In Case You Are Expecting Things On This Blog...

I have a half-way finished blog post that isn't quite ready to go, so I'm putting it off until Christmas. Which is kind of sad because it was about torture in entertainment (specifically comedies about torture) and that theme fits more with Halloween than Christmas (unless, of course you are a Grinch).

However, I am going to take a one-maybe-two month break from the ol' blog because I will have too LITTLE time on my hands, particularly where writing is concerned.

Because I know some people read this, I thought I would warn you ahead of time - it is not going to be updated for some time.

Here is my writing schedule for the next two months (and remember, the writing schedule often takes the back-burner to job, family, and household chores):

Current writing projects - I am trying to enter three different scripts in the Slamdance Horror Screenplay competition. Currently, I have one completely finished one, and two half-finished ones. The deadline is November 12th, so I need to finish those two halfway done ones. There is a good chance I will only finish one of the two by the November 12th deadline. To give you an idea of the high-concept, lowest common denominator type of work I'm churning out, I'll give you the title of one of my scripts: Zombie Prom Queen!

Future projects - I am participating in NaNoWriMo this year. The goal is to write a 50,000 word novel in one month. Sounds like a lot until you break it down to 1,667 words a day. I write emails longer than that. Anyway, this idea has been cooking for awhile and I already have an outline, so I'm excited about getting it finished. Working title of the novel: Personal Myths.

After November (and NaNoWriMo) ends, the December projects are the annual Christmas letter (which will turn up on the blog) and a super secret project for the fans of the Filmspotting podcast.

Next year, I want to start out by writing another spec script for The Office (I have a brilliant idea for a show and it won't leave me alone) and then get another screenplay ready for the BlueCat Screenwriting contest in March.

So that's the pie-in-the-sky ambitious writing schedule through Spring '08. Hopefully, I'll work some blog posts in there, too.

P.S. I will still update my other blog, WTFDVDs, on a regular basis. As you can probably tell, it doesn't take much to maintain that one.

My Rant about Cable Television Shows

Despite the fact that I occasionally write television spec scripts, I am one of those people who inherently doesn’t like television. However, I have to admit I obsess over certain shows when they get good.

And when I heard all sorts of people talking about how Dexter was nine kinds of awesome, my curiosity was roused. So I tried watching the critically acclaimed show and couldn’t get any further than Disc 1 of Season 1.

Let me tell you, Dexter is not nine kinds of awesome. It is like half of awesome, and not the awe part. It is some.

Here is my problem – people who develop original programming for cable really love breaking their own arms patting themselves on the back for creativity. “You can do things in this show you can’t do on normal television!” they exclaim. “We advocate complete creative freedom! We believe in quality more than anything else!” and that is just not true.

They believe in objectionable content. Nudity, sex, violence, whatever you can’t show on regular television.

And here is the tricky part, the show has to convince the viewers each week that this excessive amount of objectionable content is not gratuitous, that it is indeed necessary to the plot.

The only way to work around this is, of course, to have the entire premise of the show based around sex and/or violence. The main character is a serial killer. The main character is a Mafioso. The main character is Larry David.

The problem with a premise like this is that the longer the show continues, the less plausible it becomes. The classic example of this is Murder She Wrote . After 12 years of solving a crime a week, no one ever caught on that you should not invite this woman to your birthday party, because a guest was going to mysteriously die. And, yet, week after week they did this.

So you have a premise of a show where someone dies every week. Or someone gets raped every week. Or someone gets tortured every week. And the writers have to go out of their way to conform to the formula even when the storyline or the character development makes it reasonable to deviate from the show formula. It creates monotony, fatigue, and boredom.

Because the mantra is “This is something you can only get on pay cable,” somehow this means that you can’t do anything that could appear on just any old television station. You can’t have a show like Friends, you have to twist it into a show like Friends with Benefits.

So when I see shows like Dexter, all I see is marketing and formula. I don’t see creativity. I don’t see something interesting. I just see plain old television.

The Buffy Report - Season 3, Disc 2

While the entire blogosphere seems to be documenting the new fall season, I am stuck squarely back in 1998. You see, I have never watched (or really cared to watch) Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

These are words of blasphemy to many of my close friends and relations, so I am quietly trying to work my way through the show just so I can at least understand what they are talking about when they resort to a pidgin of pop culture references and show quotes.

On a high level, I really did not like Season 1, but really enjoyed portions of Season 2. Two discs and eight episodes into Season 3, I am back to feeling lukewarm towards the entire endeavor.

From a technical side, Season 3 seems to be both a step forward and a step backwards. I don’t know if they upgraded camera or cinematographers (probably both), but the show looks better than it ever has. The lighting is very moody and fun.

However, it seems like the very sharp editors from Season 2 decided to move on to bigger and better things, leaving the show runners with the lowly interns and high school students who have been sitting around, not paying and not learning anything since the last time they fiddled with the editing dials, which I assume was either never or merely Season 1.

What I am really saying is this - We all know Sarah Michelle Gellar uses a stunt double, but at least make an effort to preserve the illusion of reality. Season 2 did a good job of hiding this with editing, but in Season 3, they don’t even try. That (combined with the obviously paper mache monsters) was one of the most annoying aspects of Season 1. There is nothing less terrifying than an obvious sock puppet, except maybe an obvious sock puppet in poor lighting.

The greatest strength of the show it also the greatest weakness – it captures the feeling of high school. No, it is nothing like real high school, but it captures the exaggerated “everything is a life or death moment and all my problems are the center of the universe” feeling that is prevalent in most high school students. And while this overwrought attitude might resonate with the teenage demographic, to the cranky old guy it comes across as excessive underlining and exclamation points.

Here is my brief summary of the first two DVDs of Season 3.

Buffy loves a man who is no good for her.

SHE LOVES HIM!!!

BUT HE’S NO GOOD FOR HER!!

AND IT IS TERRIBLE BECAUSE SHE LOVES HIM AND HE’S NO GOOD FOR HER!!!!!!!

TRAGIC!!!!

So now that I’ve dished out some negativity, I will share some positives. Not surprisingly, they all focus on the character development. .The strength of the show lies in the characters and their interactions.

Two characters, one minor, one major really stand out so far.

The Principal
He is hilarious and menacing all at once, conveying a debilitating Little Man Syndrome with a mere stoop of the shoulders accompanied by a scowl.

Cordelia
Here is a stereotype fleshed out and made real. Is she smart? Is she stupid? Is she secretly nice underneath all that mean? Or is she really mean with flashes of niceness? I have no idea. Just like I have no idea what is going to come out of her mouth next. But yet, she is an amazingly consistent character. That kind of unpredictable fun is what makes her character such a deep fried pile of awesome.

So that is my report on what I’ve experienced so far. Now that I have put my thoughts in writing, I am sure the people who have seen the show and know what happens next will point out how silly my analysis is.

Appreciating Wes Anderson

Wes Anderson has a new movie out (technically a feature film and a short film), and it is now fashionable to bash him. Slate ran a poorly-researched puff piece calling him a racist… er… or rather… someone who mishandles race in his films. Both Slate’s Dana Stephens and Fresh Air’s David Edelstein managed to use the word “twee” in their reviews, which indicates to me at least that they’re all using the same Word-a-day calendar. (This coincidence isn’t as baffling as the year 1999 when all business and financial journalists suddenly decided to describe every executive as “a man who looks like he was raised on organ meat.” But I have digressed.)

I have a fondness for Wes Anderson, because he reminded me what a director does.

Let me explain – I don’t like to really comment on movies until I’ve waited a week, because more often than not my impressions change drastically as more time passes. As much as I may enjoy Michael Mann or Ron Howard films while watching them, they completely evaporate after a night’s sleep. Seriously, I know I’ve seen Last of the Mohicans and Ransom, but I do not remember a blessed thing about either of them.

I had the opposite experience with Rushmore. I saw it in the theaters, and walked out thinking, “That was pretty good, but nothing super special. Still, it was an enjoyable little movie.”

But over the next couple of days, I found myself thinking about the film more and more. I wound up going back to the theater to see it at least twice more.

My like for Rushmore grew to love which in turn grew into something bordering obsession. I bought the soundtrack. I actively sought out the movie poster. If someone built a Max Fischer action figure complete with velvet curtains and put it on eBay, I’m sure I would have bid on it.

It culminated in my purchase of the Rushmore screenplay, which I passionately tore through during a lunch break.

For those of you who loved the Rushmore screenplay, I commend you. However, the screenplay I read was crap. Bad dialogue, poorly contrived situations, and a weak conclusion.

Just to prove I wasn’t insane, I re-watched the movie with the script close by (for reference).

And it lined up perfectly. The movie was everything in the script, plus enough goodness to make it a quality experience.

Every once in awhile, I forget that for every person you see on the screen, there are about twice as many people behind the camera. I forget that not only are there writers and lighting technicians, but there are directors who hold everything together and guide all parties in the same direction.

And, whether you like his films or not, he is able to guide many different people in the same direction to create a singular vision of art.

Sometimes it is easy to forget. Directors like Wes Anderson help us remember.

Scriptapalooza Entry - The Office: Guitar Heroes

So I finished up my spec script for the Scriptapalooza TV contest and am prepping to mail it before the October 15th deadline.

Like 95% of the people entering the contest, I decided to write a spec script for the most popular show on television, The Office.

Here it is.

If you are really interested in how I've progressed as a spec script writer, here is my entry to last year's contest.

I am also available for birthdays, bar/bas mitzvahs, and proms. Tip your waitresses, please.

The Realms of the Deeply Unwell

Colleen Doran posted this in her blog, and as much as I don't like reposting posts of things that have been posted, this was an incredible article about some of the wickedness the internet makes possible.

http://www.laweekly.com/news/news/the-life-and-death-of-jesse-james/17427/?page=1

And it is not just the story, it is the way the story is told. Do you need an example of the incredible prose?

Here's some:

So I hear it through Tania that Audrey has decided to move to Colorado to be with Jesse. She’s quitting her job. Packing her stuff. Leaving her home. To be with a guy . . . that she’s never actually met.

I point out to Tania that pheromones have a lot to do with mutual attraction — what if the smell’s off?

“Oh, they thought of that,” Tania tells me. They exchanged “special pieces of clothing,” she says.

To smell.

I imagine two people, one in L.A., one in Colorado, sniffing each other’s underpants to see if they can handle living together, and I say, “Jesus, that’s fucking insane.”

“You shouldn’t judge,” says Tania.

I beg to differ. This is why we have judgment.

The Cadver Calculator - Most Disturbing Blog Thing I Have Discovered

The Cadaver Calculator asks you a series of questions and decides what your dead body is worth on the cadaver market. (I assume this means med schools using bodies for dissection, not some sort of strange black market based on dead body practical jokes.)

Anyway, according to this Cadaver Calculator, my dead body is worth $4425.00. So if I ever star in a zombie movie, I'll know how much to ask for.

Wouldn't it be great if this was around when the movie It's a Wonderful Life came out. Good ol' George Bailey could have used this to see if he really was worth more dead than alive.

$4425.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth.

JustSayHi - Free Personals

The Office - Lost Dialogue Unrated Director's Cut Thing

My hobby is screenwriting, which can be a fun and inexpensive hobby if you work hard at it.

Because the film and television is so competitive, another new and entirely different industry has grown up around breaking into the film and television industry. If you say, “I want to be a screenwriter,” there are dozens and dozens of people who will tell you, “You can only be a screenwriter only if you pay me money so I can show you how it is done.”

If you do this, your fun and inexpensive hobby becomes a REALLY EXPENSIVE hobby. Plus the advice you get from people you pay isn’t always the best.

I was at a writing workshop one time and the person leading the discussion said, “You see on the table before me twenty books about how to have a successful career as a screenwriter. Out of all of these books, only one of them was written by a person with a successful career as a screenwriter.” It was true. The rest of the books were written by people who made a living writing books and conducting seminars on how to be a screenwriter.

But that is beside the point. Once you say, “I’m a screenwriter,” there are a million billion screenplay contests for you to enter.

Some of them are very fun but don’t have prizes, like this punchline contest by Ken Levine. (Actually, the real prize was his advice to aspiring writers, which he posted here.)

And some of the contest have thousands and thousands of dollars worth or prizes in the form of magazine subscriptions and discounts on their screenplay reading and reviewing services.

One of the screenwriting I like the most is the Scriptapalooza TV contest because they ask people to write scripts for existing television shows.

This has lead to a few awkward social situations. I remember talking about my script for Arrested Development where Gob decides to open a women’s clothing store, but all the clothes are the same size – the size of a woman whose proportions Gob considered attractive. That way, he could use the store to score.

Apparently, I got a little passionate about pitching to this guy because he responded to the whole thing by saying, “Dude, you really get into your fan fiction.”

Ugh. Hate to sound all snotty, but what I do is not fan fiction.

Here’s why:

1. Fan fiction is almost always bad. I like to think my stuff is not bad.
2. Fan fiction often ventures into the world of wish fulfillment, which makes it bad.
3. Fan fiction often ventures into the world of slash fiction (sexually explicit encounters between fictional characters) which tends to make it either bad or just creepy (I’m talking to you Harry Potter fans!).
4. I am not writing scripts to fulfill some creepy fan fantasy. I am writing to show that:
1. I know the formula of the television show in question.
2. If asked, I can follow the formula and do it with a flourish.
5. Do people really write fan fiction about The Office or Arrested Development? If so, why?

In the one book actually written by a person with a successful screenwriting career, he says that you need to watch out when making a script that focuses on a television guest star of some sort. It hurts the producer's feelings if you totally ignore their characters.

I secretly believe that guest stars in your script are secret indicators that they are fan fiction, so I don’t try to use them. All elements for a successful show (premise, cast, etc.) are part of the show’s formula. That's the theory, at least.

But all of that is beside the point. The point is that I’m in the middle of a script for The Office and I thought of a good dialog exchange that is perfectly in line with the tone/spirit of the show, but doesn’t fit in my script. So I thought I would post it on the blog. And all of the blah blah blah before this section is just over-hype and set up for four lines of naughty talk.

My parents are not allowed to read past this point, because of a naughty, yet literary, word I normally refer to as "hoo-haa."

Here is the Cut Scene from my Office Script that is not Fan Fiction:

Jan

We are not going to have this discussion, Michael

Michael

Come on. We’re not like that, Jan. We’re not the Vagina Monologues. We’re the Vagina Dialogs.

Dwight

(dawning realization) Then that would mean that you also have a-

Michael

Shut up, Dwight.

***
And if that wasn't funny enough for you, this is guaranteed to cause some laughs.

If you got anything from my dorky MySpace account in the past 48 hours - delete it, please

It looks like my love of Kanye West and 50 Cent rap-off videos has compromised my dorky MySpace account.

Apologies to the person? People? who were affected by this. I am more than a little upset by this whole thing, but MySpace Tom with the incredibly poor posture assures me it is now all fixed.

So... to make sure you don't feel your time is complete wasted with this blog entry, here is a music video comprised of old church revival footage - once again showing that video cameras and church services shouldn't mix.

How I Spent my Colorado Vacation

To all of the three of you who expect this blog to be updated regularly, you might have noticed that I haven’t been posting for the past two or so weeks – even the embedded-video-that-doesn’t-really-count-as-a-post posts haven’t been popping up as often as they normally do.

There are a couple of reasons for this and they all boil down to me not having too much time on my hands.

It is good for me keep busy. I don’t spend as much money and fewer things blow up. Plus, I get to go on vacation.

Yes, not only did I get to go to Portland earlier this year, I also got to go with the Mrs. to Colorado.

How can I afford to go on two vacations? I sold a mountain. See? Here is a photo of me selling it.

The secret to good salesmanship is this – NEVER TAKE OFF YOUR HEADPHONES. As long as you are listening to happy music, you feel better. And if you feel better, you will give off a more positive impression. And giving off a positive impression means effective salesmanship. I would go into more detail, but you will need to attend my $99.95 half-day seminar to find out the incredible technique of my amazing Seven Steps to Selling Mountains (and Molehills) Method.

Colorado is a very beautiful state. I am genuinely surprised that it is possible to build anything there, because there is so much raw, wild, aggressive nature. It is easy to imagine going to bed one night and the next morning discovering that your front yard has been reclaimed by nature.

You think I'm joking, but one morning we went through a park with a paved walking path.

And the next morning, the mountains and scrub brush swallowed it whole!

In the struggle of Man vs. Nature, Man's only defense is the same one I used against my brother when we were younger - Man sits on Nature and calls it funny names.

Here is a photo of Man scaling up nature...

...and here is a photo of Man sitting on Nature, using the full force of his hefty buttocks and and saying, "I'm not getting up until you say that you are secretly in love with Arlene Moffit! Because I know you are! You are! You are! You are! MOFFIT LOVER! You're a MOFFIT LOVER!" Then Man bounces a little to drive the point home.

It wasn't all nature and hiking trails for us, though. We saw the famous Boulder Falls...

...and we also saw the truly incredible Air Force Academy Chapel.

The Air Force Academy Chapel has a Wednesday night Buddhist service which struck me as odd, because aren't Buddhists supposed to be pacifists? Why would they be in the ARMED SERVICES? This is yet another reason I marvel at the U.S. Armed Services, they can do these sort of things with a straight face and no one thinks it is ironic. Well, no one but me.

We ended our whirlwind tour of the state in Denver, where we got to see the spider bite on my cousin's arm. Her dad almost got on a plane to make sure it was ok, but we took this photo to prove to him that it was indeed NO BIG DEAL, and then we promptly forgot to email it to him that evening. Soooooo.... yeeeeah... That's why we're placing the photo on the blog about a week and a half later. So now eveyone knows the spider bite is NO BIG DEAL.

While I was there, I often asked myself where Kat(e) was. I kept seeing her handiwork everywhere.

And I also saw the BEST SIGN EVER! Seriously, if you only learn one thing from my trip to Colorado, learn this - NEVER LEAVE BABY UNATTENDED!

In conclusion, I like Colorado.

Happy Trails!

If I could make six figures making videos like this, I would leave my job tomorrow.

I love stuff like this, especially the raccoon part.

Reasons Why You Should Listen to My Cousin

My musician cousin has pretty much made it a mandate to only like bands she can hear live, because that is the only way to separate the true musicians from the lip-syncing fashion plates.

Because I have no inherent musical ability outside of remixing things using Sony's ACID software, I try to disagree with her.

But then, my favorite new band St. Vincent does two super cool live music YouTube things and suddenly, I don't have a leg to stand on.





And, for no real reason whatsoever, here is a picture of Veronica Belmont in a bear costume.

Looking for Richard: The Abridged Script

Apologies to Rod Hilton. Also, if you haven't seen this trainwreck of a movie, it can be found here.

LOOKING FOR RICHARD: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

INT. AL PACINO’S OFFICE

AL PACINO

Iam AL PACINO! Iamthe PRODUCER! Iamthe DIRECTOR! Iamthe WRITER! Iamthe STAR! Ispeakthefirsthalfofallofmysentencesreallyfast AND THEN SCREAM THE SECOND HALF! (turns to the camera and speaks in an overly sincere monotone) I consider it my sacred mission to bring Shakespeare to the common man.

INT. OXFORD PROFESSOR’S OFFICE

OXFORD PROFESSOR

Shakespeare is very important. (turns to the camera and speaks in monotone, as if reading cue cards) If only someone…. some… one… would bring Shakespeare to the common man.

INT. KENNETH BRANAGH’S OFFICE

KENNETH BRANAGH

Shakespeare is very important. (turns to the camera and speaks in monotone, as if reading cue cards) If only someone…. some… one… would bring Shakespeare to the common man.

AL PACINO

You think it would rock the entire world if I used this documentary on Shakespeare to act out Richard III with my actor buddies?

KENNETH BRANAGH

Ehhhh.

AL PACINO

That wasn’t really a question.

INT. REHEARSAL SPACE

KEVIN SPACEY

Wow. This is incredible! Who would have thought of bringing Shakespeare to the common man?

RANDOM CREWMAN

Only Al Pacino! He is the best! He is wonderful! He is a genius! No one, and I mean no one would ever possibly in a million years think of bringing Shakespeare to the common man!

AL PACINO

Promote that gaffer to assistant director and give him more screen time than anyone but me.

WINNONA RYDER

What am I doing here, again?

AL PACINO

HOO-HAAAAAA!

KEVIN SPACEY

Did Shakespeare actually make Richard III say HOO-HAAAA?

AL PACINO (to crew)

Kill the traitor.

COMMON MAN

I’m so glad this movie played only in art theaters and then got shelved in the documentary section of the video store, because now I'll never see it.

Mid 90s Cultural Awkwardness

Before I was married, I would get mad crushes on practically any woman behind a counter in a coffee shop. My secret belief is that it is something about the coffee smell, but it may have to do with a fond memory I have of this tanned and exotic woman who would always smile and wave when I came into her coffee shop. She was very friendly and put me at ease, which, in retrospect I see as just providing great customer service, but at the time I interpreted as nothing short of love. Which was totally cool.

Every day I came by she would write a different drink on a chalkboard under "Barista's Special." Because it was the mid 90s and because I don't know anything, I thought her name was Barista.

Every day for over a year I would come in and go, "Hi Barista! What is the special of the day?" and then I would pay lots of money to buy it. I even gave a tip, which usually brought the total purchase amount to about an hour-and-a-half's worth of work at my old pay rate.

But that was ok with me because I thought it was so cool to know someone with an exotic name like Barista.

Then Starbucks happened. Only after seeing the word "Barista" plastered over every coffee shop in existence did I learn that "barista" was a job title, not a pretty Latin name. Sad but true.

I still think the word is kind of pretty and I think a coffee-scented perfume named "Barista" would make millions of dollars. Because, what guy can resist a woman who smells like coffee?

Me am Smart

Seeing this makes me love my wife even more.

The Best Excuse Ever

I try not to blog about consulting work, but this is too good. We are in the final stages of a project and are trying to determine who is going to be responsible for maintaining the deliverables after the project ends.

So we have a meeting about this and we go around the room listening to why everyone on our client’s side is completely unable to do this. And one person says, “I would love to take this on, but I might get promoted, and where would we be then?”

This is my new excuse for everything. “I’m afraid I can’t do that. I might get promoted.”

Why wasn’t this report filed?

I might get promoted.

Why did you miss that meeting?

I might get promoted.

Why are you wearing fuzzy bunny slippers and a bathrobe to the office?

I might get promoted.

Another great example of instructional design

From Boing Boing.

Seeing This Makes Me Proud I am an Instructional Designer

Overheard in the Cube Farm

50-something Consultant #1: Its hard when you're unemployed. Believe me, I'm an old, fat, black woman.
50-something Consultant #2: Well, I'm an old, fat, gay man.
30-something Consultant: Awwww... I'm just fat.

Overheard at Target

Woman #1, looking through greeting cards: What about this one? "You make the world a brighter place."
Woman #2: Are you kidding? She makes the world a darker place.