeques and pool parties (or ski trips and snowball fights in the southern hemisphere), you managed to write a 20,000-word script. When the weather and the living finally got good, you did what any dedicated scriptwriter would do: You stowed yourself away, you typed like crazy, and you helped make history by writing and finishing your script during the very first Script Frenzy. Ever.

That’s right. You created scenes and slug lines and stage directions. You dreamt up dialogue and formatted it with reasonably exacting precision. You crafted characters, and you stuck to your scriptwriting regimen, pressing onward as many of your cohorts melted away into the temptations of summer.

And now look at you: A Script Frenzy winner.

Wait.

We stand corrected: A Script Frenzy World Premiere Winner!

[edited out special winners-only information]

Finally, if you haven't made a donation to Script Frenzy, please visit our Donation Station. So far, we've received donations from less than 3% of our Frenzies, and we're looking at a lot of unpaid bills. If you want Script Frenzy to return next year, please make a tax-deducible, karma-enriching donation today.

And that's a wrap! All of us here at Script Frenzy headquarters offer you our congratulations and admiration. We look forward to writing with you again next June.

Warm regards,

The Script Frenzy Staff

Can you tell I'm procrastionating when I should be working on my ScriptFrenzy script?

I know I should be working on a script and not posting video files into my blog, but this is neat.

Apparently, I'm Kid-Friendly

There is now a website that rates your blog based on the MPAA standards.

This shocks me a little, because most of the blogs I read are hard-R, at best.

Yet Another Reason I'm Saving up for a Camcorder

I've been flying twice a week for my job for several months. I try not to complain, but they make it so easy.

Seriously, the last month EVERY ONE of my American Airlines Flights (except one) have been delayed more than an hour. And the one that left on time, I almost missed because I just expected them to be running an hour late.

So I see this video about Delta, and think - no, that was an American flight! I swear it was American. As much as I hate the situation, I love this film. So here is my solution - for every hour your flight is delayed, you get points. Or Frequent Flyer miles or whatever. For every hour, you get 10,000 points. Then you can trade them in for prizes.

Like a camcorder.

So you can then make lovely movies like this one:

Another Movie Idea You Can Use

I am a member of the Dallas Screenwriter's Association.

At our last meeting, our speaker was late, so we took turn pitching script ideas to each other.

This was a lot of fun, although the #1 question after each pitch dealt with the genre of a movie. Apparently, we are at the point where any plot can be in any genre.

For example: "A professional assassin falls in love with a woman while under a fake identity. So he's lying to her about who she is. One night before a date, she witnesses one of his assassinations. She doesn't realize it is him, but all of a sudden he has been paid to kill her. Does he reveal his secret identity to her and invite her into his organization? Does he go on the run with her and put his life in jeopardy? Or does he just say 'Aw, screw it,' and kill her."

"Sounds like a great action adventure!"

"Um... its a comedy."

They were all like that.

Last night, when working on my ScriptFrenzy script, I got an idea for another movie. This often happens - my brain's way of procrastination is to come up with new ideas before I finish my first one. Anyway, I will never write this script. Ever.

So seriously, anyone out here who wants to develop this idea into a script, be my guest.

Mittens: The Presidential Cat

Trevor wanted to be a writer. Instead, he became a lawyer. He was the best, most weaselly lawyer ever. He even worked his way into the most corrupt place imaginable - the White House! But deep down inside, he still wanted to be a writer. He secretly writes legal briefings in iambic pentameter and makes wicked allusions to the works of John Cheever whenever he can.

Then one day, the Presidential Press Relations needed someone to write the authorized biography of Mittens, the White House Cat. Knowing about Trevor's secret passion, the cute press secretary thinks she is doing him a favor. She does not know that to write a bland life story about a cute and fuzzy moppet, Trevor will need a soul.

So Trevor decides to bond with the fluffball and grow a soul. This does not work because it turns out that Mittens ithe most ill-tempered, mean, and nastiest cat around. Whenever Trevor extends the warm hand of friendship, Mittens decides to keep a finger as a trophy.

Meanwhile, a group of dog-loving cat-hating radicals decide that the nation's love of Mittens has gone too far. Why does the President have a cat, anyway? Aren't dog's better and friendlier? And now the cat is putting out an autobiography? The world no longer makes any sense.

So these radicals decide to kidnap Mittens.

They succeed.

Trevor doesn't know what to do. He has lost Mittens, and will surely suffer the wrath when that is discovered. ("They'll bring back the guillotine for me!" he laments.) So he buys a replacement cat who looks almost like Mittens, but not quite, and goes on a quest for the stolen cat.

Meanwhile Mittens is wreaking havoc on the lives of its cat-nappers. Eventually, though, he warms their hearts and they grow to love him and his mouse-and-bird-killing ways.

Right when they do, Trevor shows up for the showdown.

What will happen next? Will Trevor get the cat back? Will the President decide to keep the Fake Mittens? Will Trevor ever write the book of his dreams? Will a studio option this idea for $1,000,0000? who knows?

Oh, and it is supposed to be a comedy.

The Thing That Made Me Laugh The Most Today

I laugh at many things. As a highly-paid traveling consultant, I have to.

This, however, made me laugh the most.



And just when you couldn't laugh any harder, Veronica Belmont posts this.

What I Have Been Up To

I haven’t been posting much lately because I’m deeply involved in Script-Frenzy this month.

The idea is you write a feature-length film script in 30 days. 20,000 words of which I have completed close to 6,000. (Don't worry, I always write like this - the closer to the deadline the more work I actually accomplish.)

I decided to do a sort of sequel/update of Christopher Marlowe’s “Doctor Faustus,” but thanks tothe combination of a looming deadline and my questionable talent, the script is quickly turning into a grindhouse-style horror film and not necessarily the life-changing art film I set out to write.

Not all is lost, though. I was able to work in this scene, based on a true-life event I witnessed in the Oklahoma City bus station sometime in the early 90s.

EXT. BUS STATION
An old man and a 20ish woman sit together on a bench. There are two children running around, screaming and generally being a nuisance.

OLD MAN

‘Scuse me ma’am, do you mind if I ask a personal question?

TWENTY SOMETHING WOMAN

No. I don’t mind.

OLD MAN

You beat your kids?

TWENTY SOMETHING WOMAN

No. I don’t believe in that.

The old man mulls this over.

OLD MAN

Want me to?

Wherein I Once Again Proclaim the My Wife is the Gold Standard

When I was 15, I had a crazy-mad crush on Laurie Anderson. Not only was she a wacked-out performance artist who was exciting and funny, she had also been a cheerleader. Oh, that Laurie... always challenging my expectations by simultaneously embodying two actualities most people would consider mutually exclusive.

Anyway, I saw this great little short video of Laurie Anderson where she begins the conversation with the words, "You know, I hate television." And I immediately thought of my wife, because she is the type of person who begins conversations with the words, "You know, I hate television."



As I get further into my marriage, I'm noticing that my thought process becomes more and more like this. Instead of going, "Whoa. My wife sounds just like Laurie Anderson," I go, "Whoa. Laurie Anderson sounds just like my wife." It is a subtle, but important change from when I was single, because she has now become the gold standard that I use to measure other people.

Sorry, ladies of the world.

Call me AWARD WINNING Podcast Producer from now on!

The educational podcast I helped produce won an educational grant.

We are all happy about this and are already talking about next year’s class’s podcast.

Happy days!

Is there a market for corporate stand-up comedians or is there only a niche big enough for this guy?

Because I want this job:

Life After Death by PowerPoint

Add to My Profile | More Videos

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

An Essay by M. Robert Turnage

When you are younger, summer vacation is a great oasis of sloth. When you are a grown up summer vacation lasts only a week and usually involves catching up on all the errands you have been putting off for the past three years.

Last week, I went with the family to the Oregon coast, and catching up with the family is an errand I have been putting off for the past three years.

There were six of us in all - both of the Folks, my brother, Will (aka Wubbahed aka Williepie), his lovely wife, Kat (aka Katpie), and my lovely wife, Mrs. Wonderifical-Turnage.

Why the Oregon coast?

Well, how about this:



Or this:



Or this:



It was mad glorious beautiful everywhere, even though the fishing docks smelled like… fishing docks.

On our first day there, we looked out window of our room and saw a pirate ship.



I have no idea if the boat was out there promoting a movie or not, but if the movie had adult content in it, it would have to be rated “Arrrrrrrr!”

We went on a lot of hiking trails. On one of them, my brother tried to take a picture of this ugly plant with his extremely cool Nokia N95. “I’m trying to get my macro settings to work.” With a casual, “Oh, you mean like this?” I turned on my camera’s macro settings and took this picture.



We went out in a boat for some whale watching. Whale watching is really fun, but not the best thing in the world to photograph. Whales move fast and you can’t really predict where they will come up. Plus, the pictures don’t capture the motion, noise, and sheer excitement of a whale going, “PSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!!”



Here is a great picture of the back of my Mom’s hair in crystal clear focus, while the mighty gray whale is blurry in the background. Truly, I have missed my calling as a professional photographer. Mall Santas everywhere are weeping.



Here is a sea lion on a buoy.



We went to the aquarium, which was fun, but most of the animals living there came from the harbor that was all of ¼ mile away. So we paid money to see the same sea lions that were sunning on the rocks just outside the aquarium.



Having said that, the sea lions were pretty cool. So were the sea otters.



They also had a Giant Squid-o-Meter. It looks like six of me would equal one giant squid.



While at the same time, it would take eight of my lovely wife to make one giant squid.



Sadly, during our aquarium tour the disembodied shark teeth ate my brother’s hand. While posing for this picture, other aquarium patrons just laughed and laughed at his misery.



Here is the jigsaw puzzle I finished. Sure, Mom, and Williepie did the borders and large chunks of the image, but I put in the final piece. So, technically, I finished the puzzle.



My brother accidentally left his extremely cool Nokia N95 sitting around, making it very easy for me to pick up.



It is a great little phone. In the short time I handled it, I was able to send a high-priority text message to everyone in his address book. The text message? “From now on, please do not call me Williepie – CALL ME SILLIEPIE!”

His boss seemed to appreciate it most of all.



Their big googly eyes met from across the room. With the rich smell of butter sauce in the air, they took tentative sideways-steps towards each other. Love at first sight was never this tasty.



Someone told me that the calories you consume on vacation do not count. Good Lord, I hope so.



Somewhere in there, I drank beer from the local brewery as well as a nice little concoction called Moose Drool. It tasted better than it sounds.

In conclusion, I like vacations.

My Dream Job is to Work for These Professionals

This is a Million Times Better Than Those "Peeing on a Ford" Stickers

When You Talk to Me and Say Something Clever, Chances are It Will Eventually Wind up in the Blog

Me: I know I come across as crabby and opinionated, but I really don't want to offend people. So, could you answer a question for me? What is the right way to refer to you? Should I use "black" or "African-American?"

Friend: I prefer to be called Larry.

Surprisingly Good Criticism from Slamdance

Several months ago, I wrote a short film screenplay, that I happened to like. I entered it in a few contests and got bummed out because it didn't even place.

So I submitted the almost very same short film screenplay (except I changed the "Working" in the title to the folksier "Workin'") to the Slamdance Film Festival and paid the extra few dollars for some feedback. I consider it money well spent. The reviewer even quoted Thoreau, which is always a plus.

I like this feedback so much, I don't mind so much if the script doesn't win, place or show. There are always more scripts and more contests.

So... here is the screenplay.

And here is the feedback:

Slamdance Screenplay Competition
Coverage for Workin' Girl (Reader #55031)
Evaluation:
Melissa is a struggling actress who works as a waitress to pay the bills. The first act (pages 1 - 5) essentially works at developing her character and does so efficiently. The first conflict arrises when her boss gives her a double shift and she must A) convince him to let her out B) make the audition with the time given her. It's a race against the clock and because of the earlier character build up showing just how much she wants to act, the tension is palpable. Act two is the audition. Melissa sees a coworker there - a young ditz with little passion or respect for the craft. That she has no talent as an actress will, ironically, be dependant on the performance of the young woman who plays the character. Following the audition, Shannon gives Melissa a ride back to work. Act three is the reveal: Melissa got a role! But not the one she wanted. That went to Shannon and so stamps the film with the old addage: "Nobody said life is fair." It's not, clearly. Here lies the largest conflict for the main character: give in or keep trying? Thankfully Melissa keeps trying, but in such a way that we are never told explicitly that things will be okay, but rather a message is hinted that the true value contained in life is not the achievement but the trying. Ultimately, this provides a beautiful end to an deftly handled but otherwise traditional story.

What works:
The writer is to be congratulated in the way by which they reveal the character of Melissa in the opening act. Little things like the different accent for each table and the "campaign" for more hours are good ways of illustrating her as hard working, creative, and in need of money. She say a lot without saying a lot, which is one of the primary rules of good writing and the author does that exceptionally well here. The End: This isn't the first script written about a struggling actor, nor will it be the last. What sets this one apart from the bunch is not just the lack of happy ending / resolution, but the characters heartwarming desire to push on. It's a banner for hardwork and optimism which can come across as sentimental and "light" if done poorly, but can also come across as inspirational and real, when done well, as it is done here.

What doesn't work:
Something abstract and something simple. Your biggest issue lies with originality. That isn't to say that this is not a unique piece of writing. It is. But it retains the frame work of the traditional "struggling actor story." Luckily your characters excede this limitation, but the confines of a 10 page script still hold them back. Consider a wider scope in a future draft. There are a few instances where the author allows potential plot twists and turns to go unrealized. It's not something that is done wrong per se, just something which could be done better. The piece is extremely tight, but in some instances that actually works against you. As an experiment, consider everything that could possibly go wrong in Melissa's day and write that in. The boss says No. The scooter gets a flat, runs out of gas. She leaves her makeup behind. Arrives late. Wrong building etc. Etc. You provide plenty of internal hurdles for the character, now provide a few more external ones.

How it can be improved:
The most basic element is originality. Of course, every story has been told before so you're not likely to write something entirely new. However, the script as it is has enough going for it that it could stand to benefit from a longer draft with a deeper more personal exploration of the characters. Not to get too academic here, but Henry David Thoreau said something once that I (if I may use the singular) always liked: "...for if he has lived sincerely, it must have been in a distant land to me." In other words, the author in encouraged to allow themselves the time and leeway to make a fully personal realization of the character which have up until now been sketched in compelling but still broad outlines. You may perhaps do a rewrite of it in a pilot format (roughly 30 pages). As it is and with the ending you've allowed, it may make for an interesting TV show. Also, a small thing: you may consider using the second shift as a more dynamic hurdle to be overcome. Some maneuvering and scheming might add to the sense of urgency and keep the audience on their seat for just those extra few minutes.

Next step:
This reader's reccomendation: do a rewrite as a thirty page pilot. This is much more likely to be noticed as a TV show than as a short.

In Defense of Film Snobbery

Background information:

Balding Angrily Alex recently wrote a typo-laden article for the Filmspotting newsletter, The Dope Sheet.

Normally, this would not be cause for alarm, except for the fact that he came out and called me a Film Snob. And just recently, MichaelVox on the Cinebanter podcast (Show # 26 to be exact) ALSO called me a Film Snob.

Personally, I don't think anyone with Xanadu in his film collection qualifies as an out-and-out Film Snob.

However, seeing how the gauntlet was thrown down at my feet (or, more accurately, directly at my face), I decided to write a rebuttal.

It appears in this week's edition of The Dope Sheet.

And I share it with you here.

The Joys of Film Snobbery

Film Snobs get a bad rap. We are the people who drone on and on about lighting and symbolism, often using words like "droll." We berate you for laughing at Will Ferrell; we peer down our nose at you when Tom Hanks is mentioned; and we only like directors whose names you can't pronounce. We suck all the joy out of your love of movies. We are the proverbial downers.

What gives? The best way to describe the Film Snob situation is to liken it to the great con game we call golf. No one likes golf; it is a terrible affront to all things living. It barely qualifies as a sport. But to point out the obvious is to confess that you don't know "the secret handshake of the rich and powerful." That's right. By perpetuating the myth that golf is vaguely interesting -- maybe even going as far as to say that golf makes your toes tingle -- there is a good chance you will get invited to a Country Club. Country Clubs are incredible places where food is plentiful and the rich and beautiful just lounge around, looking for someone to financially subsidize and/or marry. All you have to do to be a part of this exclusive club is to rhapsodize for at least 20 minutes about your grip and the power of your backswing.

Film Snobbery is a secret handshake in the film community. When you are a Film Snob, doors open up to you, allowing you into a cinematic Country Club. Directors mention you on their commentary tracks. Movie marketing reps send you to test screenings. People you don't know shovel piles of DVDs into your car, whispering things like, "I think you'll like these Asian imports. They're very symbolic."

"Very symbolic" is Film Snob code word for "lots of boobies and swears." In fact, 99.9% of all of the high-minded Film Snobbery jargon roughly translates to "lots of boobies and swears." "Boy, that actress gave a brave performance," means, "that movie has lots of boobies and swears." So does, "She is willing to go to a dark place." Seriously, next time you hear a Film Snob say, "I really enjoyed the cinematography," what the Film Snob means is "Dude, there were a lot of boobies and swears."

But how will your social standing be if you used the words "boobies and swears" all the time? As in, "Hey, let's all go out to the theater and check out a long series of boobies and swears? It'll be fun!" That may fly in various fraternity houses, but the real world is a little trickier.

So a Film Snob lexicon was developed. Please allow me to demonstrate how it works.

One time, I wanted to see "Species," a movie that practically guaranteed to be chock full of boobies and swears. My girlfriend-at-the-time told me no way, that we shouldn't see it because it (and I quote) "looks stupid."

"Oh no. It is really a feminist treatise on the plight of the female identity in a contemporary society. The alien monster protagonist is the personification of a cultural anxiety that results in a conflict between societal pressures and a genetic determinism that forces women into dual-yet-conflicting roles of both mother and sex object. The monster-movie veneer is simply to trick the populace into consuming these culturally-challenging and cutting edge ideas. It is very deep and has a rich subtext. I understand Natasha Henstridge gives a very brave performance throughout the film. She is an actress willing to take it to a dark place."

After the movie, she was livid. "What do you mean 'feminist treatise'? It was nothing but a bunch of boobies and swears!"

"You have got to be kidding me??!!! There was a rich subtext to it. Didn't you notice the cinematography? They were ON A TRAIN for cryin' out loud! It was symbolism!"

At that moment, one-half of a nearby couple pointed to me and went, "See honey! He saw the symbolism, too! You can't tell me there wasn't any!" Yes, it was another Film Snob.

Like wild loons responding to a mating call, the Film Snob and I quickly huddled together, sharing innermost thoughts about brave actresses willing to go to a dark place. By the end of our Film Snob conversation, I had a handful of free movie passes, a stack of import Asian DVDs, and a book-length essay by Lars von Trier about the sheer drollness of Meg Ryan.

Truly, that was one of the best nights of my life. The only thing that could have made it better was if I had a chance to talk about my backswing. Maybe then I would have been invited to the Country Club.

If Somehow I Could Use Skills Like These On The Job

I Promise I'm Working on More Blog Posts

Until I actually have a presentable blog post, here is a little song:

The Worst Song I Have Ever Heard

I first heard this song on episode 301 of Coverville and was happy to see it turn up on the music blog Loudersoft.

Because bleeding ears need good company, I now present ODB and Macy Gray singing "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart."

You've been warned.

Back to Reality

For the unsuspecting, the previous blog entry came from Alex at Balding Angrily. He is doing amazing and fun things with his blog by having blog swaps with various people. If you would like to read my entry on his blog, it is here.

For those of you who read the Christmas letter, you know we are doing home repairs and sprucing up our house for sale. This is proving to be a much bigger project than we originally thought. Not to mention the fact that I spent a few months on the road for work, and managed to get precious little done from 2000 miles away.

We are making headway, moving things into storage and finding places to stash our stuff. Some neighbors will now have (for a few months, at least) a piano to for their daughter to learn music on. I asked one of my friends if he would not mind holding onto my wine refrigerator (and the wine therein) as well as my surround sound system while we allow all prospective buyers to tromp over shiny new hardwoods. My friend responded with a hearty, "Heck yeah! That is what friends are for."

While we are packing up stuff and moving it out, I am putting a few of my books on eBay. Most of them (ok, all of them) are old comics, but I did happen onto one art/photography book from Dave McKean that someone else is selling on eBay for $125.00. That surprised me, but when I remembered that there were only 3,000 in existence and that that Dave McKean has gone on from doing photography and art exhibit books to directing movies like MirrorMask, it made more sense. Maybe someone wouldn't mind paying the low low price of $99.99 for such a book if it came from me.

Anyway, here are the listings. If you live in the Dallas area, I don't mind meeting you and waiving the shipping fees.