Wednesday, May 30, 2007

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

An Essay by M. Robert Turnage

When you are younger, summer vacation is a great oasis of sloth. When you are a grown up summer vacation lasts only a week and usually involves catching up on all the errands you have been putting off for the past three years.

Last week, I went with the family to the Oregon coast, and catching up with the family is an errand I have been putting off for the past three years.

There were six of us in all - both of the Folks, my brother, Will (aka Wubbahed aka Williepie), his lovely wife, Kat (aka Katpie), and my lovely wife, Mrs. Wonderifical-Turnage.

Why the Oregon coast?

Well, how about this:

Oregon

Or this:

Oregon

Or this:

Oregon

It was mad glorious beautiful everywhere, even though the fishing docks smelled like… fishing docks.

On our first day there, we looked out window of our room and saw a pirate ship.

Pirate Ship

I have no idea if the boat was out there promoting a movie or not, but if the movie had adult content in it, it would have to be rated “Arrrrrrrr!”

We went on a lot of hiking trails. On one of them, my brother tried to take a picture of this ugly plant with his extremely cool Nokia N95. “I’m trying to get my macro settings to work.” With a casual, “Oh, you mean like this?” I turned on my camera’s macro settings and took this picture.

UglyMacroPlant

We went out in a boat for some whale watching. Whale watching is really fun, but not the best thing in the world to photograph. Whales move fast and you can’t really predict where they will come up. Plus, the pictures don’t capture the motion, noise, and sheer excitement of a whale going, “PSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Whale

Here is a great picture of the back of my Mom’s hair in crystal clear focus, while the mighty gray whale is blurry in the background. Truly, I have missed my calling as a professional photographer. Mall Santas everywhere are weeping.

Whale

Here is a sea lion on a buoy.

SeaLion

We went to the aquarium, which was fun, but most of the animals living there came from the harbor that was all of ¼ mile away. So we paid money to see the same sea lions that were sunning on the rocks just outside the aquarium.

Sea Lion

Having said that, the sea lions were pretty cool. So were the sea otters.

Sea Otter

They also had a Giant Squid-o-Meter. It looks like six of me would equal one giant squid.

Squid-o-meter

While at the same time, it would take eight of my lovely wife to make one giant squid.

Squid-o-meter

Sadly, during our aquarium tour the disembodied shark teeth ate my brother’s hand. While posing for this picture, other aquarium patrons just laughed and laughed at his misery.

SharkBite

Here is the jigsaw puzzle I finished. Sure, Mom, and Williepie did the borders and large chunks of the image, but I put in the final piece. So, technically, I finished the puzzle.

Puzzle I Finished

My brother accidentally left his extremely cool Nokia N95 sitting around, making it very easy for me to pick up.

Playin wit yo Nokia N95

It is a great little phone. In the short time I handled it, I was able to send a high-priority text message to everyone in his address book. The text message? “From now on, please do not call me Williepie – CALL ME SILLIEPIE!”

His boss seemed to appreciate it most of all.

Love at First Sight

Their big googly eyes met from across the room. With the rich smell of butter sauce in the air, they took tentative sideways-steps towards each other. Love at first sight was never this tasty.

Love at First Sight

Someone told me that the calories you consume on vacation do not count. Good Lord, I hope so.

Just Desserts

Somewhere in there, I drank beer from the local brewery as well as a nice little concoction called Moose Drool. It tasted better than it sounds.

In conclusion, I like vacations.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

This is a Million Times Better Than Those "Peeing on a Ford" Stickers

When You Talk to Me and Say Something Clever, Chances are It Will Eventually Wind up in the Blog

Me: I know I come across as crabby and opinionated, but I really don't want to offend people. So, could you answer a question for me? What is the right way to refer to you? Should I use "black" or "African-American?"

Friend: I prefer to be called Larry.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Surprisingly Good Criticism from Slamdance

Several months ago, I wrote a short film screenplay, that I happened to like. I entered it in a few contests and got bummed out because it didn't even place.

So I submitted the almost very same short film screenplay (except I changed the "Working" in the title to the folksier "Workin'") to the Slamdance Film Festival and paid the extra few dollars for some feedback. I consider it money well spent. The reviewer even quoted Thoreau, which is always a plus.

I like this feedback so much, I don't mind so much if the script doesn't win, place or show. There are always more scripts and more contests.

So... here is the screenplay.

And here is the feedback:

Slamdance Screenplay Competition
Coverage for Workin' Girl (Reader #55031)
Evaluation:

Melissa is a struggling actress who works as a waitress to pay the bills. The first act (pages 1 - 5) essentially works at developing her character and does so efficiently. The first conflict arrises when her boss gives her a double shift and she must A) convince him to let her out B) make the audition with the time given her. It's a race against the clock and because of the earlier character build up showing just how much she wants to act, the tension is palpable. Act two is the audition. Melissa sees a coworker there - a young ditz with little passion or respect for the craft. That she has no talent as an actress will, ironically, be dependant on the performance of the young woman who plays the character. Following the audition, Shannon gives Melissa a ride back to work. Act three is the reveal: Melissa got a role! But not the one she wanted. That went to Shannon and so stamps the film with the old addage: "Nobody said life is fair." It's not, clearly. Here lies the largest conflict for the main character: give in or keep trying? Thankfully Melissa keeps trying, but in such a way that we are never told explicitly that things will be okay, but rather a message is hinted that the true value contained in life is not the achievement but the trying. Ultimately, this provides a beautiful end to an deftly handled but otherwise traditional story.

What works:

The writer is to be congratulated in the way by which they reveal the character of Melissa in the opening act. Little things like the different accent for each table and the "campaign" for more hours are good ways of illustrating her as hard working, creative, and in need of money. She say a lot without saying a lot, which is one of the primary rules of good writing and the author does that exceptionally well here. The End: This isn't the first script written about a struggling actor, nor will it be the last. What sets this one apart from the bunch is not just the lack of happy ending / resolution, but the characters heartwarming desire to push on. It's a banner for hardwork and optimism which can come across as sentimental and "light" if done poorly, but can also come across as inspirational and real, when done well, as it is done here.

What doesn't work:
Something abstract and something simple. Your biggest issue lies with originality. That isn't to say that this is not a unique piece of writing. It is. But it retains the frame work of the traditional "struggling actor story." Luckily your characters excede this limitation, but the confines of a 10 page script still hold them back. Consider a wider scope in a future draft. There are a few instances where the author allows potential plot twists and turns to go unrealized. It's not something that is done wrong per se, just something which could be done better. The piece is extremely tight, but in some instances that actually works against you. As an experiment, consider everything that could possibly go wrong in Melissa's day and write that in. The boss says No. The scooter gets a flat, runs out of gas. She leaves her makeup behind. Arrives late. Wrong building etc. Etc. You provide plenty of internal hurdles for the character, now provide a few more external ones.

How it can be improved:

The most basic element is originality. Of course, every story has been told before so you're not likely to write something entirely new. However, the script as it is has enough going for it that it could stand to benefit from a longer draft with a deeper more personal exploration of the characters. Not to get too academic here, but Henry David Thoreau said something once that I (if I may use the singular) always liked: "...for if he has lived sincerely, it must have been in a distant land to me." In other words, the author in encouraged to allow themselves the time and leeway to make a fully personal realization of the character which have up until now been sketched in compelling but still broad outlines. You may perhaps do a rewrite of it in a pilot format (roughly 30 pages). As it is and with the ending you've allowed, it may make for an interesting TV show. Also, a small thing: you may consider using the second shift as a more dynamic hurdle to be overcome. Some maneuvering and scheming might add to the sense of urgency and keep the audience on their seat for just those extra few minutes.

Next step:
This reader's reccomendation: do a rewrite as a thirty page pilot. This is much more likely to be noticed as a TV show than as a short.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

In Defense of Film Snobbery

Background information:

Balding Angrily Alex
recently wrote a typo-laden article for the Filmspotting newsletter, The Dope Sheet.

Normally, this would not be cause for alarm, except for the fact that he came out and called me a Film Snob. And just recently, MichaelVox on the Cinebanter podcast (Show # 26 to be exact) ALSO called me a Film Snob.

Personally, I don't think anyone with Xanadu in his film collection qualifies as an out-and-out Film Snob.

However, seeing how the gauntlet was thrown down at my feet (or, more accurately, directly at my face), I decided to write a rebuttal.

It appears in this week's edition of The Dope Sheet.

And I share it with you here.

The Joys of Film Snobbery


Film Snobs get a bad rap. We are the people who drone on and on about lighting and symbolism, often using words like "droll." We berate you for laughing at Will Ferrell; we peer down our nose at you when Tom Hanks is mentioned; and we only like directors whose names you can't pronounce. We suck all the joy out of your love of movies. We are the proverbial downers.

What gives? The best way to describe the Film Snob situation is to liken it to the great con game we call golf. No one likes golf; it is a terrible affront to all things living. It barely qualifies as a sport. But to point out the obvious is to confess that you don't know "the secret handshake of the rich and powerful." That's right. By perpetuating the myth that golf is vaguely interesting -- maybe even going as far as to say that golf makes your toes tingle -- there is a good chance you will get invited to a Country Club. Country Clubs are incredible places where food is plentiful and the rich and beautiful just lounge around, looking for someone to financially subsidize and/or marry. All you have to do to be a part of this exclusive club is to rhapsodize for at least 20 minutes about your grip and the power of your backswing.

Film Snobbery is a secret handshake in the film community. When you are a Film Snob, doors open up to you, allowing you into a cinematic Country Club. Directors mention you on their commentary tracks. Movie marketing reps send you to test screenings. People you don't know shovel piles of DVDs into your car, whispering things like, "I think you'll like these Asian imports. They're very symbolic."

"Very symbolic" is Film Snob code word for "lots of boobies and swears." In fact, 99.9% of all of the high-minded Film Snobbery jargon roughly translates to "lots of boobies and swears." "Boy, that actress gave a brave performance," means, "that movie has lots of boobies and swears." So does, "She is willing to go to a dark place." Seriously, next time you hear a Film Snob say, "I really enjoyed the cinematography," what the Film Snob means is "Dude, there were a lot of boobies and swears."

But how will your social standing be if you used the words "boobies and swears" all the time? As in, "Hey, let's all go out to the theater and check out a long series of boobies and swears? It'll be fun!" That may fly in various fraternity houses, but the real world is a little trickier.

So a Film Snob lexicon was developed. Please allow me to demonstrate how it works.

One time, I wanted to see "Species," a movie that practically guaranteed to be chock full of boobies and swears. My girlfriend-at-the-time told me no way, that we shouldn't see it because it (and I quote) "looks stupid."

"Oh no. It is really a feminist treatise on the plight of the female identity in a contemporary society. The alien monster protagonist is the personification of a cultural anxiety that results in a conflict between societal pressures and a genetic determinism that forces women into dual-yet-conflicting roles of both mother and sex object. The monster-movie veneer is simply to trick the populace into consuming these culturally-challenging and cutting edge ideas. It is very deep and has a rich subtext. I understand Natasha Henstridge gives a very brave performance throughout the film. She is an actress willing to take it to a dark place."

After the movie, she was livid. "What do you mean 'feminist treatise'? It was nothing but a bunch of boobies and swears!"

"You have got to be kidding me??!!! There was a rich subtext to it. Didn't you notice the cinematography? They were ON A TRAIN for cryin' out loud! It was symbolism!"

At that moment, one-half of a nearby couple pointed to me and went, "See honey! He saw the symbolism, too! You can't tell me there wasn't any!" Yes, it was another Film Snob.

Like wild loons responding to a mating call, the Film Snob and I quickly huddled together, sharing innermost thoughts about brave actresses willing to go to a dark place. By the end of our Film Snob conversation, I had a handful of free movie passes, a stack of import Asian DVDs, and a book-length essay by Lars von Trier about the sheer drollness of Meg Ryan.

Truly, that was one of the best nights of my life. The only thing that could have made it better was if I had a chance to talk about my backswing. Maybe then I would have been invited to the Country Club.

If Somehow I Could Use Skills Like These On The Job

Thursday, May 03, 2007

I Promise I'm Working on More Blog Posts

Until I actually have a presentable blog post, here is a little song:

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The Worst Song I Have Ever Heard

I first heard this song on episode 301 of Coverville and was happy to see it turn up on the music blog Loudersoft.

Because bleeding ears need good company, I now present ODB and Macy Gray singing "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart."

You've been warned.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Back to Reality

For the unsuspecting, the previous blog entry came from Alex at Balding Angrily. He is doing amazing and fun things with his blog by having blog swaps with various people. If you would like to read my entry on his blog, it is here.

For those of you who read the Christmas letter, you know we are doing home repairs and sprucing up our house for sale. This is proving to be a much bigger project than we originally thought. Not to mention the fact that I spent a few months on the road for work, and managed to get precious little done from 2000 miles away.

We are making headway, moving things into storage and finding places to stash our stuff. Some neighbors will now have (for a few months, at least) a piano to for their daughter to learn music on. I asked one of my friends if he would not mind holding onto my wine refrigerator (and the wine therein) as well as my surround sound system while we allow all prospective buyers to tromp over shiny new hardwoods. My friend responded with a hearty, "Heck yeah! That is what friends are for."

While we are packing up stuff and moving it out, I am putting a few of my books on eBay. Most of them (ok, all of them) are old comics, but I did happen onto one art/photography book from Dave McKean that someone else is selling on eBay for $125.00. That surprised me, but when I remembered that there were only 3,000 in existence and that that Dave McKean has gone on from doing photography and art exhibit books to directing movies like MirrorMask, it made more sense. Maybe someone wouldn't mind paying the low low price of $99.99 for such a book if it came from me.

Anyway, here are the listings. If you live in the Dallas area, I don't mind meeting you and waiving the shipping fees.

Also, I Have a Giant Blue Bull Named Babe

The first thing you need to know about me and my brother when reading this story is that we put the “wuh” in “wacky.” We see an opportunity for a prank, and we commit to it. We do not divert. We do not swerve. We do not detour. We head down that Great Road of Prank full throttle, potholes be damned.

My brother and I met in New Orleans for a connecting flight to Atlanta for DragonCon ComicCON. One would think that it would be easy enough to find a direct flight from Dallas to Atlanta, but Southwest Airlines only flies out of Love Field. If you know Texas, you know that The Wright Amendment is the biggest piece of bullshit legislation next to the misnamed Defense of Marriage Act. But I digress.

My flight getting into New Orleans was delayed, so I had to run through the airport to make the flight. Wubba was already on the plane. I picked up a lunch of cold-cuts, brie, fois gras, pistachios, croissants, and hand-churned butter imported from Sweden and packed in into a cooler that I proceeded to swing hither-and-thither through the concourse as I ran. (I may have knocked over a book display at a newsstand, but I won’t admit it.)(I will admit to hitting a pug in a baby carriage with a bow on its head only because that’s just sick.)

(If you’re asking, “How did a pug get in the concourse?” this was before 9-11 when they let concealed Molotov cocktails and semi-automatic weapons on the concourse.)

(Okay, I lied about the pug, but wouldn’t it have been funny if that had happened?)(No, not "funny-ha-ha,” but "funny-seriously-Robert-get-on-with-the-story”-funny.)

(I’ve always wanted to say “semi-automatic weapon.” Thank you, internet.)

(And I’ll get back to the story when I’m good-and-ready.)

(Jerk.)

I arrived at the gate just as they were closing the concourse door in clichéd fashion, and begged the gate-keeper let me on the flight. She or he did, and as I was getting on the plane, holding aloft my cooler of foodstuffs so as not to hit the blue-hair with the weathered face sitting in first class, Wubba saw me and yelled, “Dr. Turnage! Thank Mary and Holy Joseph you made it with the heart!” The flight attendant asked me if I really was a doctor, adding that they’re usually informed when a transplant organ was going to be on board; apparently, they have a special fridge up front that they store the hearts in.

Somehow I convinced her that I was indeed a doctor. (Again - pre-9/11.)

Twenty minutes into the flight, a passenger ten rows up from us started going into cardiac arrest. The flight attendant that I duped before asked if I could do anything for the passenger, so I went up to talk to the passenger. (Remember - Wacky. And. Committed.)

The passenger was red and sweating. I pounded on his chest, and I blew into his mouth. I grabbed the nearest box-cutter, ripped open his shirt, and made an incision vertically down the center of his ribs. I took the bone-saw I happened to have with me and cracked his ribs. I reached into his chest and massaged his heart. He had already fainted from the intense pain. The passengers around us were drenched in his blood. Pieces of bone and flesh dripped from the fresh-air valves above the seats.

His heart stopped beating. I yelled to the flight attendant who had become my makeshift surgical assistant, “Get my cooler. Now! Whore!” I added the “whore” because I felt that Dr. Turnage, the character I had assumed, would be the kind of guy that would throw out wild, unsubstantiated claims about another person’s dirty sex life. “This man needs a new heart!” I would find out later that the heart had stopped beating because he had bled out.

I opened up the cooler only to remember that I wasn’t REALLY a surgeon, and that the cooler didn’t really have a heart in it. I cut out his heart with the box cutter. I opened up my container of fois gras, and just kind of shoved it into his chest. Then I sprinkled the pistachios on top. No one was questioning my obvious authority because earlier I had shot everyone’s eyes out with my concealed Molotov cocktail. Because the brie wasn’t going to be any good without the fois gras, I threw that in his chest also.

I cracked his chest back together, and sewed it up with shoestring. Lucky for me, the plane crashed in a fiery ball leaving my brother and me the only survivors, so no one found out about our little prank.

Pure wackiness.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Where I will Be This Saturday

Hello all. You have registered for La Reunion Workshop at the MAC!

Please be there at 10:45 AM to check in and get a good seat. The
workshop will last until 5 PM. Presenters are professionals in their
field and a wonderful cross-pollination of ideas and techniques will be
presented between scriptwriting for comic books, film, and plays.

Lunch will be provided by Tin Star, and I have ordered vegetarian,
chicken, and beef options as well as chips and salsa.

After the workshop, there will be an evening get-together at the
fabulous Belmont Hotel located in Oak Cliff. Directions to the Belmont
will be available in the workshop program. We will have poolside
access and a gorgeous view of downtown Dallas to reflect on the day
and have post-workshop conversation. This will be from 7 PM to 9:30
PM.

Please don't hesitate to let David Hopkins or me know if you have any
questions about the workshop or post workshop reception. We look
forward to meeting you all and having a great time on Saturday.

sarah jane semrad
executive director
www.LaReunionTX.org

I don't have a HDTV, but yet I desire a HD Camcorder

Kurt Vonnegut 1922 - 2007

Kurt Vonnegut passed away.

I have a million stories about how I've loved his work (two favorite novels - Cat's Cradle and Galapagos), but the one I feel like sharing is more about his fans.

Back when I frequented bars and ordered vodka martinis, I happened to be at a bar and I happened to order a vodka martini.

When the bartender handed it to me, he said, "Breakfast of Champions."

To which I responded, "Kilgore Trout is on the loose again." Then I doodled an asterisk on a napkin and held it up.

The bartender said, "I've been tending bar for 20 years and you are the first person who got the reference." The rest of the drinks that evening were free.

Kurt Vonnegut inspired his readers. He got them thinking in ways they hadn't thought before and he got them willing to talk about things they normally wouldn't talk about. Every Vonnegut fan I have met has been thoughtful, interesting, and good to be around.

Despite his cynicism, he brought out the best in his fellow man.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

This American Life Story Idea

Last night my wife and I attended a sneak preview screening of Hot Fuzz. Our local free weekly newspaper gave out free passes, and somehow I got my hands on one.

I have not trolled for free passes in a long time, and being in a crowd of free pass junkies reminded me of a This American Life story idea I’ve had for a few years now.

Every week, the local weekly newspaper has a series of ads telling you how to get free movie passes. Go to such-and-such used book store at 10 am to get passes to one movie, go to this-and-that nail salon at noon to get more passes.

There are people who hit all of these places in search of free entertainment. Lines usually begin a few hours before the passes are offered, and people have nothing to do but stand there and make small talk.

There is sort of an uneasy camaraderie – the people in line don’t want to give out personal information about each other (seriously, would you want someone standing in line for free passes to Grindhouse know where you live and work?), but they all have this urge to talk… to talk about movies.

Some of the strangest movie conversations I’ve ever had I had when waiting in line for free passes and then waiting in line again to get into the first-come-first-served sneak preview screening.

If they were going to make a movie out of your life, who would you want to play you?

Which biopic would you like to see the most?

If you were going to make the highest grossing film of all time, what would it be?

My favorite answers to that last question include:

“Something with space and girls in it. Something like Earth Girls are Easy II: Even Easier”

“Something with a yodeling, baseball playing bear in it.”

“I have no idea, but it stars Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, and Wilford Brimley as the Spirit of Christmas.”

[Cue guitar music.]

Hollywood Pitch Fest II: The Sequel

Click Here for the First Hollywood Pitch Fest

“Imagine a black Wall Street executive. A Will Smith/Martin Lawrence/Jamie Foxx/Bernie Mac/Chris Rock/Eddie Murphy type. He is at the top of his game. He’s made it to the big time, but he’s still street.”

“He can command a board room, but still has a little hustle in him.”

“Exactly. He’s a career guy on his way up the corporate ladder. But then his company decides to open a branch office in Indiana and they decide he should head up this project.”

“Why would they want to open an office in Indiana?”

“I don’t know. Tax loophole or something. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that he gets transferred out to the country, where his fast-paced jive talkin’ city ways go up against the slow paced small town feel of the state.”

“A fish out of water story.”

“Right. But only for him. Because his wife and kids - they love the place! His wife becomes the head of some ladies social group. His son becomes a star basketball player. His daughter starts dating one of the most popular kids in school.”

“And it all drives him crazy.”

“Hilarity ensues. HIL. AR. IT. Y! It practically writes itself. And the best part is the name – Hoosier Daddy!??!”

“I smell box office.”

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

How a Religious Outlook Makes You a Crabby Moviegoer

When discussing one of the many things that went wrong in The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, director Terry Gilliam explains one of the problems in religious terms – one of his assistant directors had a “Catholic” management style, while Gilliam had a more “Protestant” management style. Where Gilliam liked the give and take of ideas, of people challenging authority, and everyone working together out of a common goal, the assistant director liked blind obedience, no back talk, and everyone working together towards a singular vision that happened to be his.

Needless to say conflict arose. Can you imagine the situation – the boss asks you for your ten best ideas and his assistant humiliates you for sharing them?

I have a friend who blogs about his occasional struggles with atheism. He is an atheist/agnostic, but feels occasional pangs of guilt that he attributes to his Catholic upbringing. In one of our email exchanges, I talked about how, being raised Protestant (and Texan) makes me very reluctant to submit to any received authority (like the type commonly associated with Catholicism) without at least a little bit of questioning/testing of the boundaries, and if I were raised in an environment of, “don’t question, just obey” I, too, might routinely struggle with the whole idea of God. (When I say Catholicism, I really mean acting superstitiously or only from knowledge from authority. Superstition is not limited to one set of beliefs.)

I also pointed out that my “Protestant” attitude aligns nicely with a rich Judaic tradition of arguing with anything that will stand still long enough. I pointed out several examples in the Old Testament where God tells a prophet or a leader to do His Will and the person responds with an, “Aw, come on. Get real.” And sometimes, this person even wrestles with God.

Then I related this attitude to my inclination to challenge my waiter every time he tells me, “Careful, hot plate.”

“Oh, I’ll be the one who decides how hot it is.”

This rambling preamble is to establish why I absolutely loathed one of the most critically acclaimed films of 2006 – Pan’s Labyrinth.

As I get older, I think the movies are getting better on the surface but much worse in the subtext. Pan’s Labyrinth is a movie that is the most recent example of this trend. While on one level, I can describe the acting as excellent, the cinematography gorgeous, and the special effects magical, I can also describe the themes presented as fundamentally offensive.

The story involves the whimsical adventures of a girl during the Spanish Civil War. She moves to the countryside with her one-dimensionally evil military step father and her equally one-dimensional suffering, yet beautiful mother. While there, she meets magical creatures and goes on magical quests. The idea is that if she succeeds on her quests, she will be rewarded by being taken to a magical kingdom far away from her war-torn world. Naturally, the film encourages us to want that girl to get out of there as fast as possible.

One of the biggest crises we have in a heavily mediated world is deciding to what degree we choose to ignore reality. It is painfully easy to create a media bubble for yourself and ignore the reality in the world. So to put out a film that expresses both the hopelessness in working to make the world better and couple it with an idea of salvation through escapism is dangerous.

Seriously, can you imagine the director of Pan’s Labyrinth as a Presidential Advisor? “Believe in fairies with all your heart, Mr. President. Believe in them and make them real, Mr. President. Don’t ever let go of your dream. Fight for it at all costs, even if people have to die. Wait and see. Magic will happen because you are magic. You have to believe.”

So that bothered me. The classic hero’s quest ends with a return. The hero, with a newfound knowledge, works to make the world a better place. In this film, however, the heroine’s quest ends without a return. Instead, we are supposed to celebrate the fact that the heroine has escaped from the world. She goes to a magic land of gold and fairies and hairy, big-cheeked fauns.

I totally reject that thesis. We shouldn’t celebrate escapism or preach it as a solution for anything.

Another thing I found morally reprehensible was the way that all the quests given to the girl were all based on blind obedience to absurd, fairy tale rules. (Here is where my Atheist/Agnostic/Former Catholic friend and I agreed to disagree, because this part struck me as the “Catholic” thinking behind the film.) All of the girl’s quests run along the lines of “Feed these three stones to the frog in the hole beneath the tree. Just do it, because it is important for you to do it.” For me, that attitude does not seem too far off from, “Eat this cracker, kneel, and cross yourself. Just do it because it is important.” The kid doesn’t even think of uttering my favorite word when I was that age, “Why?”

I am all for ritual, but I don’t do blind adherence to ritual. If you give me a set of instructions without a rich, symbolic subtext that makes sense, I just won’t “get it” and will argue. And even if I do “get it” I may still argue and grouse about it because I’m ornery that way.

The fact that all that is expected from this kid is obedience bothers me. My Atheist/Agnostic/Former Catholic friend is quick to point out that this is not Catholic because all of the symbols (the magic tree, the mandrake root, the faun in the labyrinth) are not Catholic at all - they’re pagan. Which makes me think of all the differences between Monopoly and Star Wars Monopoly – the pieces may be different, but the rules behind it all are very similar.

The final hot button the movie pushed had to do with the wartime morality presented. The director is known for doing comic book movies – stories that don’t really dwell in subtlety or moral gray areas. I think they are very entertaining… until he decides to depict war situations. This is one of the most egregious sins of the film – simultaneously presenting a “war is hell and should be avoided” scenario while adopting the “good guys can do no wrong and bad guys should be wiped off the planet” attitude that starts wars. The story is so unsubtle that the villain of the film goes through a facial disfigurement worthy of a Dick Tracy nemesis. This ridiculous exaggeration is presented with all sincerity and earnestness – as if the audience is not smart enough to think for themselves and realize this person is bad because he tortures prisoners and is mean to his wife - he must be disfigured as well.

Two scenes that exemplify this black-and-white attitude are the two battle aftermath scenes. When the Spanish soldiers win and verify that the dead are indeed dead, we are treated to image after image of close-up faces getting shot. When the rag tag communist rebels win a battle and get to shoot the evil, nasty faceless (haha) soldiers in the face, the camera drifts away, focusing on less vicious matters. It is as if the director laments that such good, pure, salt-of-the-earth people have to stoop so low as to do the same things the evil, torturing soldiers do.

Eventually the story culminates with a noble lynch mob chasing down the disfigured villain – imagine the Hunchback of Notre Dame but without the irony or insight. The crowd hates the ugly, deformed creature, and they are perfectly in the right for wanting to kill the evil evilness of it.

As if that ham-fisted image wasn’t offensive enough to intelligent viewers, we are treated to a cheap cultural stereotype to wring that last bit of moisture out of our ducts – the movie ends with a beautiful Spanish woman throwing her body on a corpse, wailing away over the lost, lost soul. Catholic symbolism, indeed.

But seriously, when you hear (non-Michael Medved) people review movies, do you ever hear, “I really disagree with the filmmaker’s worldview. I find the messages of the film offensive and morally reprehensible.”

No! You hear things like, “The actors were good,” or “You call that a British accent?” or “The gun-for-a-leg thing is just stupid.”

Because people don’t want to hear about message or debates on worldviews – they only want to know if the movie is good or not. And to talk about the filmmaker’s project or the message of the film is moving into the realm of “religion and politics.” It just isn’t nice conversation and should best be avoided. So instead we focus on things we can agree on – special effects and accents.

Which brings me back to Terry Gilliam, whose latest film seems to consist of little more than special effects and accents. Tideland is really a mess. I was unsettled before the movie even began, because the DVD starts out with a creepy little introduction by the man himself. Terry Gilliam stares out of the screen at you and tells you that you might not like the film, but for him it was a life-changing experience where he discovered that he really wants to be a little girl. Then he locks his eyes to yours and begins to chant, “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” The screen fades to black, but I honestly think he kept thanking the audience for a good two hours after filming stopped. I would have not been surprised to find that that after the film ends, we fade in to see Terry Gilliam still going, “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

This film is not what I would call good, but it didn’t offend me the way Pan’s Labyrinth did. Both films have preteen female protagonists in horrible situations. Both involve jumping back and forth between reality and fantasy. But in Tideland, the girl’s fantasy life helps her cope with reality, not to escape from it. Part of Gilliam’s project is to show how someone can be in truly horrific situations and still maintain a sense of purity and innocence. So what he does is put the little girl through increasingly horrific situations and then show how she remains pure throughout.

In one way, the whole movie is like a magic show where the magician keeps coming up with newer and more inventive traps for his lovely assistant to escape from. And then he starts taking suggestions from the audience, “Should I put her in sexual peril? Clap your hands if you want me to put her in sexual peril!”

But he is not telling you how the world works as much as he is presenting a situation, showing how a specific character deals with the situation, and then expecting you to discuss it. He has his take on the situation, and lets you know his take, but leaves enough room for discussion about the movie afterwards. There is a respect for the audience that is missing in Pan’s Labyrinth.

Here’s a good example of what I mean about Tideland – anyone who has seen Lost in La Mancha knows that Terry Gilliam’s number one defense mechanism is laughter. When anything goes wrong, he begins to giggle in a way that suggest both Woody Woodpecker and that odd Great Uncle your family doesn’t want to play with.

In Tideland the girl reacts to situations of total distress with squeals and giggles. Now, you can agree with the director and say that she retains a sense of purity in the face of corruption, or you can take the point of view that she has lost a little bit more of her not-so-great hold on sanity.

But there is room for discussion. There is room for argument and an exchange of ideas. It is like someone nailed a set of 95 theses on the door of the church, and asked for comments.

And that is what I like about it.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Going Baldly Where No One Has Gone Before

One of the funnier, insightful, and entertaining blogs I read is Balding Angrily by Alex.

I met Alex on the Filmspotting boards where he is the moderator. Adam and Sam, the Filmspotting guys, routinely heap praise on him, telling him how kind he is, how helpful he is, and how they couldn't be the internet force they are without him. They call me their Nemesis and openly mock me on their show.

But there is an affinity here - Alex and I are like long lost 3rd cousins. We both live in Dallas. We both have blogs. He is an architect, and I have been in buildings.

He has proposed a blog-switch for a day, singling me out.

And I have tentatively accepted.

I already have some ideas of what I am going to write, and I think he has some ideas for what to do with this space. So stay tuned, you 5 readers of this blog! Something cool is about to happen.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Me and My Pal

We are nice and cuddly, but don't make us angry.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

The Burger Kingification of Popular Cinema

The number one question I got when I walked around in my bright red AFI Dallas Film Festival Volunteer T-shirt was this, “What should I see?”

The festival had nice booklets for people to review.

The local press wrote about the festival weeks ahead of time. They made recommendations, listed out films they wanted to see, and even provided a group of trailers ominously missing from the AFI Dallas website.

But people still wanted to know what was good.

That is the joy and the terror of the Film Festival – you have no idea what the movie is going to be like. No one has seen it. You get to be the first. With this comes a certain amount of risk – it might be a real stinker or, even worse, a drug-rape-kill “comedy.” But there is also the very real chance that you will see something special and wonderful, a secret film that makes your heart warm every tine you think of it. (Case in point - My wife and I had an amazing time at a festival seeing the Adrienne Shelly film “I’ll Take You There.” It is still one of our favorite movies, even though it never got distribution. We love it even though no one else has even heard of it.)

But this got me thinking – you have the summary of the film before you. You have the trailer. You can use the International Movie Database to find out the filmography of all the actors, the screenwriter(s), the producer(s), the director, and even the cinematographer. But somehow this is not enough. You need to look someone in the eyes and have that person put his or her reputation on the line by recommending a movie.

Why don’t they trust all this information? Because too many times, they’ve been burned by the film summary, the trailer, or the resume of the talent involved. The movies are marketed to everyone, but the truth of the matter is that they’re made for niche audiences. And if you are in the mainstream but not in the niche, you will probably walk away from the experience disappointed.

This is a symptom of what I call the Burger Kingification of the movie industry.

For those of you who don’t follow fast food marketing, Burger King has adopted the business plan of ignoring the mainstream. Rather than put effort into following popular diet trends (such as serving salads, focusing on healthy foods, or serving anything Atkins of South Beach compliant), they just want to focus on the super-user. By catering to fast food aficionados, the company would (in theory) make more money than making something for everyone. Because only the fratboy demographic (a male age 17 to 24) would think of a sandwich named Meat’normous and think of it as a digestic challenge instead of something that should be fed to your enemies in hopes that it clogs their arteries.

Anyway, as more people who grew up on movies start making movies, a bit of genetic drift occurs. You watch films from Martin Scorsese and Brian de Palma and learn that they grew up watching movies by King Vidor and Alfred Hitchcock. And you watch movies by P.T. Anderson and Quentin Tarantino to learn only that they grew up watching Scorsese and de Palma movies. So you have someone riffing on someone riffing on someone riffing on Hitchcock. Or John Ford. Or Fritz Lang.

Sometimes it works, but more often than not, it comes across as a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy – just a mess. But a mess that is cherished and adored by the cool person who has the wherewithal to get the in-joke or who has been raised by Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax.

It even has gotten to the point where film directors pat themselves on the back for driving mainstream, Middle America out of the theaters. As if upsetting everyone except the niche audience was a mark of artistic integrity. The sad truth of the matter is that embedding yourself deeply in a niche is not a sign of artistic integrity as much as it is immersing yourself in an echo chamber. Cynicism and naiveté are not mutually exclusive.

One of the conversations I had with another AFI volunteer was about the movie Cake. He said he didn’t understand why the movie sold out when it looked stupid. I mean, what were these people thinking, spending their time and money watching a romantic comedy about a wedding? Why would someone even want to make a movie like that?

I asked him how much money "My Big, Fat Greek Wedding" made. THAT’S why someone would want to make a movie like that. It seems like an anomaly because so rarely is a movie made for the mainstream. Movies today are made for core and niche audiences. The Burger King Super-Users.

To try to make this point, I asked him if he wanted to see Grindhouse.

Hell, yes.

What about your mother and your grandmother? Are they just as excited about Grindhouse?

No way, man.

But would they go see Cake?

I guess so.

Well, ok then.