Monday, September 26, 2005

How to Avoid the Gay Marriage Debate Completely

For whatever reason, the Gay Marriage Debate just won’t go away. As soon as it seems like the last vestiges of media attention fade away, some politician introduces or vetoes legislation and then it all gets rehashed for another news cycle.

Some of us are tired of having the same conversation with the same people about the same thing over and over again. This is due to the fact that the gay marriage debate is described as “polarizing”. “Polarizing” means one group of idiots gets on one side and another group of idiots gets on the other side and the only thing they seem to agree on is that everyone should be on one side or the other.

So next time someone tries to get you to talk about “the debate” remember that this is not going to be a debate, but rather a way for you to be classified as “completely on my side” or “completely on the other side.” Either way, it is a trap designed by idiots for idiots. Here is how to get out of it.

Begin ranting in your loudest, most passionate voice, and say something like this:

“You’re totally off because the real problem is that the government should never have been put in charge of Marriage in the first place. Marriage should have never left the control of the church.

“Because the real problem is that we’re using the same word to describe two different things: Big-M Marriage and little-m marriage.

“Big-M Marriage is the ultimate cosmic ideal of two permanently joining in an unbreakable union that is supposed to be the end-all-be-all of everything. Big-M Marriage is the ultimate financial union, the ultimate familial union, and the symbolic representation of the connection of the cosmic to the temporal. The Big-M Marriage is more important than anything, even life itself. Given the option of Big D-Death or the desecration of Big-M Marriage, everyone would naturally go the Big D way. Something this big, this eternal, and this… everything can only belong in a church, because anywhere else it would scare the living bejebees out of everyone.

“Only the bravest, foolhardy, and truly committed should even attempt this. And it should only take place under strict supervision of people preoccupied with the Eternal Hereafter. Which means, of course, the church.

“And, of course, since the church is in charge of Big-M Marriage, they can put as many rules as they want to around it (i.e. 'Don't cheat.' 'Have lots of kids.' 'Comply or we will burn you at the stake.'). And if you don't like Big-M Marriage, there is little-m marriage for you.

“Little-m marriage is two people who are in love and want everyone to know it.

“This little-m marriage is an agreement between two people who set their own standards and then have it notarized. And, like any contract, it should be flexible enough to make all parties entering the contract satisfied. This little-m marriage can be regulated by the state, sure, but only in the way business contracts are regulated – i.e. the state can arbitrate if the contract is broken and things go horribly, horribly wrong.

“You can call it a marriage contract, or a domestic partnership or a business arrangement. It doesn’t matter. The state should not have any say in the content of the contract. End of discussion.

“And if you want to try your hand at the Big-M Marriage-which-is-more-valuable-than-life-itself, talk to your local place of worship. I’m sure they have a pamphlet on the subject.”

Hopefully, after saying all this, the person trying to drag you into the discussion won’t have anything else to say and will never bother you with topic again.

Which is what you wanted in the first place.

You're welcome.

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