A: Oh, don't mind me, I'm fine here in the dark...
Once the Mrs. was starring in a play cursed with a talentless director. He cast her as a Jewish mother and kept giving her direction like, "Nononono! Be more JEWISH. You know... JEWISH!" And then he would do a move I called "aggressive jazz hands" for emphasis. My wife, being a good actress, imitated this aggressive jazz hands gesture back to the man and asked, "I don't understand. You mean like this?" He responded by mumbling something about compromised artistic vision.
The Mrs. asked me later to help articulate the director's vision. "What does he mean by a Jewish mother?"
To which I responded, "He means a Brooklyn accent accompanied by a manner that makes everyone feel guilty. Because if you say Jewish mother or Chinese mother or Minnesotan mother or Southern mother, it all basically boils down to the same stereotype with a different accent."
I share these stories because of a phone call I received from American Airlines the other day. As I mentioned in this entry, I am a Platinum Club Dadoodie Dude on American Airlines. I am pretty proud of this fact, and I get emails from American Airlines all the time saying, "You know all those national news stories about how we charge passengers extra $25 for checking in luggage? Because you are so important to us, you will be blessed with the privilege of maintaining the status quo. That's right! We won't charge you our extra made up because-we-said-so luggage fee because we are that nice and you are that cool."
Anyway, they called because I am a Platinum Guy, and I used to fly with them all the time, and I haven't flown with them in awhile. They ignored the fact that I flew with them last month to New Mexico, I am flying with them to Chicago this month, and I'm flying with them to Atlanta next month, they just said that I used to fly with them all the time and they wanted to know what they could do to get me to fly with them all the time once again.I don't like calls like this. And, even though I am fairly loyal to American Airlines, I also have my share of complaints.
But here is the kicker - the telemarketing group that American Airlines uses to call its Platinum Members who don't fly as much as they used to is staffed almost exclusively with older Southern Ladies. So the conversation was like talking with my grandmother about how I haven't come by and visited. Or why haven't I called. Or why there aren't any great-grandchildren.
So instead of getting angry at American Airlines and telling them that, even though I am Platinum and all, I am not the happiest of customers and if a company like Jet Blue flew where I needed to go, I would go there in a heartbeat, I started apologizing for hurting their feelings and telling them that I would do better next time and how can they possibly forgive me for being such a bad person?
Almost as soon as I hung up, I realized what happened and how American Airlines is a genius, yet diabolical, company.
12 comments:
At the time I was somewhat proud to be clueless in the face of a racial stereotype. I was chagrined by my lack of a convincing Brooklyn accent, however.
My sweet husband gives me too much credit. For one thing, it was an audition. But his version of the story is funnier than mine!
Wow, that is pure, evil genius. Next time they call, you should play the derelict son who guilts back: "You make me pay for my flights, like you don't really want me to fly with you. How do you think that makes me feel? If you'd give me my own plane with a pilot to take me anywhere wherever, maybe I'd come visit more often. But I know you don't love me as much as you love my brother."
I see they are trolling the nursing homes for cheap labor...
That's pretty damn funny though. My reaction to the whole guilt thing is to be relatively unmoved by it when someone tries to place it on me. I can do it to myself quite enough.
So explain to me what "flying all the time" means... because a major haul once a month sounds like "all the time" to me... you are one well traveled dude if you making long hauls every week!
Hmmm, I usually fly United. It's funny though, because I had always enjoyed them up until my recent trip to N'awlins...they were a little raggedy!
I have been told several times that I don't "sound black" on the phone....and I thought THAT was bad!
Mrs. Dahlink - My versions want to be funnier.
Courtney - That is a fine strategy, but do you honestly think I am capable of doing something like that? That is one of the reasons the Mrs is in my life - she protects me from emotionally manipulative women because I fall for crap like that all the time.
NoR - I was going to make a joke about Wal-Mart greeters looking for telemarketing jobs, but that wound up on the editing room floor.
Cyber - My last 10-month assignment was to Detroit from Dallas. So I flew out every Sunday night and flew back every Thursday night for 10 months. Then I have to fly to Seattle once a year. People in my company tend to take their vacations at home - or "staycations" as they are called.
Tera - I worked with a woman who was an adopted Filipino that grew up in Central Texas - she had one of the strongest twangy accents of anyone I have ever heard. And she would tell stories all the time about how people who only talked with her on the phone did a double-take when they finally saw her.
Wow, MRT - what a commute! Dallas/Detroit. Whew. That would get on my nerves...
NoR, it was harder on the Mrs. than it was me. I got between 6 and 8 hours a week of "quiet time" in airports where I did a lot of writing. Plus I got paid a lot for doing a job no one else wanted to do. Plus, I worked retail for three Christmas seasons and I've worked in a cardiac ICU - this job was a breeze compared to both of them.
flying that much... didn't your arms get tired? Ohhhh!!!! Bada-Bing!!!! Thank you, thank you very much... I'll be here all week.
M. Roberto, M. Roberto...wherefor art thou M. Roberto??? You haven't been the first one to "pounce" in a while!
i can perfectly picture my mother in that gaggle of old ladies...
blech
Full disclosure: commuting like that wears down even the toughest and most gung-ho business travelers. Including my husband. He was a trouper about it. But after he got off the road, it took something like six weekends of sleeping in, going nowhere, and seeing no one but family for him to recharge.
Typically business travel is psychologically tougher on the spouse who isn't traveling and physically tougher on the spouse who is traveling.
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