Taking direction from Rod Hilton's The Editing Room, I have decided to make ridiculous fun of a movie that I recently saw by writing a script abridgement. If you liked Closer, I want you to know that I am sincerly grateful that this film brought you joy. However, you and I are just going to have to agree to disagree on this one. Nothing anyone will say will make me like this film, and nothing I will say will convince someone to hate it.
Except maybe if I say, "Why don't you watch Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and then come back and talk to me about Closer?"
Closer: The Abridged Script
By M. Robert Turnage
FADE IN:
INT. Hospital, Aquarium, Art Gallery, or Strip Club
JUDE LAW
Hey.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Hey.
INT. Hospital, Aquarium, Art Gallery, or Strip Club
CLIVE OWEN
Hey.
JULIA ROBERTS
Hey.
INT. Hospital, Aquarium, Art Gallery, or Strip Club
JUDE LAW
Hey.
JULIA ROBERTS
Hey.
INT. Loft, Apartment, or Hotel room
JUDE LAW
I love you, Natalie Portman,
but I slept with Julia Roberts.
NATALIE PORTMAN
NOOOOOOOOOO!
Natalie Portman goes to a Hospital, Aquarium, Art Gallery, or Strip Club.
INT. Loft, Apartment, or Hotel room
JULIA ROBERTS
I love you, Clive Owen,
but I slept with Jude Law.
CLIVE OWEN
NOOOOOOOOOO!
Clive Owen goes to a Hospital, Aquarium, Art Gallery, or Strip Club.
INT. Hospital, Aquarium, Art Gallery, or Strip Club
CLIVE OWEN
Hey.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Hey.
INT. Loft, Apartment, or Hotel room
JULIA ROBERTS
I love you, Jude Law,
but I slept with Clive Owen.
JUDE LAW
NOOOOOOOOOO!
Jude Law goes to a Hospital, Aquarium, Art Gallery, or Strip Club.
INT. Hospital, Aquarium, Art Gallery, or Strip Club
JUDE LAW
Hey.
CLIVE OWEN
I hate you, Jude Law.
I slept with Natalie Portman.
JUDE LAW
NOOOOOOOOOO!
Jude Law goes to a Hospital, Aquarium, Art Gallery, or Strip Club.
INT. Hospital, Aquarium, Art Gallery, or Strip Club
JUDE LAW
Hey.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Hey.
INT. Loft, Apartment, or Hotel room
JUDE LAW
I love you, Natalie Portman,
but I am going to be mean to
you until you tell me that you
slept with Clive Owen.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I don’t love you, Jude Law.
I slept with Clive Owen.
JUDE LAW
NOOOOOOOOOO!
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3 comments:
Sooo sooo good. I like your version better.
But the people in the movie you suggested aren't so visually appealing.
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