How to Pretend You Care about the Election

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The Theory of Ex-Girlfriends and My Dumb Political Views

I don’t like writing about politics, because – quite honestly – I don’t want to be one of those people who write about politics. I don’t have great insight or knowledge, and my political ideas are a little wonky. (Case in point, my take on the whole gay marriage issue is to proclaim that government should not have any say on the subject marriage whatsoever – if it is a government-recognized common-property partnership used to determine taxable income rates, it should be called a civil union instead of marriage. Ta daa! Problem solved.)

But I have this great theory about how presidents are determined that I call The Theory of Ex-Girlfriends, and I want to write about it. So if that means writing about politics, I will have to write about politics. Do not worry, this will not become a habit.

The Theory of Ex-Girlfriends is this – your next relationship is determined by the most annoying thing about your most previous relationship. If you were in a relationship with someone who had fidelity issues, suddenly faithfulness will be the number one thing you look for in a next relationship. Who cares if she is crazy and bipolar, if she will stick with you no matter what, you are in love. Of course, if you break up with the crazy person, suddenly mental stability is the most important thing ever. Who cares if the new significant other is about as exciting as a patch of moss, that person is mentally stable and you are in love with that stability.

I love this theory and I use it for all sorts of things from restaurants I don’t like to employer evaluations. For example, during job interviews that begin with the questions like, “Why are you looking for a job?” you can respond with a blues song that begins, “That no good HR rep done me wrong (duh duh dah daaaaah duh). That benefits package was at sub-market levels (duh duh dah daaaaah duh). And I just wanna company that shoots straight with me on their dental plan! (crazy explosion of music) I need a new job, baby. I need a new job. I need a new job... right now.”

Anyway, I think Presidents are determined by the Theory of Ex-Girlfriends. In 2000, Bush’s basic campaign was, “Hey! I’m not Clinton. I may be a lot of things, but I won’t cheat on my wife with an intern and then try to weasel my way out of it by saying oral sex isn’t real sex.”

And, to that extent, he was exactly right. Throughout the entire Bush presidency, he has not cheated on his wife and subsequently landed himself in a sex scandal. Hooray for Bush on that single count! But that isn't enough for me to rewrite the constitution and stick with him one more term. We are breaking up and Bush is now the Ex.

Now that we are breaking up as president and constituent, I am using all of the bad things I don’t like about Bush to determine who I am going to vote for in the next election. So… what has been the most annoying thing about the Bush Presidency?

I have a co-worker who often points out that the Bush Presidency is not the Reagan II Presidency as much as it is Nixon II Presidency. Both Cheney and Rumsfield were old Nixon staffers and run the office like they're about to break into the Watergate hotel just for old time's sake, and the entire idea of “executive privilege” is much more in line with Nixon’s handling of the office than Reagan’s. Heck, even the wiretapping law in the news now is a holdover from the Nixon presidency.

A lot more parallels can be made between the two presidencies (for example, look at the way independent investigatory committees are treated by the two administrations), but what interests me more is how the nation reacted to Nixon when he became their ex-girlfriend. (And, for the sake of good metaphor, I pretending Ford is that one-off fling that never really happened. Ah, denial.)

How did the nation react to Nixon as an Ex?

They elected Jimmy Carter.

After feeling lied to and fleeced by the Commander in Chief, the American people turned to someone who was charismatic, decent, and above all, honest. He didn’t have all that much inside-the-beltway experience, but who cared. He wasn’t shifty. He was open and good. He inspired hope.

And the office of the presidency chewed up and spit him out.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

As much as I think Obama is a wonderful, charismatic speaker, as much as he makes me feel hope and makes me realize America could be a great place again, he could very well be the next Jimmy Carter. I like Carter and I think he is a great person who has succeeded at pretty much everything he has done, except, of course, being President.

I freely admit that this is a terrible attitude – essentially I am going into a new relationship thinking about what the break up will be like. But I am talking about politicians here. They have term limits, which means that we are going to break up eventually. Which is one of the reasons some people get upset when Bill Clinton shows up, because, didn't we already break up with you? Aren't you over us yet? Why are you stalking us like this?

Anyway, I guess what I'm getting to this this - one of those Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is "Begin with the end in mind." Becoming President in 2008 is not the end. It is just the beginning. So let's start thinking of it as the beginning of another presidency, not the end of the old one.

Politics for... you know... kids!

So my Councilman is running for Dallas Mayor. And, like a dutiful, educated citizen, I'm following the issues and keeping track of the voting records.

But that doesn't really mean anything because he has decided to campaign on an issue I had never even heard of until I read about it on his blog. A new herion-like drug called "cheese." My honest-to-goodness reaction was, "Huh? Never heard about this before. If it is such a problem, what is his solution? A larger police force (which will mean increasing the increasingly-stretched-to-the-limit city budget)? A special task force? What? And should it be the governments responsibility to raise a kid or, you know, the kid's parents???"

But, you know, it is a BLOG ENTRY on a politician's web site, so how important can it be anyway?

Right. Totally insignificant in every way.

That's what I thought until today, when he released his first commercial. Then I realized that he is building his campaign around something no one has expressed concern over or taken a vote on.



Yes, taking the stance that kids should be happy and healthy is a no-brainer for a politician. And, yes, his video editor just loves loves loves the Impact font. But should we just sit back and laugh at this video clip? Look at all the time and effort put into it. They even went as far as to subtitle the second half for the deaf, hearing impaired, illiterate, or for people who just like foreigh films.

What ads like this really remind me of was when I was younger and watched 'The 700 Club' special on the evils of rock music. I was not, how do you say, very cool, and depended on shows like 'The 700 Club' to tell me what was popular. Luckily, that show delivered the goods.

It was there that I learned about GWAR and Danzig for the very first time. When the announcer said, "Your kids are listening to this!" and then played a nice little video segment of GWAR disembowling a manequin at a concert, I knew I had to learn more about this wonderful new band.

Sure enough, a well-placed GWAR T-shirt or a masterful quoting of Danzig lyrics got me in with a cooler, more unkempt crowd who taught me the values of sneering, not bathing, and hating the world. And, after my two weeks of coolness, I went back to my fantasy novels and Billy Joel. It was too much for me to handle.

I've digressed...

We were talking about? Ah yes, the political ad.

So when I see ads like this, I think kids "as young as 10 and 11" who are so uncool that they watch political ads for fun, suddenly getting it into their heads that, if I want to reinvent myself in a cooler, more drug addicted asthetic, I can do so faster and cheaper with this cheese product. Thank you, politicians of the world! Thank you!

Why I Will Never Be In Politics #9,432,177

Here is a great little video of Dallas City Councilman, Leo Chaney, walking out of a bad public meeting, mumbling a nice little insult under his breath.



Ok, I don't say things like this, but I THINK things like this all the time. And I know if I were in a stressful situation, these kind of words would definitely come out.

So I got this from one of the news sites I read, and it has all of this tut-tutting text around the video about how this guy is an elected official and needs to set a standard for public decorum and yadda yadda.

Yep. There is no way for me to achieve this high standard. Part of me is too much of an eight-year old who still laughs at "yo momma" comebacks.

Podcasts I Like: Professional Podcasts

Part of the entire appeal of podcasting is that it is relatively cheap to become a home audio producer. Plus there is the whole community aspect to it – you don’t know who your next-door neighbors are, but there are about 30 or so podcasters who regularly check in with you.

This is all nice, but a quick glance at the iTunes Top Ten Podcasts shows you that professionally produced podcasts dominate the market. Some of them are existing radio shows being distributed on the internet, and some of them are from existing media empires branching out into the world of podcasting. Either way, they set the standard for what podcasts should aspire to.

So I decided to list out all of my favorite podcasts created by major media outlet. I’m putting This American Life and all of the news podcasts (even the fake news podcast from The Onion) I listen to are in a little penalty box. Seriously, they do not need me to blog about them to get more listeners.

1. Slate / Slate Explainer – I never read Slate Magazine before they started doing podcasts. (And, to be honest, the main reason I first subscribed to the podcast was because Slate has a column about neat podcasts to listen to.) Every day, the podcast presents either an article reading or discussion about a news item. And on Fridays, they have a political gabfest.

2. On the Media – My second favorite NPR program (next to This American Life). It is a media program about the media. Sounds like a potential for a navel-gazing mess, doesn’t it? But it is not, it is one of the most insightful programs about what it is like to live a mediated existence.

3. Left, Right, and Center – Every Friday, I get a one-two punch of this political talk show and the Slate Political Gabfest. Does it make me smarter? No. Does it make me understand politics more? Not really. Does it make me keenly aware how most pundits are more personality then principle? You betcha. You can also make a drinking game out of how many times there are screaming talking heads on a show that claims to be an antidote to screaming talking heads.

4. Creative Screenwriting – If you’ve ever aspired to be a screenwriter, this is the podcast to listen to. Basically, it is a one-on-one conversation with a screenwriter about a completed film. One of my favorite ones is the interview with Zac Penn discussing the script to X3: The Last Stand. Basically, he says that screenwriters on big-budget action films wind up being the logic police more than anything else. The director thinks it would be cool if such-and-such character fought such-and-such character so it is the screenwriter’s job to provide the motivation in a way that makes sense. Truly fascinating.

5. Fanboy Radio – It is so easy to love comics when you are listening to people who love comics.

Why I Could Never Run for Office

It looks like I'm in the top 20 of a Huffington Post Write the Caption for this Photo Contest. Because everyone is voting in the comments thread, I keep checking the post every three and a half minutes, just to see if more people are voting for me. And what do you know? Some people are.

Watching the voting process in action is quite nerve-wracking. More than I thought possible.