Friday, September 14, 2007

Looking for Richard: The Abridged Script

Apologies to Rod Hilton. Also, if you haven't seen this trainwreck of a movie, it can be found here.

LOOKING FOR RICHARD: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

INT. AL PACINO’S OFFICE

AL PACINO

Iam AL PACINO! Iamthe PRODUCER! Iamthe DIRECTOR! Iamthe WRITER! Iamthe STAR! Ispeakthefirsthalfofallofmysentencesreallyfast AND THEN SCREAM THE SECOND HALF! (turns to the camera and speaks in an overly sincere monotone) I consider it my sacred mission to bring Shakespeare to the common man.

INT. OXFORD PROFESSOR’S OFFICE

OXFORD PROFESSOR

Shakespeare is very important. (turns to the camera and speaks in monotone, as if reading cue cards) If only someone…. some… one… would bring Shakespeare to the common man.

INT. KENNETH BRANAGH’S OFFICE

KENNETH BRANAGH

Shakespeare is very important. (turns to the camera and speaks in monotone, as if reading cue cards) If only someone…. some… one… would bring Shakespeare to the common man.

AL PACINO

You think it would rock the entire world if I used this documentary on Shakespeare to act out Richard III with my actor buddies?

KENNETH BRANAGH

Ehhhh.

AL PACINO

That wasn’t really a question.

INT. REHEARSAL SPACE

KEVIN SPACEY

Wow. This is incredible! Who would have thought of bringing Shakespeare to the common man?

RANDOM CREWMAN

Only Al Pacino! He is the best! He is wonderful! He is a genius! No one, and I mean no one would ever possibly in a million years think of bringing Shakespeare to the common man!

AL PACINO

Promote that gaffer to assistant director and give him more screen time than anyone but me.

WINNONA RYDER

What am I doing here, again?

AL PACINO

HOO-HAAAAAA!

KEVIN SPACEY

Did Shakespeare actually make Richard III say HOO-HAAAA?

AL PACINO (to crew)

Kill the traitor.

COMMON MAN

I’m so glad this movie played only in art theaters and then got shelved in the documentary section of the video store, because now I'll never see it.

2 comments:

Courtney said...

Ha! Now I really want to see it to see how bad it is!

Anonymous said...

No, you don't. We have to study it for our HSC :(