Why I Like Formulas

I can be a jerk sometimes when it comes to entertainment, because it is not enough for you to like the right movies and television shows, but you have to like them for the right reasons as well. (I am working on this, but it is hard.)

If you like don't like Pulp Fiction because it is a meditation on the American identity from a class and race perspective, ultimately drawing the conclusion that what makes us truly Americans is our shared love popular culture, and instead like the movie because it is freakin' cool how Bruce Willis chops The Gimp with a samurai sword, I will probably tell you I am not a big fan of Quentin Tarantino's work.

(Although, truth be told, I freakin' love Pulp Fiction because it is a mediation on the American identity from a class and race perspective, ultimately drawing the conclusion that what makes us truly Americans is our shared love of popular culture. And, ok, that samurai sword bit was kinda freakin' awesome, but only because it was SYMBOLIC.)



I am a horrible snob about some things and try to keep this in check. Sometimes it eeks out. For example, when someone dismisses a movie or television show because it is too formulaic, I go nuts.

My quip is usually a sarcastic, "Well, yeah. Because dramatic structure is never formulaic." Then I roll my eyes. Then I look down my nose. Then I point to their shirt and say, "You've got something right the- OOOOP!" and I flip their nose as soon as they begin to look down. Because that is the formulaic behavior of someone who is being a condescending jerk.

Formulas are great. No one should complain about something being formulaic because the fundamentals of storytelling can be distilled into simple formulas. Three Act Structure. Five Act Structure. Boy Meets Girl, Boy Loses Girl, but Boy Finds Girl Again and Girl Turns Out to be a Killer Robot from the Future. These stories have been with us since the Ancient Greeks and probably earlier. As long as Robot Girlfriends are going back in time, we will have formulas.



I can understand how someone might get perturbed because they understand the formula enough to predict what is going to happen thus destroying any sense of tension and drama, but the criticism should not be leveled at the formula, but the execution of the formula. People know how Romeo and Juliet is going to end, but that doesn't stop them from watching it again with different actors. Don't blame the structure, blame the interpretation.

For someone who aspires to be a creative writer in the mediums of film and/or television, it is important not only to respect formulas, but to be able to interact with them and make them your own. Understand the rules of this particular universe and add variables that are uniquely your own.

Of course, all of the blog post up to this point is a ruse to trick everyone into hearing me talk about things I have written.

To become a television writer, you have to write scripts for existing shows and add them to your portfolio. This shows agents and people who might hire you that you have a fundamental understanding of the characters, the expectations, and the limitations of the show. In other words, you show how well do you use the formula.

Because I am bored a lot and because I daydream about being an underpaid and overworked television writer, I have written two such scripts for my portfolio, an Arrested Development script and an Office script. I shall now pitch you the scripts and you can determine how closely I was able to adhere to the formulas for each show.

If you are not familiar with the shows, this is going to sound like utter gobbeldygook. However, if you have seen these shows, imagine how these ideas fit in with a typical episode. And if you think I missed the mark, feel free to tell me how. I won't be getting a job in the entertainment industry any time soon, so telling me I don't have a future in Los Angeles will not hurt my feelings.

Arrested Development - Gob wants money so he can open a woman's clothing store named Perfectly Fit. The idea is that there is only one size of clothing available, and it is GOB's idea of what a perfectly fit woman's proportions should be. Michael misinterprets an overheard conversation and thinks George Michael wants to become a male model. Michael agrees to fund Gob's venture if he hires George Michael as a male model. Buster has an uncomfortable moment in a men's room which leads to him getting a stalker.



The Office - The Friday before Labor Day, Michael has accidentally approved vacation for everyone, giving everyone the office (except him and Dwight) a four-day weekend. No one is there to attend the Labor Day party Michael was planning (this year's theme - "Going into Labor"). So Michael and Dwight go from house to house, telling people to come back into the office and have some fun before they have their now three-day weekend. Stanley tries to have a barbecue.



So there you go. Formulas in action! Thank you for your time.

Facebook Shennanigans

This is an example of what happens when you are friends with your parents on Facebook.

This is Every Film Conversation I Have Ever Had with My Wife

Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.

The Secret of My Success

Microwave Etiquette

I work in a building that has roughly one microwave for every 60 or 70 people. And out of those 60 or 70 people, maybe 5 of them know how to use proper microwave etiquette.

So. As a public service. Here are some simple guidelines to follow. By doing so, the person behind you in line is not as likely to kill you.

1) When in doubt, use the Popcorn button.

Back in the day when people wrote Lean Cuisine instructions, microwaves looked like this:


Now they look like this:


Microwave programming technology has just exploded the last decade, going leaps and bounds past the Lean Cuisine cooking instruction technology. So when the Lean Cuisine cooking instructions tell you to microwave on HIGH for three minutes, it is quite possible to look on the microwave and not see a HIGH button and sometimes not even see a place to put in three minutes.

When this is the case, just hit the Popcorn button.

If you open up the microwave and the food is still cold, just press the Popcorn button again. That is why the Popcorn button is there, not to make popcorn, but to be the place where you go when you don't know what else to do.

2) Stopping the microwave 5 seconds before it is done DOES NOT HELP ANYONE.

When there is a line of people waiting and everyone is staring at the microwave clock, counting down along with the display, there is a lot of pressure and anticipation. I know all of this attention might make you think they all wish the microwave would just go ahead and beep so they could put their own food in it. And I know you might think stopping the microwave with five seconds left would make everyone sigh with relief, knowing that they will not get to eat five seconds quicker than before.

You would be wrong.

Watching the countdown is a group bonding experience. Everyone feels like it is New Years Eve, counting in unison from ten to one and ending in a satisfying beep. Stopping the microwave before this interrupts the flow and makes everyone a little dissatisfied with the entire microwave experience.

PLUS, it leaves the time on the microwave, so someone will have to clear out the old time before pressing the Popcorn button. So your lame-o attempt to save everyone five seconds results in creating a lot more than five seconds waiting time for the line.

So just don't do it.

3) If you have one of those meals that require you to stir and heat again, let people know this.

A lot of meals need to be tested or stirred before they can be eaten. If this is one of those meals (for example, if you are using the Popcorn button on a seven-layer lasagna and don't know if it will be done after one round of Popcorn buttoning or two), then let people how it is. No one will mind as much as they will mind hearing the satisfying beep thinking their food is going in next and then realizing that they have to wait one more Popcorn cycle before being able to heat their foods.



Don't toy with people's emotions like this.

4) Don't leave the microwave unattended until you have your hot food.

This goes for everyone - people at the microwave and people waiting in line. I know our lives are so incredibly busy we cannot wait in line for three cycles of Popcorn buttoning, but that is why you have a Blackberry or an iPhone. And if you don't have some sort of mobile device, then come with a book or a sudoku puzzle.


The trick is not to leave the line. The purpose of the line is to establish an order of people waiting for the microwave. If there is a cloud of people mingling around the microwaves, coming and going and hoping the microwaves will be magically available three to six minutes later, you are just living a fool's dream. And you will probably die in line for the microwave.

5) If you leave the microwave unattended, you lose your right to throw a hissy fit.



If your food is in the microwave and you walk away, only to come back later and find your food on the counter, cooled to the point where you have to microwave it again, you do not have the right to yell at the person using the microwave now. You do not have the right to cut in the line for the microwave just to reheat your food a little.

You only have the right to go to the end of the line and patiently wait your turn. You cannot complain. You cannot sigh heavily or roll your eyes. You have lost and have to restart.

Same goes for waiting in line. If you are waiting in line and leave for some reason, you do not magically get your place back in line. And don't ask someone to save your place in line. I know these are the general rules for lines - you can ask someone to save your place and you get cutsies if you need them. But we are talking about food, here. We are talking about LUNCH in the OFFICE. This is the only touch of joy some people get in their days, so respect that.

6) Make sure everyone is aware of the line.

When someone comes by on a cellphone and cuts in front of everyone else, pretending that he didn't see anyone because he is SO DAMN FOCUSED ON HIS CONVERSATION THAT HE DOESN'T NOTICE THE GROUP OF PEOPLE WAITING FOR THE MICROWAVE, violence is permissible. Sporks can cause some real damage if used properly.

Cellphones do not magically give people a pass on the rules of the line. And if someone is speaking loudly, this does not strengthen the magic cellphone bubble around that person - it just means the person is an insufferable jerk and nothing will penetrate their self-absorbed cloud of obnoxiousness except the pain brought on by a good spork to the face.



Because if that person was really all that important, that person would have an assistant or a catered lunch. That person would not need to be in line for the microwave.

7) Don't burn the popcorn.

Seriously, the Popcorn button works for a reason. Mucking with anything else is just asking for trouble. And burnt popcorn is a dang-nasty smell. No one likes smelling that, and you don't want to be known as the person who causes noxious fumes in the office.



Thank you for your time.

Fun Little Book for Film Obsessives

I am obsessed with movies. So when I read Zeroville by Steve Erikson and discovered within a few pages that the main character is obsessed with movies, I said, "Hey, this guy is like me." I then showed chunks of text to the Mrs. and she said, "That certainly sounds like you."

And then, about halfway through the book I realize that the main character is supposed to be emotionally disturbed on a deep, fundamental level. Ach.



I read to connect with other people. I am not good when I talk about the weather or how your kids are doing in school or about this darn economy. But get me talking about books or film or the ideas behind them and -WHOA NELLY- stand back because I won't shut up.

In January '08 I heard a Spout.com podcast from Karina Longworth about how she was visiting the Sundance film festival and realized the spirit of American Independent film was not on the screen as much as in a book she was reading in the hotel room at the end of the day.

I had to read that book.

Zeroville is a ready-made story for film obsessives. The main character is a film obsessive and the entire book is written with a series of oblique, unexplained references to film history and Hollywood lore. (Seriously, if you don't know the story about the film print of Carl Theodor Dreyer's The Passion of Joan of Arc, major plot points will be lost on you.)

Vikar, the main character shaves his head and tattoos Montgomery Clift on one half of his scalpand Elizabeth Taylor on the other half. He does this in honor of his favorite movie, A Place in the Sun. In one of the opening scenes, someone thinks the tattoos are of Nathalie Wood and James Dean, and that person gets beaten with a lunch tray because Rebel Without a Cause (Two-Disc Special Edition) is not a very good movie.

Then it gets stranger.

Vikar moves to Hollywood the weekend of the Manson murders and stays there into the 1980s. While there, he meets many different directors, editors, producers, and actors, some real, some fictional. Vikar gets involved with the film industry as works as an editor, not so much to create films but to feed his film obsession.

The book is about what it is to be obsessed with movies and what a beautiful yet horrible thing that can be. There are some scenes of frank violence interspersed between passages of very beautiful discussions of what makes art powerful.

If I were going to lob any complaints at the book, it would be that it falls into a few cutesy post-modern traps. The chapter numbers go up to a certain point, and then start descending. So you read Chapters 1 through 227 and then start reading from Chapter 227 back down to Chapter 1. And the ending of the book falls a little flat. But that is not what makes the book special.

What makes it special is that it articulates the joy, the passion, and a bit of the madness that it takes to be completely obsessed with movies.

In other words, I recommend this book.

Trailer to Make Up for the Last Post

As lame as that last post was, this trailer is the inverse proportion of awesome.

A Terrible Waste of Everyone's Time

I get a lot of bad ideas. Unlike most people, I nurture these bad ideas and then dump them on this blog.

I was up past midnight a few nights ago when a phenomenally bad idea struck me.

What if Rick Springfield was a Smurf?





In case you don't know, Rick Springfield is a musician primarily known for the rock anthem dedicated to envy and lust, "Jessie's Girl."

The Smurfs were a cartoon where each Smurf had a single defining characteristic which was part of his name (e.g. Brainy Smurf, Farmer Smurf, Hefty Smurf etc.). There was only one female Smurf (Smurfette) and she didn't date anyone because the other Smurfs got jealous.

So instead of being jealous of a relationship, Rick Springfield Smurf would have to be jealous of another Smurf. And, quite possibly, Rick Springfield Smurf would want to simultaneously want to love this Smurf and kill this Smurf and take his place.

And so Rick Springfield Smurf would write this song:

Jokey Smurf

By Rick Springfield Smurf



Jokey is a Smurf,
Yeah, you know he's been a good Smurf of mine.
But lately something's changed
That ain't hard to define
Jokey has an attitude that really should be mine.
And he's always got a surprise.
But is is really a bomb
I just know it.
And he never has a dark depressing night.

You know I wish that I was Jokey Smurf.
I wish that I was Jokey Smurf.
Why can't I be a Smurf like that?



I play along with the charade,
there doesn't seem to be a reason to change
You know, I feel so dirty
When he starts acting cute
I wanna secretly take his place,
But the point is probably moot
'Cos he's always got a surprise
But is is really a bomb
I just know it
And he never has a dark depressing night.

That Jokey Smurf,
I wish that I was Jokey Smurf.
Why can't I be a Smurf?
Why can't I be a Smurf like that?

And I'm lookin' in the mirror all the time,
Wondering what the Smurfs don't see in me
I've been funny,
I've been cool with the lines
Ain't that the way
Smurfs're supposed to be
Tell me, why can't I be a Smurf like that?

[Solo]

You know, I wish that I was Jokey Smurf,
I wish that I was Jokey Smurf
I hate Jokey Smurf,
Why can't I be a Smurf like that, like
Jokey Smurf,
I wish that I was Jokey Smurf,
I want,
I want Jokey Smurf.

Welcome to 2009!

So here we are at the first post of the new year. I don't normally make resolutions, but rather set goals for the year.

This year there are some pretty big things items on the agenda.

The first third of the year involves me finishing, publishing, and publicizing my book. I don't want to talk about it too much now, because everyone is going to be sick of hearing about it once the book is out. I wanted to have this out by Thanksgiving, but couldn't maintain a level of work/life balance to keep on schedule.

The second third of the year contains the possibility that I will be involved with founding and chairing a film festival. Details are sketchy at this time, and it may not happen, but still, it is an exciting opportunity.

The third chunk of this year will focus on more personal development. I intend to go back to school and begin a higer-level degree that should directly impact the big pile of awesomeness that is my career.

This year also marks the tenth year of dating my then girlfriend/now wife. Not quite sure how we will celebrate that milestone, but it should be special.

Of course, I state all of these plans knowing full well they could not happen or fail spectacularly. That is the frightening and wonderful thing about the future, who knows what will happen?

And, of course, I plan to lose 20 pounds, read more, and post more things to this blog. But I know that probably won't happen.

Merry Christmas 2008!

Every Christmas we write a Christmas letter and include it with our Christmas cards. Because there are so many people who only read the blog, I repost it here on Christmas Day.

This year, the Mrs. wrote the letter with very little input from me, and it shows. No spelling or grammar errors. No secret subliminal curse words. No photos of children crying.

We are going to be with family pretty much non-stop from Christmas Eve through New Year's Day, so there will be very little internet/blog time. After the first of the year, though, there may be some more. And possibly pictures.

Hope you have a Happy New Year. See you in 2009! Here is the letter:

Merry Christmas 2008!

Recently we wrote this letter from underneath the city’s annual coating of ice. We now pass it along to you, Internet Friend, even though it’s now considerably warmer.

It’s 25° (F) and sleeting outside. Traffic’s a mess. What better time to curl up with a warm laptop and let you know how much we are warmed by having you in our lives?

Now’s the part where we’re supposed to give you the readout of what happened this year. In the macrocosm, of course, it was a year a lot of people will want to forget. But in our own world, things went pretty well.

Big blessing of the year: RT didn’t have to travel except for fun. For a consultant in a we-all-travel-up-to-100% company, that’s amazing.

CT took 12 months off from boards, politics, volunteering, and zoning, in order to get some sleep. RT celebrated this by immediately getting onto the board of the Dallas Screenwriters Association, where he is beloved by his peers & works hard. CT goes to DSA meetings with him to practice her schmooze & gaze admiringly at RT. He had some scenes in the monthly DSA scene readings (if you’re in town on a Tuesday, give us a call). He’s also working on a book of screenplays, with the encouragment of his DSA friends. (For the backstory on this, visit RT’s “26 Films” blog at http://blog.26films.net .)

SALON continued! (www.invisiblemarketing.net/musicsalon) Hosted 2 jazz concerts (January and August), and wayyy back in February we had a lovely piano/oboe classical concert. Pleased that our little community of music appreciation continues to appreciate. Hoping to audition some new SALON musicians in 2009. Had trouble finding a home with a piano for a Nov/Dec SALON, but got to hear the musicians perform at a local Episcopal church instead. They were amazing.

This year was a pretty musical year. We renewed our subscription with the Dallas Opera (highlight of last season was Tosca; the best so far this season was probably Die Fledermaus). Interrupted by some sinus infections, CT began working with a Belorussian pianist (from Minsk!) on the Rachmaninov Vocalise and a song by Mike Capps called “Easter Wings” on text by George Herbert (http://www.ccel.org/h/herbert/temple/Easterwings.html ). Hopefully you’ll get to hear this stuff in 2009, either live or recorded.

RT also had a musical year. Within a few weeks of 2008’s advent, we owned Guitar Hero 1, Guitar Hero 2, AND Guitar Hero 3, with all the instruments and electronical accountrements appertaining thereunto. Our living room looks like a rock rehearsal. We added Rock Band 1 (without the drums) during the summer. He is quite the shredding axeman now. Everything from Stevie Ray Vaughan to Guns N Roses to Eric Clapton to Metallica pours out of our speakers. He jumps into the air while shredding and is more fun at parties than ever.

Other musical highlights: hearing Alison Krauss and Robert Plant live on tour. (Amazing show, very interesting musicians) And the Ft Worth Opera’s festival season: Turandot.

Travels took us to:
– Albuquerque and Santa Fe, NM for our 5th anniversary + catching up with Seretha/Stan & family
– Chicago, IL for Filmspotting meetup, Seattle for RT’s annual company holiday party
– Houston for time w/the Eppersons (now displaced by Hurricane Ike)
– Atlanta/north Georgia for a family reunion.
CT also went to San Diego, Las Vegas, and San Antonio for conferences.

Oh, and CT’s old trusty steed finally died at the ripe old age of 15 (~180,000 miles). Her Prius made its debut in our garage in October. It’s getting about 51.8 mpg, city and highway. Just in time for gas to go on sale for half price.

Please drop us a line and let us know what is going on with you as well.

In these volatile times, we wish you an energetic, healthy, blessed, and providential 2009.

More of us on the internet:

CT on Twitter: https://twitter.com/jucundi

CT on Delicious (fondly remembered as del.icio.us): http://delicious.com/InvMarketing/

The Passive-Aggressive Guide to Giving Christmas Gifts

Every holiday season, millions of people review their Christmas gift list and ask themselves, "Why am I getting THIS person a gift again?"


Our lives are filled with people that we don't really want to gifts to, but feel contractually obligated to do so. Maybe it is your least favorite niece or nephew who accidentally spilled Kool Aid on your beautiful leather couch. Maybe it is the co-worker you secretly don't like, but you're getting gifts for everyone on your team so you have to get a gift for this person, too. Maybe it is someone close to your significant other and you've never quite figured out what it is your S.O. sees in this person.

It doesn't matter; what matters is that you have to buy a gift for someone you don't particularly care for. It is a tough place to be, but this guide will help you find the perfect gift that is both passive and aggressive at the same time.

The main thing to do is to not think of gifts as objects - think of gifts as a message. A message that says, "I am supposed to like you and do something nice for you, but my heart is not really in it. So I am honoring the letter of this gift-giving law but not the spirit." There is a deep vein of tacky in everything about Christmas for this sole purpose. Tacky Christmas ornaments. Tacky Christmas clothing. In fact, Paul McCartney let the world know how much he passive-aggressively hates it by penning the worst song ever and then associating it with Christmas.

The key to being passive it to avoid the "watching with glee as the person opens the present" experience. You don't want to see the flash of disappointment as someone opens an ornate package only to find it contains tube socks. Well, maybe you do, but if this person also doesn't like you, the passive-aggressive gift might lead to a fight, and the whole point of being passive is that you want to avoid a fight while remaining as annoying as possible.

By hiding from the gift opening experience, it opens the door to writing the passive-aggressive note. The passive-aggressive note is a long-honored tradition by people who pride themselves on being "helpful" in quotes when everyone knows good and well they just want to be as grating on the nerves as possible.

Classic example - For Christmas, give a person a Diet Book with a sweet little note on the cover page that reads, "I know you have been struggling for some time, and I just wanted to help. Merry Christmas!"

This example accomplishes so many things at once:

• It takes on the veneer of being helpful.
• It is really snarky and more than a little insulting.
• It is personalized.

Personalized gifts are KEY to being passive-aggressive. Everyone gets tacky gifts from their passive-aggressive friends. But truly passive-aggressive people simply REGIFT the tacky present. The best way to block the regifting process on a hideous present is to personalize the hideous present.

For example, a Christmas sweater with a big goofy reindeer on it can always be re-wrapped and sent to your Uncle Murray next Christmas. HOWEVER, a Christmas sweater with a big goofy reindeer AND a monogrammed name of "Mitch" on it... Well, Mitch, you are stuck unless you have a kid with your same name and you want to punish the poor child.


Because children receive the most presents at Christmas time, they also receive the most passive-aggressive gifts. Ask any child how they feel about getting clothes for Christmas and you will hear a heartfelt tale of woe. It is possible to take passive-aggressiveness up a notch, however by giving children wonderful gifts that are sure to drive their parents insane.

For example, give the child a book of knock knock jokes. Or, better yet, give the child a set of drums. Or a collection of fun silly polka songs. The success of Barney the Dinosaur comes directly from passive-aggressive relatives giving presents to the children for the sole purpose of driving the parents beyond the border of nutsville.

In fact, a lot of industries are based on passive-aggressive gifts. The impulse buy aisle before every check out counter is a hotbed of passive-aggression. Nothing quite says, "I didn't think of you until the last minute, so here is a can of peppermint bark," than waiting until the last minute and buying a can of peppermint bark.

So there you go. Buy something crappy. Dress it up. Personalize it. Write a passive-aggressive note. And then run far, far away.

Merry Christmas!

Photographic Evidence of the Most Recent Post

Thanks to the diligence of my mother, who still has some of my artwork from first grade, the picture of me and the mop was discovered.



The photo is in bad shape with lots of scratches on it. I tried to tweak it a little so you can see all of the details. In this one, I lightened it so you could see the dress.



This one I darkened so you could see the detail of the line drawing on the face.


Yes. Dork runs deep in my blood.

How Legends are Made

I once told my Anonymous Male Cousin how the family legends grew around him. "When you were a kid, you did all sorts of cute-but-crazy stuff. You climbed up and subsequently fell off kitchen counters. You left the family Thanksgiving dinner, only to show up minutes later with your pants and underwear around your ankles, asking someone to help you snap up. You climbed out of your room window and ran away from the babysitter.

"Everyone told these stories about you. And when you grew up, people only told stories that aligned themselves with the earlier stories. No one knows you have a philosophy degree. No one knows how involved you were in student government. All we know is that you fell 50 ft. off the side of a mountain because you also fell off the kitchen counter tops when you were three. You already set up the legends that would define the rest of your life before you started kindergarten."


I say this because, in some real respects, he didn't know what he was doing when he was a kid starting family legends about him. Just like I had no idea what I was doing when I started a legend about myself.

Thanks to the power of Facebook, I am reconnecting with several people from my high school. And every once in awhile I get the same question. Sometime the person doesn't remember me very well, they can't quite place the face, but they remember the one big thing I did that no one else dared to do.

Sometimes I wish the questions were about other areas of my high school experience. "Aren't you the guy who placed second in the State Journalism Contest?" Or "Aren't you the guy who gave that speech at the National Honor Society where you said, 'No one wants to have good character because at an early age we are told good character comes from eating Brussels sprouts?'"

No. They all ask the same thing.

"Weren't you the guy who took a mop to prom?"

Yes. I took a mop to prom.


In keeping with a long personal tradition of putting faith into completely faithless women (a tradition shattered by my loving wife), I asked a young lady to prom. A young lady who promptly forgot about the commitment and made nebulous other plans for the same evening. And then this forgetful soul decided not to really communicate this forgetfulness to me until mere hours before I was to pick her up.

Left in the lurch like this, I did what any sane person would do. Put a dress on a mop and ask my brother to draw a face on a piece of paper that I could tape to the mop.

And then I went to prom, danced until my heart was content, and got my date home by 10.

One of the reasons we were home by 10 was because the two post-prom parties I had been invited to suddenly decided to un-invite me as soon as they saw my date for the evening. I mean, it is totally cool to dance next to a guy and his mop while "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" blasts in your ears, but to be seen with the same guy and his mop in a party afterwords... that crosses a line.

I know I am a strange guy. And I know it takes a lot of bravery to be friends with the strange guy, especially in high school. That night was one of the few times I have seen my strangeness outpace other people's bravery. I learned that people, even your close friends, can tolerate eccentricity up to a point and then after that, you are on your own. Like all lasting wisdom, this has helped me in the long run, but at the time... man, it hurt.

That night is a little bittersweet for me. I was handed lemons, made lemonade, and then came away from the experience feeling like I had been kicked in the teeth.

Until a few weeks after prom, when we had our senior assembly. All of the Seniors got to go to the auditorium and be entertained with a slideshow of our Senior year set to the timeless music of Garth Brooks. And there - smack dab in the middle of it all - was a picture of me dancing with a mop.


And the crowd cheered.

And the legend began.

Part of me wants to set the record straight - this was nothing more than a bold and audacious move by a lonely guy with nothing who couldn't catch a break on an important night.

But another part of me just wants to let the story stand as is - this one time, this dude took a mop to prom and it was totally awesome.

So, yeah, I did something legendary. And for the rest of my days, a certain group of people will know me only as That Guy Who Took a Mop to Prom. I don't mind. I'm just glad I didn't have to fall 50 ft. off the side of a mountain to get there.

Wedding Photos Scattered Along Garland Road

This is what I get for walking to Starbucks instead of driving like most people in Dallas.

When Someone Asks Me to Post, How Can I Refuse?

So Tera tagged me on her blog.



In case you don't want to read the picture, here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.

3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.

4. Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

At first, I did not know what to say. So much about me is completely normal, sane, and unremarkable in every way. But, you know, I was TAGGED with an internet thing, so I might as well give it the ol' college try.

1. In my notebook, I have about two pages of Facebook statuses I plan on using to entertain my Facebook friends. Examples of statuses I have used include, "M. Robert would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids," and "M. Robert is sponsored by viewers like you."

2. When I was younger, I thought skin color/race could be transferred from person to person. It wasn't until after I started kindergarten that I realized I would not eventually get to be a cute little African-American kid. And, yes, I was sad about this.

3. I have a Texas accent that comes out when I drink or when I pronounce the word "nuclear." And yes, I do pronounce it the same way W. does. I have worked on this, but to no avail. I totally recognize this makes me sound like an idiot.

4. I memorized every line of The Muppet Movie when I was younger and my brother and I would perform huge chunks of the film for anyone's amusement with each of us acting out all the parts. I could probably still do the Doc Hopper French Fried Frog Legs jingle if you asked me to do so now.

5. I have never worked in the food service industry. I have done just about everything else, including retail sales, janitorial services, professional writing, hospital work, crude Flash animation, training videos, and house painting, but not food service.

6. The first professional author I ever met was William H. Armstrong, the man who wrote Sounder. He signed my copy of Sounder and wrote a nice little note in it for me. I was in second grade and did not appreciate the experience until I was much older.

7. Whenever I get tagged or sent something I have to perpetuate, I break the chain. And, yes, I have done this to poor Tera before.

10 Ways for a Screenwriter to Procrastinate

Now comes the time of year when I double-dip. There are a lot of things going on right now - the end of the semester, the looming holiday, etc. And, as much as I hate to say it, this blog will be neglected like that irritating guy in the office probably was when he was a child.

With that in mind, I am placing on the blog an article written for another publication.

As some of you know, I am on the board of the Dallas Screenwriters Association. One of the benefits of being on the board is that I get to write an article for every DSA newsletter about whatever the heck I want to write about. So here is the article I am submitting. When it appears in the newsletter, it will be edited and refined into something sweet and dainty. But for now, I present it in the raw, crude form.

10 Ways for a Screenwriter to Procrastinate

The end of the year is a time to reflect on what you have accomplished and look forward to what you plan to do in the upcoming year. Being a writer, I tend to procrastinate more than the average person. But being a creative writer means that I can invent wild and wonderful ways to explain why my procrastination is really a productive use of my time. So instead of making a set of ten New Years resolutions, I am making a list of ten great ways to procrastinate.

1. Creative Screenwriting podcasts
Creative Screenwriting magazine is a great way to read interviews, script analysis, and industry news. The magazine also offers a series of downloadable audio interviews with prolific screenwriters like Charlie Kaufman, Paul Haggis, and the Coen Brothers. Senior Editor Jeff Goldsmith asks insightful, interesting, and entertaining questions.
http://creativescreenwritingmagazine.blogspot.com/

2. The Treatment Podcast / The Business Podcast / Martini Shot Podcast
KCRW is the Santa Monica-area public radio station, and they feature many radio shows (also available as free podcasts) that focus on the entertainment industry. While the radio station offers quite a bit, three shows in particular stand out head and shoulders above the rest.

The Treatment is a one-on-one conversation between host Elvis Mitchell and notable writers, directors, or actors.
http://www.kcrw.com/etc/programs/tt

The Business is a weekly summary of entertainment industry news as well as in-depth interviews on certain business aspects of the industry (for example, foreign sales, video on demand, etc.).
http://www.kcrw.com/etc/programs/tb

Martini Shot is a short, sweet, funny view of what it is like to be a working television comedy writer.
http://www.kcrw.com/etc/programs/ma

3. Self-reliant film / HD for Indies
For those of you who are passionate about digital film cameras and cinematography, or for those of you who want to your cinematographer about the latest tech toys, this is the website for you. Written by a group of working editors and cinematographers, it goes into great detail about the nuts and bolts of filmmaking. The Self-reliant film website focuses on all aspects of production from creation to distribution while the HD for Indies website focuses primarily on camera technology.
http://www.selfreliantfilm.com/
http://www.hdforindies.com/

4. Screenplays Wanted
While not updated nearly enough for my tastes, this is an aggregator blog for companies or organizations that are seeking open submissions for screenplays. Think of it as an open job board on the internet.
http://screenplayshollywood.blogspot.com/

5. LinkedIn
Part of being a writer is being a professional. And part of being a professional involves networking professionally. LinkedIn is a social networking website (like MySpace or Facebook) but it focuses strictly on business networking. Update your resume, connect with business partners, look for work, and recommend people with whom you have had positive working experiences on this website.
http://www.linkedin.com/

6. Trigger Street
Kevin Spacey’s pet website project is a place for people to upload their screenplays and have them evaluated by embittered, frustrated screenwriters. Ha! Just kidding. This website allows people to join, review screenplays, and upload their own screenplays for review. The advice is free, and sometimes is not the best quality. However, if a writer ever wants to go through an experience akin to getting notes from a studio, this is the place to go.
http://www.triggerstreet.com

7. By Ken Levine / Jane in Progress
Writers write, and some of them write blogs.
By Ken Levine is the blog of veteran television and comedy writer (as well as former DSA guest speaker) Ken Levine. Mr. Levine has written for such shows as M*A*S*H and Frasier.
http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/
Read about his trip to the DSA here:
http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/2007/08/live-large-think-big.html
Jane in Progress is the personal blog of Jane Espenson, former writer and producer of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and current staff writer for Battlestar Galactica. She has great advice about the craftsmanship of writing and she also lets you know what she had for lunch that day.
http://www.janeespenson.com/

8. The Simply Scripts website
This one is recommended with caution. Many of the scripts offered by the website are not scripts at all, but instead transcripts of the film (dialogue only, no stage directions). It also hosts a series of unproduced screenplays. However, if you sift through all of that, there are some legitimate screenplays available for download. If a writer uploads earlier, rejected draft on a personal website or if a studio releases copies of the screenplay to the public in hopes that it will generate Oscar buzz, the Simply Scripts website links to it.
http://www.simplyscripts.com/

9. The Graveyard Shift
For those of you who are fascinated by police dramas and police procedurals, this website, run by a retired police officer, gives insight into the details of what it is like to work on a police force. Learn about fingerprinting techniques and how CSI labs really work.
http://www.leelofland.com/wordpress

10. Hulu
Now that you have been productive on the internet for a few hours, take some time to watch some free television and film on the internet. Remember, when you watch six episodes of 30 Rock, it is not goofing off, it is research.
http://www.hulu.com/

How to Update Your Resume in One Easy Step

1) Make your resume look like this:



I found this great example of the perfect resume on the Found Magazine website.

A Complete Work of Fiction Not Based on Reality in Any Way Whatsoever

Welcome to Consultant! The exciting text-based interactive adventure where you are a consultant at a large corporation!

You are in YOUR CUBE.

You are basking in the warm glow of the Kick Off Meeting where everyone went around and introduced themselves and their teams. You are pumped and excited and ready for work!

You have 10 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.

> Send EMAIL to BUSINESS CONTACT

You type out an email explaining who you are and what INFORMATION you need to create your TPS REPORT. You hit SEND and the email goes to the BUSINESS CONTACT.

You hear the faint sound of crickets as you wait for a response.

You have 9 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.

> Go to BUSINESS CONTACT CUBE

You are in BUSINESS CONTACT CUBE.

The BUSINESS CONTACT is a gruff, busy person. “Why are you here? I don’t have time for you!” snaps the BUSINESS CONTACT. The BUSINESS CONTACT begins a long rant about how this company is going down the toilet, how they keep hiring unnecessary consultants, and how the BUSINESS CONTACT could probably do your job better than you.

You have 8 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.

> Ask for INFORMATION

“I don’t have time to give you INFORMATION!”

You have 7 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.

> Explain your VALUE

You begin to talk about what you bring to the table, your years of knowledge and experience, and how the BUSINESS CONTACT can use you to make the workplace a better place.

The BUSINESS CONTACT cuts you off. “If you want to really help me, you will get me some COFFEE.”

You now have an URGE TO THROTTLE.

You have 6 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.

> Suppress URGE

You take a deep breath and clench your teeth in a forced smile as you imagine horrible things involving grub worms and man-eating Gila monsters happening to the BUSINESS CONTACT.

The URGE TO THROTTLE fades…

You have 5 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.

> Go to BREAK AREA

You are in BREAK AREA.

The break area is a nondescript area with COFFEE and DONUTS. There is a SMARMY DEVELOPER here, scribbling notes on a notepad.

You have 4 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.

> Greet SMARMY DEVELOPER

You offer a hand in friendship to the SMARMY DEVELOPER. The SMARMY DEVELOPER doesn’t take your hand but instead eyes you up and down for a second, barely registering your presence. The SMARMY DEVELOPER begins to scribble on the notepad again.

You have 3 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.

> Explain your VALUE

You begin to talk about what you bring to the table, your years of knowledge and experience, and how the SMARMY DEVELOPER can use you to make the workplace a better place.

The SMARMY DEVELOPER doesn’t even look up from the notepad. “I could do anything you can do, and I could probably do it better. You probably don’t even know JAVA.”

You have 2 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.

> Explain your JAVA KNOWLEDGE

You explain that to make yourself more effective in the workplace, you took it on yourself to learn JAVA. You have even made a JAVA slideshow application for your grandmother so she can look at photos of all her family mixed in with photos of flowers, sunsets, and kittens. After impressing her with your extensive knowledge of JAVA, you are now her favorite grandchild.

The SMARMY DEVELOPER doesn’t even look up from the notepad. “I could do anything you can do, and I could probably do it better. You probably don’t even know C++.”

You have 1 turns before your TPS REPORT is due.

> Flatter the SMARMY DEVELOPER

You explain to the SMARMY DEVELOPER how you are new here and someone told you that the SMARMY DEVELOPER was by far the smartest, most insightful, and hardest working person in the organization. You go on to explain that you were told the SMARMY DEVELOPER is the only person in the entire company who could possibly help you in your predicament. The SMARMY DEVELOPER is the hero of the company and everyone knows it.

While you wax poetic about the SMARMY DEVELOPER, the SMARMY DEVELOPER sets down the notepad and nods in agreement with you. The SMARMY DEVELOPER looks pleased. “How may I help you?”

Your TPS REPORT is due!

> Ask SMARMY DEVELOPER for INFORMATION

“Oh, yes. The information for the TPS report. I am very familiar with that. It resides in the most obvious place. Directory M backslash qmv backslash cp001468 backslash Ricky backslash To do 020892 backslash Halloween pictures backslash TPS backslash INFORMATION. Frankly, I am surprised you did not find it on your own; it practically advertises itself.”

You begin to thank the SMARMY DEVELOPER and get interrupted. “You might not have security PERMISSION to access that server, though. You should probably talk to SURLY PROGRAMMER before you try to get the INFORMATION.”

You have 10 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

> Get COFFEE

You grab two coffees, one for yourself and one for the BUSINESS CONTACT.

You have 9 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

> Go to BUSINESS CONTACT CUBE

On the way to the cube, your SUPERVISOR stops you in the hall.

“Have you delivered the TPS REPORT already?”

You have 8 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

>Sing and dance for SUPERVISOR

In a remarkable feat of dexterity, especially considering you are holding two coffees, you begin to barrage the SUPERVISOR with industry buzzwords. “We’re on track synergizing our processes with a going forward attitude. It is practically money in the bank, holding our client’s hand and ensuring maximum profitability in a downturn market. It is win-win all the way. A-OK. ASAP. BYOB. RSVP.”

Your SUPERVISOR smiles and nods in approval, not realizing that you have avoided answering the question.

“Carry on.”

You have 7 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

> Go to BUSINESS CONTACT CUBE

You are in BUSINESS CONTACT CUBE.

The BUSINESS CONTACT snatches the COFFEE from you and makes a joke about always wanting to have an Administrative Assistant. The BUSINESS CONTACT starts to make more jokes about having you wash cars and handle dry cleaning while you are fetching COFFEE.

You now have an URGE TO THROTTLE.

You have 6 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

> Go to SURLY PROGRAMMER CUBE

You are in SURLY PROGRAMMER CUBE

The smell of stale potato chips permeates the air. The SURLY PROGRAMMER hunches over a keyboard, typing away, only acknowledging your presence with a small grunt.

You have an URGE TO THROTTLE.

You have 5 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

> Ask SURLY PROGRAMMER for PERMISSION

You explain how you need INFORMATION for your TPS REPORT and the INFORMATION only resides on a server that you do not have PERMISSION to access.

The SURLY PROGRAMMER sighs heavily and keeps typing. The SURLY PROGRAMMER nods towards a towering stack of FORMS.

“You need to complete all of those FORMS and get APPROVAL from a DIRECTOR. When the FORMS are returned to me, you will get permission in six to eight weeks.”

You have an URGE TO THROTTLE.

You have 4 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

> Threaten SURLY PROGRAMMER

You huff and puff and invoke the name of the BUSINESS OWNER and the DIRECTOR as you explain how your assignment is mission critical and if SURLY PROGRAMMER wants to put a SURLY CAREER on the line by stopping you for doing what you do best, then go right ahead. You will make sure everyone in the company knows SURLY PROGRAMMER is fully responsible for everything falling apart. After you are finished there will be a long line of people in SURLY PROGRAMMER CUBE asking for PERMISSION.

The SURLY PROGRAMMER pouts slightly, but with two deft keystrokes gives you PERMISSION.

As a show of gratitude, you promise the SURLY PROGRAMMER a DONUT.

The URGE TO THROTTLE fades…

You have 3 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

> Go to YOUR CUBE

You are in YOUR CUBE.

Before you is your computer. You click a few keys and realize you have PERMISSION to INFORMATION.

You have 2 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

> Create TPS REPORT

You mind relaxes in a moment of sweet bliss as you crunch numbers, create graphs, and ensure that all the document formatting is correct. You quickly Save and Print the document.

You have a TPS REPORT.

You have 1 turns before anyone realizes your TPS REPORT is overdue.

>Go to MEETING

You are in MEETING

The BUSINESS OWNERS and EXECUTIVES and SUPERVISORS and STAKEHOLDERS are in the meeting. Your BUSINESS CONTACT is about to present the findings from the TPS REPORT.

“Where is that TPS Report?”

>Hand TPS REPORT to BUSINESS CONTACT

You offer the TPS REPORT to the BUSINESS CONTACT. The BUSINESS CONTACT takes it and makes a joke about how good help is hard to find. Everyone laughs.

You now have an URGE TO THROTTLE.

> Suppress URGE

Congratulations! You have successfully survived 23 turns as a consultant! Your score ranks you as – TEAM LEAD. Try playing again for a higher level!

Statute of Limitations Has Passed

Sometimes there are stories you take to the grave. Sometimes there are stories you wait almost twenty years to tell. That way the parties involved are either dead or retired. I say this because this entry is a big tattle on my high school guidance counselor. Dude, you better be retired, that is all I'm gonna say.

I am not a fan of educational bureaucracy, and mandatory counseling sessions are one of the worst things I have to suffer through. I am one of those people who already knows what he wants and tries to work towards it. In fact, most of my clashes in college happened when I knew what I wanted, and my academic advisers instead encouraged me to goof off and find myself (another blog entry in the making).

However, I was not always this way. The big "moment of not knowing what I was going to do" that happened in my life occurred in my junior/senior year of high school. Choosing a college and a subsequent career was beyond my little pea-pie head. I liked learning, but I only had a vague idea of how to turn the talents I had into a way that could generate lots of money, fame, and power.

After taking the SAT, I started receiving all sorts of college recruitment packages. This was absolutely awesome, until I looked at how much it cost.

I did not have any money when I graduated high school (thank you, Billy Joel for making such awesome music that I spent all my money on you). I wanted to get all sorts of grants and scholarships, but didn't know exactly how to get my hands on all of that filthy lucre.

My only option was to... talk to the counselor.

"I don't know what school I should go to. And I'm broke. I don't know what to do..."

"You have a girlfriend?"

"No."

"Well, get a girlfriend. Girlfriends do wonderful things."

"Um... yeah... I was thinking of going to Brown."

"Why Brown?"

"I don't know. I read a book where one of the characters graduated from Brown. It was a good book."

"Two years ago I had a student go to Brown and take the campus tour. He came back to me and you know what he said?"

"What?"

"Ugliest. Women. Ever."

"Ok. I was also thinking of one of the Ivy League schools. Like Columbia or something in Boston."

"There are a lot of ugly girls in the Northeast, you know that?"

"I didn't."

"Well, there are. Hideous. Ones you tell your buddies 'thank heavens she has a good personality.' What you need to do is focus on one of the state schools. UT. North Texas. A&M. There are some beautiful looking women on those campuses."

"I see."

"So. That's all I've got. Go to a state school. Get yourself a beautiful girlfriend. We good?"

"I guess so."

"We good?"

"We good."

"Ok, then."

Forcing Culture on People Not Quite Ready for It

So this weekend the Mrs. and I started off our opera season tickets with a traditional staging of The Marriage of Figaro.

The Marriage of Figaro is a pretty funny opera about everyone trying to sleep with everyone else, and everyone getting jealous because they secretly suspect everyone is actually sleeping with everyone else.

There is a bunch of nonsense about Prima Nocte, aka the Lord of the Manor getting to sleep with his servant's wives on their wedding night (portrayed in a very unfunny manner in Braveheart as well as in the life of Genghis Kahn). Anyway, this is a very serious and horrible thing that happened throughout Western Civilization, but when Mozart handles it, it proves to be pretty funny.

Plus there is this almost-incest plot point that is very funny when you watch it, but really frightening when you try to describe it to people later on in your blog. So I shall not mention it.

Anyhoo, at our opera there was, I kid you not, a Girl Scout troop going on a field trip to the opera. And during the three intermissions, the Troop leaders had the uncomfortable job of explaining to the young ladies the great culture they just witnessed.

Being the horrible eavesdropper I am, I kept sneaking out to listen to conversations like this.

"Why did his mom want to marry him?"

"Oh, she didn't really want to marry him."

"But-"

"Weren't the dresses beautiful? And when she sang that song, wasn't her voice pretty?"

"But what about the mom-"

"It was all a big misunderstanding. And that is why some people laughed."

"I don't understa-"

"I think the dresses in the next act will be even prettier. Don't you think?"

"I guess."

Normally, this is where I butt in and set the record straight, but the poor troop leader was having enough problems without me providing an interpretation of the performance that did not focus on costume design.

Ah, Western Civilization, you have presented yet another great challenge to future generations. Thank heavens we weren't watching Lucia di Lammermoor which features people hanging their... ah... reddish-stained bedsheets outside their windows on their wedding nights, proving that the young lady was indeed virginal. I would hate to explain that great cultural milestone to a group of underage girls. ("Wasn't her bloody dress... pretty?")

For more about the rich cultural heritage of Prima Nocte you can read about it here.

Or listen to this: