What does a producer do, excactly?

I produced an educational podcast for a friend. Actually, I did very little, but I like the idea of having the word "Producer" on my resume and no one involved in the project has objected, so it is sticking. Maybe if I do even less next time, I can bill myself as an "Executive Producer."

Anyway, the first episode launched today.

You can listen to it here:

http://www.archive.org/download/AnitaHortonPhotoAssignmentGrey_0/Horton_ArtClass_GreySpeak1.mp3

Or subscribe to the podcast here:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/MrsHortonsSchoolOfAdvancedArt

There will be 10 Episodes, one a week, for the next 10 school weeks.

Enjoy!

Customer Complaint and Corporate Joy

As some of the more business-minded ones of you out there may know, Bank of America just bought out/merged with MBNA.

My wife and I have been MBNA customers for some time, and have been really pleased with their service, even when they jacked around their agreement terms that one time.

Digression
Here’s that story. When we first signed on with MBNA for a credit card, the rule was this: if you pay the bill in full before the end of the bill cycle, they don’t charge any interest. So we set up all of our bills to hit before the end of the bill cycle. After several months of this they changed the policy so that they charge interest unless the bill is paid in full by the BILL DUE DATE, which is about a WEEK EARLIER than the end of bill cycle. So one month – WHAM – our bill is chock full of interest charges where there were never any before. We called to complain, were connected WITHOUT ANY WAIT TIME to an intelligent, courteous, living person who WAIVED OUR INTEREST FEES until we could readjust our bill paying schedule to accommodate this new timeline. The call from dial to departure, took all of five minutes. We were blown away. This was one of those positive experiences that made us evangelical for the company.
End Digression

So it was with disappointment and sadness when I saw that they were bought out by Bank of America. This is how I found out: I tried to log into my credit card account to view my balance and got redirected to a new website.

This new website not only told me I couldn’t view my balance until I agreed to new terms of service, but it made me click through TWO PAGES OF ADVERTISEMENTS before getting to the service agreement.

Because I distrust banks that rely on advertising revenue, I actually sat down and read the service level agreement. Which is hard to do because it was written by lawyers and if you read material like this too much, you start thinking like a lawyer. And, frankly, I don’t want to start oozing piles of ick.

The text of the service level agreement is quite impenetrable, but I highlighted all the areas where the words “fee” and “charge” were used. And then I called my trusty ol’ MBNA phone rep to explain the exciting new fees and charges to me.

First thing I noticed was a 15 minute hold time. This was something I NEVER experienced before with MBNA. The first thing my wife said was, “We miss the old MBNA.”

The rep said, “Oh, we’re still the same company.”

“Then why did I have a 15 minute hold time when I’ve never had that before?”

“Ummm… how can I help you today?”

Then the rep didn’t know the details about the fees, and would put us on hold while she found out. Whoops! Wouldn’t you know it, the phone got just a wee little disconnected.

So… eventually we got the official word which was this – If you download your credit card data in a Quicken file while you have Quicken running in the background, they charge you $20 a month. But if you download the Quicken file and DON'T have Quicken running in the background, banking with Quicken is free.

Which made us… happy is not the right word… neither is satisfied… um… NOT AS ANGRY AS WE COULD HAVE BEEN.

Except – get this – you CAN’T DOWNLOAD QUICKEN DATA FROM THE WEBSITE UNLESS YOU AGREE TO PAY THE $20 A MONTH SERVICE FEE. Which means the person on the phone lied to us, or was lied to and just passed that lie along.

This is bad because our household lives and breathes Quicken. We pay for the software and the upgrades, and somehow, that doesn't seem like enough money out of our pockets. Banks and credit card companies see this need to CHARGE CUSTOMERS EXTRA for using Quicken, when, in my opinion, they should be FINANCIALLY INSENTING people to use Quicken instead.

Seriously. Quicken SAVES time and money. So why do financial institutions feel this neet to make it suddenly WASTE time and money? It baffles me.

Oh, and they put the credit card on a new billing cycle so this month the window to pay our credit card bill without getting charged interest went from 28 days to 14 days. Thank you, Bank of America. Thank you for spreading misery all over the world. Your evil overlords are pleased with your work.

And I write all this because while getting more than angry about what a lousy customer/corporation relaitonship I was forced into, I was forwarded a nice little video of the Bank of America executives celebrating the merger. Good to see my issues are being dealt with in such a serious manner.

Normally supporting struggling musicians makes me happy. Not this time.

Because no one else on the entire internet will post this in their blogs...

Here is the latest Spider-Man 3 trailer.

Yes, I love the Spider-Man movies.

Another Commecial Idea

Advertisers! Feel free to use this idea for your 30-second commercial spot!

Overhead shot of someone sleeping in bed.

Narrator:
Are you one of the millions of Americans who suffer from automatic arm syndrome?

An alarm clock goes off. Without waking up, the person in the bed shoots out his/her arm, whacking the clock and stopping the noise.

Narrator:
Well, now there is a cure.

Insert product. Insert product pitch. Insert narrator reading ad copy.

Shot of person sleeping in bed with the camera at eye level. Behind them the alarm clock clearly reads “9:48.”

Narrator:
You need [product name]… Because your boss doesn’t think automatic arm syndrome is a good excuse.

The person in bed opens his/her eyes wide in a full-on panic.

And so it begins...

As you may remember, I've been on Trigger Street for a few months, reviewing screenplays and yadda yadda. Out of my eight work-in-progress screenplays, I finally finished one and posted it.

Behold the wonder of Comicon Pimps.

The whole idea is that I want Christopher Guest and his crew to make a movie about comic book fans, and it doesn't look like he will do this any time soon. So I wrote a wish-fulfillment screenplay for his acting group. (For fun, see if you can figure out the actors I had in mind for the parts. Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara should be easy to spot.)

I am also fascinated with the common insult to comic book / fantasy / sci-fi fans - you just need to get laid and all your obsessions / problems will go away. This insult is patently untrue.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but I have participated in all-night Dungeons and Dragons games where the wife / girlfriend of the host made it pretty clear that if the host would just kick out all of his loser D&D friends, she will be more than willing to... ah... be... um... intimate.

And EVERY TIME that happens, the host is always, "Honey, PLEASE. I'm trying to PLAY A GAME here."

A lot of humor from the script comes from the fact that given the choice to have a moment of physical pleasure and owning a Limited Edition Star Trek Collector's Plate, certain people will always go with the plate.

Love fades, but those plates will last forever, man.

Websites I Like: Overheard in New York

Me: The people at that table are breaking up.
Friend: I know.
Me: You're listening in too?
Friend: Oh yeah. I do it all the time.
Me: So do I. I like to think it makes me a better writer. You know, listening to vocal patterns... conversation topics... insights.
Friend: I'm just nosy.

Overheard in New York is a website for people like us.

Adrienne Shelly, 1966 - 2006

I just read on Green Cine Daily that writer/director/actress Adrienne Shelley passed away.

Everyone is unique and special, and during times like these, the struggle is to find unique and special words for this person. The frustration is, of course, that the only words that come to mind are well-worn and trite.

I'm in shock. We are truly at a loss. She was a wonderful person.

My first experience watching her work was in the Hal Hartley film, Trust. The first shot of the film is an extreme close-up of her face. She is petulent and bratty, spending the first scene treating her parents with contempt and anger. Through the course of the film, she grows and eventually becomes a force of giving instead a force of taking. (Plus, she proved beyonda a shadow of a doubt that you can be more attractive in a long dress and glasses than you can be in flashy tops that expose your mid drift.)

I had the pleasure of meeting her once at the USA Film Festival when she screened her film, I'll Take You There. And, like what happens every time I meet an attractive woman, I totally froze up. I think all I ever said to her was, "Buh buh buh... sign please?" She was gracious and kind to me when she didn't have to.

And that's how I'll always remember her... gracious and kind. She was a force of giving, and I will truly miss what she gave to us.

Podcasts I Like: My Favorite Podcast

There are podcasts I can’t wait to listen to. Buzz Out Loud is a podcast I start listening to about 5 seconds after I download it. Same goes for Filmspotting.

But I will say this about all of them – they’re temporal. Sure these podcasts occasionally have moments that merit revisiting (how I wish for an eventual Best of Massacre Theater CD), but none of them leave me wanting to hear the entire podcast again.

This brings me to Audition. Audition is the official podcast of the Mars Hill Audio Journal. Not only is every podcast a real treat, they all can be heard over and over with little or no diminishing returns.

Here’s why – they’re not dumbed-down. These are academics or writers writing to academics, and they love talking about the high-minded and esoteric. So sometimes it takes a few listens to really understand what is being said. And once an understanding is obtained, either a counter-argument forms or a challenge is presented to your life. Either way, you are transformed on a very fundamental level by the information presented.

The most recent podcast is a perfect example of this – it covers discussions of W.H. Auden, Flannery O’Connor, and C. S. Lewis. I have a cursory reading relationship with all of these authors, but this program made me want to return to them, devour and savor each of their collected works, and then relisten to the podcast. It makes me want to write my thoughts down and send them to the interviewees, and add my own thoughts to the discussion.

In short, it makes me want to be a better person.

It reminds me of what I love about higher education - the passion for ideas and the insight that comes with intellectual discourse. If only there was a way to have experience that without experiencing the soul-sucking bureaucracy known as the Registrar’s office.

Oh wait, there is a way for this to happen. It is called listening to this podcast.

Podcasts I Like: Professional Podcasts

Part of the entire appeal of podcasting is that it is relatively cheap to become a home audio producer. Plus there is the whole community aspect to it – you don’t know who your next-door neighbors are, but there are about 30 or so podcasters who regularly check in with you.

This is all nice, but a quick glance at the iTunes Top Ten Podcasts shows you that professionally produced podcasts dominate the market. Some of them are existing radio shows being distributed on the internet, and some of them are from existing media empires branching out into the world of podcasting. Either way, they set the standard for what podcasts should aspire to.

So I decided to list out all of my favorite podcasts created by major media outlet. I’m putting This American Life and all of the news podcasts (even the fake news podcast from The Onion) I listen to are in a little penalty box. Seriously, they do not need me to blog about them to get more listeners.

1. Slate / Slate Explainer – I never read Slate Magazine before they started doing podcasts. (And, to be honest, the main reason I first subscribed to the podcast was because Slate has a column about neat podcasts to listen to.) Every day, the podcast presents either an article reading or discussion about a news item. And on Fridays, they have a political gabfest.

2. On the Media – My second favorite NPR program (next to This American Life). It is a media program about the media. Sounds like a potential for a navel-gazing mess, doesn’t it? But it is not, it is one of the most insightful programs about what it is like to live a mediated existence.

3. Left, Right, and Center – Every Friday, I get a one-two punch of this political talk show and the Slate Political Gabfest. Does it make me smarter? No. Does it make me understand politics more? Not really. Does it make me keenly aware how most pundits are more personality then principle? You betcha. You can also make a drinking game out of how many times there are screaming talking heads on a show that claims to be an antidote to screaming talking heads.

4. Creative Screenwriting – If you’ve ever aspired to be a screenwriter, this is the podcast to listen to. Basically, it is a one-on-one conversation with a screenwriter about a completed film. One of my favorite ones is the interview with Zac Penn discussing the script to X3: The Last Stand. Basically, he says that screenwriters on big-budget action films wind up being the logic police more than anything else. The director thinks it would be cool if such-and-such character fought such-and-such character so it is the screenwriter’s job to provide the motivation in a way that makes sense. Truly fascinating.

5. Fanboy Radio – It is so easy to love comics when you are listening to people who love comics.

50,000 words and you win!

Today is the first day of National Novel Writing Month.

Everyone should be encouraged to go out and write a 50,000 word novel, finish it by the end of the month, and send it to everyone for Christmas. That way, you have a novel, your friends and family all have gifts, and once everyone notices the sheer number of typos, you will all have something to laugh about for years.

No, I'm not writing a novel this month, but I AM planning on writing a screenplay this month. I just got wind of a new writing contest and am psyching myself up for it.

Even When there is No Homework, I Make Homework

I recently attended a series of coffee classes at White Rock Coffee (hands down the BEST COFFEE SHOP in the Dallas area).

The owners were kind enough to let me bring my camcorder and film the classes, so I made a little video about the class. And here it is...

It is all about how the information is presented…

I have an addiction to comic books.

Ten to fifteen years ago, I started spending on the average of $150 to $250 a month on comics. I did not see this as a problem, even in the time period where I would sometimes choose comics over the weekly pizza that would stretch out over at least four days.

Then I got married, and my wife pointed out to me that I was buying the comics three times each – once when they came out in the monthly serialized format, once again when they came out in a collected paperback version, and a third time when they came out in a slick, hardcover version. The marriage mandate was that I only could buy a comic once. And now I have a nice collection of sweet, sweet artistic-looking hard covers and a little more storage space than I had before.

I was still spending over $100 a month on these hard covers, but didn’t see that as a problem, because it wasn’t like the old days when I spend $250 a month.

Recently, I switched from swinging by the comic book store to pick up my books to having them mailed to my doorstep. And now that I see the manifests, I discovered that I get about 29 pounds of comics a month.

29 pounds.

For whatever reason, showing me the amount of money I spent on comics, or showing the amount of square footage the comics take up in the house didn’t impress me as much as the sheer weight of these books.

29 pounds.

I have a problem. For years people have been telling me that this is a problem, but it hasn’t sunk in until now. Because money is one thing but weight is something else entirely.

29 pounds.

Whoa.

Looks like I Placed Third...

Ah well.

There is always the next photo caption contest.

Why I Could Never Run for Office

It looks like I'm in the top 20 of a Huffington Post Write the Caption for this Photo Contest. Because everyone is voting in the comments thread, I keep checking the post every three and a half minutes, just to see if more people are voting for me. And what do you know? Some people are.

Watching the voting process in action is quite nerve-wracking. More than I thought possible.

So I signed up for a Flickr Account...

It looks like I was able to post few pictures from the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure this morning.

Christmas Gift Idea

Ok, I saw this on one of the science blogs I read.

But, truly, we are scraping the bottom of the barrel when we need stuffed pee and poo.

Test test test

Ok, so in my spare time I'm producing an educational podcast. I'm doing things a little differently behind-the-scenes wise, and need to tweak things here and there.

So I'm putting out this test file to see if this works.

Pay no attention to this post.

Podcasts I Like: Techie Podcasts

Remember how you searched for the word “the” on Google and got over 15,470,000,000 responses? Ok, when you search for technology-related podcasts, you will get about twice that number.

Narrowing it down to five was difficult, and I might get some heat because three of the five come from CNET. Sorry folks, CNET does some really great work. They deserve every bit of kudos the world has to offer.

These techie podcasts reflect more of my particular sensibilities, too. They are geeky, but still accessible for tha layman with interest in the shiny fandangle world of the internets. Many of these podcasts also focus on the business and politics of technology, which can be even more interesting than eloquent code.

1. Buzz Out Loud from CNET – This is the news of the day bundled with commentary and snark. What really makes this (and all of CNET’s podcasts, really) stand out from the crowd is the combination of vibrant personalities and the awareness that the audience is going to be a mix of super-techies and non-techies. You don’t have to be an electrical engineer to “get” the show – it works on the layman’s level as well. Plus 2/3 of the people on the shows are ladies who like technology. Anthropologists should listen to this show just to observe the peek into internet-based gender relations. (My favorite moments are the occasional bits of pleading centered around “Stop the marriage proposals.”)
2. Slashdot Review – Andy McCasky reads the headlines from Slashdot, and adds an occasional piece of commentary. This is a great, brief dash of technology news that is perfect for driving to work.
3. One Minute Tip – It is very rarely exactly one minute long, but this podcast contains a little, “nice to know” tip on a weekly basis. Most of the tips focus on iTunes, Photoshop, and Macintosh issues, but every once in awhile, other topics are discussed.
   
4. Tech News from News.com – This is like Buzz Out Loud minus the snark and commentary. Just the news, with an occasional reporters roundtable. If anything, it should fill aspiring podcasters with hope, because at least once a week, they blow a line and have to start over.
5. The Real Deal from CNET – Oh, how I love this podcast. Not necessarily because every podcast is a real winner, but because whenever someone asks me about a popular form of technology, all I have to do is refer him or her to this podcast for a high-level overview of the topic. Say your mom wants to start a blog, just send her to the Real Deal blog podcast. Say your uncle wants to know the lowdown on Ubuntu, send him to the Real Deal podcast about Ubuntu. Directing people to this podcast will make your non-techie pals happy they came to you, but without you going to all that effort of directly helping them.
   

Podcasts I Like: Home-Grown Podcasts

In theory, I run a podcast on this blog. I haven’t made an entry in awhile, but that doesn’t mean I’m not involved in the podcast community. Mainly, my participation is limited to listening. And sometimes, like in this and the next few blog entries entries, I list them out for the world to see.

I’ve divided my main list into categories for easy consumption. This list is comprised of my favorite home-grown podcasts. These are podcasts started by people not associated with the mass media industry. Some are more professional sounding with others, but all contain the goodness of regular people taking the power of media into their own hands.

1. Filmspotting / Reel Reviews – I love movies, and these are the two best movie podcasts out there. Filmspotting is the better of the two, primarily because it comes out on a regular basis and it is more of a conversation about current films rather than a monologue/gush about one particular film.
2. Rocketboom – This is a Monday to Friday daily video podcast starring Joanne Colan. To be completely honest, I had not even heard of it until the original hostess, Amanda Congdon, left the show in a flurry of publicity. The show is fairly random, focusing on “whatever we discovered that is neat today.” There is some techie news, some political news, some internet news, and some silly stuff (like Joanne wandering around Central Park asking people to dance a waltz with her).
3. AlterEgo / Comic Pants – These are both podcasts by a bunch of guys in a comic shop and it sounds like… like a bunch of guys hanging out in a comic shop. These podcasts are about an hour long each and are really fun for the niche market that is the uber goober crowd.
4. Winecast – Tim Elliott loves to talk about wine, and his passion inspires me to care more about wine. This podcast has a special place in my heart, because through it, I found my favorite winery – Humanitas Wines.
5. Thing a Week – Jonathan Coulton puts out a song a week, more or less. For whatever reason, I forgot to include him in my monster music blog entry. There is some really great stuff here.

Next entry – tech podcasts!

Where did you hear that?

I don’t listen to radio anymore, and if on the odd chance I do, I listen to talk radio (primarily NPR). But I like finding out about new music. So where are some good places for internet-savvy folk?

Aquarium Drunkard (Aquarium Drunkard MySpace)

Good: Great music posted on a blog. Almost every day, at least two mp3s turn up. There is a little bit of everything in there, whether it be contemporary or classic rock. Most of the music is of the rock/pop variety – very little classical-classical or jazz.

Bad: Despite the fact it has an RSS feed – for whatever reason iTunes doesn’t “see” the mp3 files. You have to go to the webpage and manually download the songs. PLUS, I have NO IDEA how they get away with it. I keep expecting one day to find the website shut down with a little note saying “You came to this website – we’re coming for you NEXT!”

Format: mp3

Frequency: Random, but often

Time: One song at a time

Dallas Does Indie (Dallas Does Indie MySpace)

Good: A nice mix of independent artists, put together in one big sound file. It is like an alternarock mixtape, with the occasional piece from Louis Armstrong or other vintage jazz or blues artist.

Bad: Sometimes the episode is a repeat – but that isn’t all that bad, really.

Format: Podcast

Frequency: Weekly

Time: About 30 minutes

Coverville

Good: One of the best theme-based music podcasts. Brian Ibbott is one of the most personable podcasters out there. This is truly Brian's love, and that shines through. Usually, there are six songs per show, and sometimes there is a thematic link between the songs.

Bad: Brian says um a lot. You may choose to think of this as a charming foible.

Format: Podcast

Frequency: Two to three times a week

Time: Thirty minutes to an hour

Not Lame Podcast

Good: Coverville’s Brian Ibbott puts together a list of catchy power pop songs for people to listen to. He chats between songs and is seems less like a podcast than like a cool friend playing you some choice tracks from his CD collection.

Bad: One of my buddies says you can make a drinking game out of how many times Brian says a song sounds like it was influenced by Elvis Costello.

Format: Podcast

Frequency: Sorta Monthly

Time: Thirty to forty-five minutes

NPR's Song of the Day

Good: Oh how I love it when people with great taste pass along good music. If I haven’t liked the song, I have at least respected it as a representation for a genre.

Bad: This is all streamed media so you have to go to the NPR website and click the “Listen” button. You can’t download or load up your.mp3 player with this music. There are no links to the iTunes listing for the song, the Amazon listing for the album or the artist’s web site.

Format: Streaming

Frequency: Updated Daily

Time: One pop song length

NPR’s “All Songs Considered” Podcast.

Good: Full-on live concerts from beginning to end. Usually about an hour’s worth of music.

Bad: All the problems with live recording – the sound quality isn’t always the best. The crowd cheering and singing along tends to dominate the music. Sometimes the concerts are not mixed well (in particular, the drums tend to drown out the singer). In between song banter isn’t always entertaining. Because it is an hour, the file size is really, really large.

Format: Podcast

Frequency: Sorta Weekly

Time: One concert – usually a half-hour to an hour

KUT’s Austin Music Minute

Good: Austin is a great place for live music. Every day, KUT gives the equivalent of a one-minute shout-out to a band.

Bad: Sometimes one minute just isn’t enough. Right when the song gets good, the podcast ends. This is essentially a commercial for a live show playing somewhere in Austin.

Format: Podcast

Frequency: Daily Monday through Friday

Time: One minute EXACTLY

KUT’s Radio witout Borders Live Music Podcast

Good: A nice mix of local and national acts playing live in KUT’s studios.

Bad: The fidelity of the recordings isn’t the best because KUT’s recording equipment is just average. But this is incredibly nitpicky.

Format: Podcast

Frequency: Weekly

Time: About half an hour

New York Times Popcast

Good: The staff of the New York Times do what they do in the paper – interview bands and review albums. Only this time, it is an audio version and it includes snippets from the songs so you can hear when they’re talking about when they tell you Jessica Simpson’s new album is “total crapola.”

Bad: Like all music critics, these people are very opinionated and occasionally very, very wrong. Also, you don’t get whole songs as much as song snippets with critics talking over them.

Format: Podcast

Frequency: Weekly

Time: About 15 to 20 minutes.

Dallas Observer Music Blog

Good: Full mp3s of Dallas-based musicians that are posted willy-nilly in the Dall Observer’s blog.

Bad: Not updated regularly and can’t sync up with a podcast reader like iTunes. You have to read the blog entry (which may or may not be related to the song) and then manually download the song.

Format: mp3

Frequency: Whenever they feel like it

Time: One song at a time

AcidPlanet

Good: Lots of electronic music strung together for hours.

Bad: Lots of electronic music strung together for hours.

Format: Podcast

Frequency: Various – there are several different podcasts on the site, and they all say they are different, but to be completely honest, I cannot tell the difference between trance and emo and high-energy trip hop. It is all thump thump thump with some keyboards thrown in. It all sounds like the time Strong Bad made a techno song. The main reason I listen to these podcasts is to give me ideas on how to use the Sony Acid software package I own.

Time: Various, but most of them last an hour

Where I don’t go

MySpace

MySpace is a great place to connect with bands after you’ve found them, but it is not a good space to explore and find new bands. Here’s why – the MySpace player is fundamentally flawed. If you want to listen to a song, you cannot navigate away from the particular MySpace page without the song stopping. To be completely honest, what MySpace page merits 3 to 5 minutes worth of attention? Puh-leese.

The things I do for breasts...

Dear Friends and Family,

It is difficult to write about breasts.

Sure they’re everywhere, and I should really just be an adult about this, but I know my mom is going to read this email and quite possibly my in-laws. When I think of them reading an email of me rhapsodizing about mammary glands and then asking for money to keep them healthy, my hands lock up about two inches above the keyboard. Sorry, I’m just a little repressed about these things.

Ahem.

I’m trying not to be dirty about this, but breasts are absolutely wonderful, and healthy breasts are even better. There, I said it.

I could quote statistics, but we’ve heard them, and frankly dismissed them, before. I will share with you something better. Something real.

I have two ladies in my life who have struggled with breast cancer. One is in remission and doing great – she’s even walking in the race this year.

The other one went through the surgery, the chemotherapy, and everything… only to find that it didn’t work. She has to start over at square one now, with another surgery and another round of chemotherapy and another round of tests and… another everything.

It is tough. It is tough to see this and to live through this, and I’m just on the sidelines. When you let someone into your heart, you let in all the love they have to offer, but you also let in all their hurt. It bothers me that someone so good and so undeserving can hurt so much.

There has to be a better way to fight breast cancer. There has to be a cure that doesn’t hurt the body more than the sickness. We are capable of so much, we should be capable of finding something better. A cure for all cancers would be incredible; a cure for breast cancer be amazing, but something better than what we currently have… something better is well within our grasp.

So this is what I’m doing to make something better happen - I am walking 5 km in the Komen Dallas Race for the Cure on October 21, 2006. I will wear a T-shirt and will try my best to be a good husband and not to stare at all the breasts when I walk.

And this is what you can do - support in the form of a cash donation. You can skip the Grande Half-Caff Vanilla Latte one morning and send the $5.00 to the Komen foundation. You can put off that iPod purchase for another few months and send a few hundred dollars to the Komen foundation. Whatever you feel is appropriate, I will appreciate it. Your donation is tax-deductible, so you can’t beat that.

You can follow this link and make a donation…

http://www.komen-dallas.org/site/TR?pg=personal&fr_id=1010&px=1171686

…but if you distrust this internet, please send a donation to this address.

Komen Dallas Affiliate & Race for the Cure®

460 NorthPark Center

P.O. Box 12010

Dallas, TX 75225

I really appreciate time, your contribution, and your attention. You are such a good person.

Love the breasts,

M. Robert Turnage

Websites I Like: Daily Lit

Pretty simple, nifty idea.

Daily Lit takes classic pieces of literature in the public domain, divides them into daily portions, and emails them to you on a daily basis. Impress your friends by telling them how you're reading (or re-reading) books like Common Sense, The Republic, or Leaves of Grass.

Maybe now, your circle of friends will think it is cool that you want to continue educating yourself and will not try to beat you up for being such a nerd.

The Envy of Every Toy Collector

Toy Collectors everywhere bristle with envy over the attention Andrejz Jones recieved on the September 27th show of NPR's All Things Considered.

"What makes him so special?" they say. "Why does he get to be on a public radio show for doing what we do every time we pick up a toy?"

Then, they all cried.

Texan Spelling Lesson

Websites I Like: Marmaduke Explained

It isn't funny when you explain the joke. Unless, of course, it is a really bad joke.

And now...

Marmaduke Explained

Portfolio Piece - The Office Script

I found the secret to getting a promotion in corporate America - do the job for free for at least a year. Corporate guilt doesn't exist unless you possess numbers that shame, and the only way to get numbers is to get an annual comparison of some sort.

No one will listen to you until you have to have the ability to say, "Look at these numbers! I've been saving this company x amount of dollars for a year and haven't gotten compensated for it. I need a raise/promotion or I'll have to go someplace else that pays me what I'm worth."

This principle applies everywhere, especially in entertainment corporations. If you want to write for a TV show, the only thing you can do is write a spec script. Then you develop a portfolio of writing that is recognizable and exciting.

And since I practice what I preach, I'm including in this blog post a spec scrip for the popular television show, The Office.

The Office - "Vacation Day"

Making Lemonade IV - Not Suitable for Children

Most of my scripts stay in the safe comfortable PG to PG-13 area.

Not this one. You have been warned.

This screenplay has a long, rich history that I do now want to mull over right now. But here is the summary - I wrote this screenplay originally to submit to the Sundance Film Festival.

I am definitely not a fan of most of the product that comes out of Sundance. Sundance films tend to be dull and formuliac, but are stuffed full of unnecessary pedophilia, incest, or necrophilia in a desperate attempt to be "edgy."

So, I thought, as an artistic experiment, I would write a Sundance screenplay. It would be true to my particular voice, and deal with issues I care about, but somehow I could manage to cram all of that of Sundance nonsense into it.

So here you go.

Intimate Objects Screenplay

Making Lemonade III - Sour Grapes

I belong to this screenwriter's website where truly atrocious screenplays get defended by pretentious, condescending screenwriters. And every time I write a review along the lines of, "Dude, your screenplay shouldn't be about a dude who writes a screenplay and somehow, someway, the screenplay makes Catherine Zeta-Jones fall in love with him. If you do that, people will be able to dissect that meta-narrative pretty easily," I get a response that runs along the lines of, "Illiterate mongoloid! One day when you grow a vocabulary, you will begin to comprehend my genius. Sincerely, Cre8tive_Booger9928"

So it is a bit of a humbling when I write a screenplay I really like, but it doesn't even place in a short film screenplay contest. Because now I relate to the MonkeyDudes226es and the Cre8tive_Booger9928s of the world. The writer's arrogance flares up, and part of me wants to lash out at people who don't recognize the sheer genius of the work. Of course, the first step is simply acknowledging you have a problem.

Here's the downside - I didn't even get notes, so I don't know why they didn't pick the script. If it needs to be improved, fine. Tell me what you want and I'll make it better. But silence... sometimes silence is too much.

So what can I do about it except gripe in my blog about it?

Well, nothing. So there was the gripe, and here is the script.

Working Girl

Making Lemonade II - More lemonade...

I attend an art group, but I never seem to show up with material to present to the group.

So one afternoon before the meeting, I dashed off this short film screenplay. The art group seemed to like it, so I entered it in the Screenwriting Expo contest. It didn't make it to the quarterfinals, so- Hey look! I found some blog content.

The working title I had for this was, "Oceans 11, but with idiots." Because you don't rob a bank for the money, you rob a bank to get a woman to fall back in love with you.

Eight Days After screenplay

Making lemonade...

So there is this Screenwriting Expo going on in October. And they're giving away free passes to winners of this Screenwriting Expo writing contest.

Since I like free things, I entered four short film screenplays.

Sadly for me, none of them even placed. They didn't even make it into the top 25%.

Happily, they can now go onto the blog when I'm too busy to make a real entry.

So here you go, the screenplay for the short film Rough Draft.

Why English Majors Don't Win Trivia contests

I remember one time when I entered a trivia contest. The question was, "Name the secret link between 'Ghostbusters' and 'The Crow.' "

My answer was a 5000 word essay about how both films are meditations on the divided nature of mankind due to the separation of the genders, and how this separation keeps people from fully accessing the realm of the spirit. The two films, 'Ghostbusters' and 'The Crow,' explore this limited-ness inherent in human nature within the context of a life journey moving from a corporealworld to a spiritual one.

'Ghostbusters' takes a coarser, more sexually explicit approach, one that invokes pagan rituals and the bestial nature of mankind. In order to open a gate to another world, the cheap Freudian symbols of Key Master (as a representative for the archetypal masculine) and Gate Keeper (as a representative for the archetypal feminine) have to join together, become beasts, and then open a portal to another spiritual world. By doing so, the physical world is threatened with extinction by an androgynous being without apparent gender - Gozer the God who first appears as a glam rock star, but then assumes the gender-neutral form of the Stay Pufft Marshmallow Man. The film mixes the Puritan sexual anxiety (i.e. a fear of punishment) with a bawdy sense of anything goes. The tension between these two forces is presented to a humorous effect.

'The Crow' on the other hand is more about the purification of the masculine spirit by systematically removing the anger and hatred residing within it. Once the masculine half is ritualistically purified through violence, the feminine half appears, as if a gift from heaven, joins with the masculine soul, and then guides him into the spiritual world.

Both films focus on masculinity, femininity, and spirituality, but each take different approaches. While 'Ghostbusters' takes more of a pagan approach, 'The Crow' is more steeped in high romanticism, justifying violence and revenge ultimately by the power of love. But despite these differences, both films reflect the mystery of the human existence and striving of the human soul for something spiritual.

The answer they were looking for was this:

Ernie Hudson was in both 'Ghostbusters' and 'The Crow.'

Needless to say, I did not win the contest.

Which is fine, because in retrospect, what would I have done with a 'Crow 2' poster, anyway?

Here's a video I wish I made...

Oh, ho it is so easy to love the good folks at www.loadingreadyrun.com.

Ann Richards, Rest in Peace

There are many litmus tests that designate Texans from non-Texans. Here’s one - how do you refer to Ann Richards. People who call her “Former Governor Ann Richards” are not Texans. Real Texans equate the Governorship as a lifetime appointment. Even though she hasn’t served in office for years, Texans still call her Governor Ann Richards.

I had the pleasure of hearing her speak once at the Texas Book Festival. Well, not really speak so much as invite us to pull up a chair and listen to her tell stories. She talked about Miriam A. “Ma” Ferguson, Texas’ first female governor. Apparently, in the 1920s, there was a heated debate about bilingual education. Ma Ferguson stomped her feet and put an end to the debate with the proclamation, “If the English language was good enough for Jesus Christ, the English language is good enough for the good children of Texas.”

Texas breeds characters. We aren’t the smartest, or the best, but we are the most distinctive. We know a good joke and we know how to tell a good tall tale. Set aside politics, set aside ideology, and you have Texas grit. And that is what I will remember the most about Our Governor – she was truly a Texan.

She was larger than life.

Listen Up Follow-Up: Fidelity Video

Really nice art direction throughout. Very simple and elegant.

Listen Up: In the Clouds

Growing up in the 70s, my first musical memories are all of disco and muskrat love. Most of my adult life has been spent cultivating taste and conquering the impulses that tell me the finest moment in human musical achievement is “More than a Woman.”

So when I say that Under the Influence of Giants is a Bee Gees for a new generation, it is not necessarily a compliment. Even though it is totally true.

The song “In the Clouds” is a perfect example of the band’s particular form of retro musical power. Striking the bad boy pose with the line, “I like the morning after pill, hello!” the song follows up with these sweet lyrics.

“I want to f___ you in the fire, yeah.

I want to hold you til you breathe no more.”

Nothing quite says, "I love you," like immolation and suffocation. You would think that if the singer finds a partner who doesn’t mind being on the receiving end of such affection, the rest of the song would be just a series of joyful proclamations. Hooray! I found someone as messed up as me and somehow, some way, we are perfect for each other.

But no… instead we get to the chorus and we hear:

“Let me have my doubts.

Let me work it out.

Don’t you take it personal.”

So, after a rousing evening of fire f___ing and erotic asphyxiation, you get to hear “And on top of all that, I’m just not into you.” Niiiiice.

The only way a band like this can get away with saying something like this if the dark edge of the lyrics is mixed with a heckuva lot of musical charm. And, like Outkast’s meditation on punctuation in “Hey Ya!” (“Don’t want to meet your momma / just want to make you comma”), Under the Influence of Giants somehow manages to present something offensive with a cheer and a groove that makes you not care at all.

The only thing that could save lyrics like this is some sweet music, and, indeed, the music rises to the occasion. A funky, thumping beat drives the song and practically transforms you into an extra in the cast of “Zoolander.” It makes you want to dance and prance, to primp and pose. Decades of cultivated taste just wash away as the doom-doom-doom of disco fills the senses.

So I find myself in a position where I wind up saying, “Yeah, it has offensive posturing, and yeah, I can see how it could offend someone. But, man, this song rocks!” Because it does. Besides, rock and roll is all about offending sensibilities whether you are Gene Simmons offending mothers everywhere or Phil Collins offending fans of Gene Simmons. The best thing to do it just sit back and enjoy the ride.

There was a real energy in the music of the seventies that has been mixed up with the cultural trappings of the decade. The music of Under the Influence of Giants manages to capture the essence of that style of music while separating it from the bell bottoms and flared hair of the time. The song is exciting, vibrant, and definitely worth a listen.

Under the Influence of Giants homepage

Under the Influence of Giants MySpace page (listen to In the Clouds and other music here)

In the Clouds – iTunes

Under the Influence of Giants – Amazon.com

Under the Influence of Giants – iTunes

Brilliant Song, Brilliant Concept, Brilliant Execution, Brilliant Video

Listen Up: Fidelity

Regina Spektor holds up the raw sounds of her songs and examines them, showing off little nuances you would have never thought of. In The Ghost of Corporate Future, she advises the listener to drink a lot less coffee or even lick a rock. This fascination with raw sensuality (not necessarily sexual, just living fully within your senses) makes her musical escapades so fun to listen to. She takes a musical phrase or syllable and repeats it, putting different emphasis on the tones or forming the words with different accents. This kind of noise experimentation seems more suited for late night coffee houses and art classes, but Regina Spektor merges this experimentation with pop music. Catchy, fun, accessible pop music.

In her songs, she works in such oddities as clicking noises in the back of her throat or the rhythmic beating of a stick on concrete, but still the result is pure pop. Each of her songs begs a degree of scrutiny, and each one merits a mini essay.

I chose to write about Fidelity for a number of superficial reasons – it happens to be the first song on her new album, Begin to Hope. It is also one of the better examples of Ms. Spektor’s brand of experimental music/radio playable pop, and, finally, it has a music video I happen to like.

The song begins with the words “Shake it up,” and then crisp, staccato strings and a thumping bass line that invoke both classical music and hip hop. When Ms. Spektor’s voice begins, she sounds delicate and thin with the words, “I’ve never loved nobody fully, but then quickly disturbs this image with an accented, accented pronunciation of the word “ground.” If the opening beats don’t hook the ears, this vocal trick certainly will.

She quickly begins to draw parallels between insanity, being in love, and the creative process as a whole, leading up with the lines:

I hear in my mind all of these voices.

I hear in my mind all of these words.

I hear in my mind all of this music.

And it breaks my heart.

At this point the song reaches the rich, sensual world of Regina Spektor, as she repeats the “breaks my heart” line repeatedly, but never in the same way twice. The word “heart” can be anywhere from one to fourteen syllables. The accent can be vaguely Eastern European or vaguely Brooklyn. The song, having hooked you at the beginning, takes you on a journey through the sheer joy of making joyful noises.

The song performs a similar sonic experiment moments later, this time with the word, “better.” Are the “t” noises hard or soft? Is the ‘e’ noise at the beginning in the top of the mouth or the back of the throat? Is the emphasis on the first syllable or the second? The answer is always yes yes and yes. The power of music can be anything and everything.

The song concludes with Ms. Spektor rocking back and forth on the meter, letting you know that not only does “it BREAK my heart” but that “it breaks my HEART.” Yes, a heart is broken, but now we can all share in the joy that was trapped inside it.

Regina Spektor homepage (view the video here, listen to the music here, too)

Regina Spektor MySpace page (listen to Fidelity and other music here)

Fidelity – iTunes

Begin to Hope – Amazon.com

Begin to Hope – iTunes

Zoe, the Aggressively Cute Baby, Just Won You Over

Zoe, the Aggressively Cute Baby, Goes to the Renaissance Faire

Zoe, the Aggressively Cute Baby, Isn't Buying that Load of Bull

Zoe, the Aggressively Cute Baby, Meets the Distorto Mirror!

Zoe, the Aggressively Cute Baby, Flashes Her Gang Sign

Why Doesn't Martha Stewart Decorate with Severed Heads?

Commercial Idea

Advertisers! Feel free to use this idea for your 30-second commercial spot.

We’re at a rock concert, and the guitar is reaching the meeley meeley meeley meeeeee point. You know, this is the part in the set where the guitarist starts picking the strings way up on the guitar neck.

The camera focuses on an old, hippie-type guy, a little scraggly and a little unwashed. He holds up a lighter to the music. His body language is a little “been there, done that.” He is tired and going through the motions. He is old and tired and wondering a little, “Why do I still come to these things?”

He turns his head, sees something, and his mouth drops open with astonishment and wonder. He looks up. The person next to him, who is younger, cleaner, cooler, and into the music, raises his hand, but instead of a lighter, this person has a cellphone. A glowing, shiny cellphone.

The camera tracks away from the old guy and moves down the row of concert goers. All of the audience members are holding up cellphones instead of lighters. The camera swings around and now shows what the audience looks like from the band’s perspective – a sea of shining cellphone lights.

As the music reaches a groovy crescendo, this image fades out, and up fades the corporate logo and the current corporate catchphrase. (Examples: “Express yourself.” Or “The future is hear.” Or “Now you know what happened to Glass Tiger – they’re so hard up for money, they’ll do this commercial.”

***

I have thought about getting into advertising, but the fact is that even though I could do great work from a creativity perspective, I do not have the personality that thrives in an ad agency environment. This is a fancy way of saying I have a sense of right and wrong, the kiss of death to any good advertising career.

The idea for this commercial came during a recent concert when everyone raised their cellphones to the band. At first I thought, “cellphones are the new lighters?” but then I realized that the audience was just trying to snap a good picture of the band.

It was a striking image, and I thought any technology/telecommunications conglomerate would love to use this in their ads. I don’t really want there to be a cellphone conglomerate, but I know they’ll come up with some sort of cool name and I’ll overlook all their misdeeds. Here’s one Verizon + Nokia + Cingular = Ver-ki-gular. It sounds like something Winnie the Pooh would say - Beware the Verkigular!

Anyway, part of me wanted to see this idea made real. So rather than updating a resume, getting a job at an ad agency, hiring a film crew, and getting this image into a commercial of some sort, I would rather just make a blog entry and move on to the next idea.

Tech support

And yet, I am still thirsty...

Pure Genius

I find the most amazing things on the Inernet.
Like this Photoshop Contest that challenged people to create unusual snacks. And, like most things in life, the entries that I think should win get something like honorable mention.

Seriously, don't you think this:



Or this:



Is better than this?

Subtle message, eh?

Jammin'

Snakes on a Paper Plane

Candlelight Dinner

The Lady in Red

Is it my breath?

Where am I?

Heavy drinker

We ask the big questions here

Friendly coworkers

Oh, how I covet...

I am the only member of my family that doesn't own a totally excellent digital camera and a photoblog. To be honest, though, buying a niiiice digital camera is waaaaay out of line with my current cashflow situation. So I'm going to have to make do with my camera phone.


So expect to see pictures of inanimate objects or anything that can hold still for the 10 seconds it takes for my camera phone to record an image that is not blurry.

Today's pic - Paperwork!

Let’s Reinforce Every Negative Stereotype While We’re At It

Three stories about writers.

First Story

My first job in Corporate America was for a technical writing consulting firm. During the orientation, my boss told me, “We have great benefits because the company was founded by writers. Basically, we’re all hypochondriacs and all write excellent complaint letters.”

Second Story

When I applied to college, the admissions packed gave me three essay topic choices. I responded with three essays with a note saying, “Thank you for the opportunity to make a choice. I now return the favor.” Two of the essays were written for laughs, talking about how I want to go to this college because I heard it was mobbed up and I wanted a career as a hit man or how my sense of consumer’s remorse was going to lead me to work in a sneaker factory in the Far East once I graduated. I wrote one essay about how important writing was to me, and how most forms of communication (like speaking) didn’t quite work for me, but give me words on a page, and I feel a sense of competency I lack in every other area of my life.

It was sincere.

It was heartfelt.

It stunk.

I showed the essays to a few friends, soliciting opinions. In a very real sense, I was litmus-testing them. If they could pick out the right essay, the serious, sincere, and heartfelt one, they had taste. Of course, no one picked that one because it wasn’t funny, and it didn’t connect with anyone unless they were also earnest and sincere about writing. In that case, they were only reading the work so they could tear it apart.

Third Story

In college, there was a Journalism professor who began every Journalism 101 class with this joke: “What’s the difference between a Journalism major and an English major? A Journalism major writes something every day, and every day, the Journalism major’s work is read and enjoyed by thousands of people. English majors spend years – YEARS – writing one little dissertation, which will be ready by ten people, and the only reason those ten people are reading this dissertation is because they want to disprove it.

***

I was thinking about stereotypes of writers. Of neurotic, shrill, obsessive writers. I’m always keenly aware of these because it is easy for me to fall into them. I try not to be overly protective about my work, to be overly hostile towards constructive criticism, or to be overly obsessed about the oddest things.

My latest obsession is Trigger Street.

For those of you who don’t know, Trigger Street is a website for aspiring film makers and screenplay writers. You join the community, read, view, and review submitted works, and then, after you’ve participated in the community for awhile, you get to submit your own work for approval. Basically, it is a writer’s mosh pit, with only a few pieces of work get to be the dude who surfs around on the hands of the other rabid moshers.

When I joined the website, I had to agree to a bunch of conditions. I must be encouraging. I must refrain from crude or language. I must not taunt the writer because the writer is an emotionally fragile being.

So far, however, all the website has done is reinforce all my negative stereotypes of writers. I read and reviewed a screenplay about a guy who visits a lake house community full of women who all are attracted to him and love him, even though no one knows who he is and even though has sex with a sixteen-year-old on a picnic table in full view of several major characters. No one cares, because he is just that charming. Then I read a screenplay about a screenplay writer who becomes a King of Hollywood and has a major motion picture actress fall in love with him. This all happens in less than a month because he is just that lucky.

My reviews were as encouraging as possible, focusing on the minutiae, “That one line on page 27 was funny,” or, “You write like you know this region of the country very well” before I get to the big issues, “It doesn’t seem so much like a story as it does a check list of things you wish would happen to you.”

Needless to say, I got my first piece of hate mail in response to one of my reviews. Ok, maybe “hate” is too strong of a word. Gripe mail. “Your review said I have sections of real snappy dialogue and then patches where the dialogue is slow and boring. Well, buddy, that is how REAL LIFE IS. I am a brilliant writer because I’m able to capture REAL LIFE so well. One day when you’re a real writer, you will understand how it is. Sincerely, MonkeyDude227”

(And, no, the email does not say that word-for-word. Even though there are quote marks, I’m embellishing for dramatic purposes.)

Getting gripe mail usually bums me out, but fortunately, Elaine Liner, the Theater Critic from the Dallas Observer, has been writing great little missives from a Theater Critics Camp. Sure, they reinforce all sorts of negative writer stereotypes, but you know what? They’re funny.

Day 1

Day 2

Days 3 through 9

Day 10

Last Acts

Everyone else is linking to it, why can't I?

Here's a popular video making its rounds on the Internet.

A higher quality version can be found here:

http://www.devilducky.com/media/48608/

Speaking of Scripts

One of the ways to break in as a television writer is to write a spec script of an existing show. I don’t really dream of a career in television writing, but I am tempted to write a spec script for the show Arrested Development because – hey – it sounds like fun. Yes, the show is cancelled and, yes, I haven’t seen the third season, but there is no other TV show out there that comes close to matching my writing style.

Television sit-com scripts have all sorts of rules to them. They have to be 22 pages with at least three jokes on a page. The pacing of Arrested Development is so off, though, that there can be as many as five or six jokes per page. And most of these jokes aren’t really build up build up punch line, but instead just a continuous fire hose of nonsense. How to approach a script like this? I just started brainstorming odd scenarios. I scribbled all sorts of things on yellow sticky notes and left them in my cube at work.

Imagine my surprise when, coming back from a coffee break, I found a co-worker in my cube, looking at little yellow notes with phrases on them like, “Magic trick goes horribly wrong and Gob's skin is stained red,” “Tobias tries to get George Michael into male modeling,” “Buster writes a blog, not realizing that he is sending emails to the entire company” and “You are a pee laugher! PEE LAUGHER!!”

My co-workers don’t quite know what to make of me, now.

My greatest dream, darkest nightmare is that somehow I lose one of the sticky notes and it winds up on the Found Magazine website’s Find of the Day.

Motivation through Deadlines

No blog entries for at least a week because blog entries don’t have deadlines. And nothing motivates quite like a deadline.

July 24^th is the submission deadline for the Screenwriting Expo Screenplay Competition. When I survey the 98 unfinished screenplays on my hard drive, I found four short film scripts that can be polished and submitted by the deadline, so I’m focusing on those. If they don’t win or place, I’ll post the screenplays either on the blog or on Trigger Street. Or maybe I’ll produce them myself and just post the entire film.

Oh, the possibilities.

SALON-a-thon: What SALON does for Musicians

Bridging the gap between amateur and professional is difficult in any profession, especially an artistic one. Because art is dependent on human interactions, moving out of the practice room and in front of a crowd is a big step. For musicians making folk music, there are coffee shops and cafes a plenty. For aspiring rock stars, there are open mic nights at clubs and bars.

But what is there for the aspiring jazz or classical musician? Most jazz musicians performing have been doing it for a long, long time, and newcomers are out of their depth. Many classical musicians aren’t given open performance spaces. Occasionally there is a string quartet in a bookstore, but you’ll never see classical pianists or an opera singer.

SALON provides what a musical artists needs most to grow – an appreciative audience. Folk musician Nick Drake often complained about going on tour in smoky bars where people would be drinking and laughing and TALKING OVER THE MUSIC. At SALON, the audience members are there to listen.

Every SALON is filled with human interaction. Not only is there music for everyone to enjoy, but there is a friendly atmosphere where people can ask the musicians questions (“Why did you choose this song?” “Who are your influences?” etc.). Musicians seem to enjoy the experience, the attention, and the donations.

Tommaso Cogato is one such musician. A graduate student at Southern Methodist University, Tommaso was gracious enough to let us record him playing Chopin Ballades. Here he is performing No. 1 in g, op23.

The South Beach Diet Makes My Head Hurt

I am allergic to sugar.

Ok, I’m not really allergic, but my body reacts to sugar. And by react, I don’t mean it makes me hyper hyper hyper and until I bottom out and compact into in a quivering heap, only to wake up 30 minutes later with a craving for powdered donuts. I mean that sugar gives me headaches. Bad tension headaches that start at the base of my neck and work their way up and around my scalp.

This never happened until I went on the South Beach Diet.

I’m not bad-mouthing the South Beach Diet; I’m just saying that they need to be a little more explicit with the warning labels and side effects. Because this diet alters your body chemistry to the point where sugar hurts. In a very real sense, this is what all diets aspire to do, to stop motivating dieters through secondary re-enforcers (new clothes, people telling you how slim you look, school children stop taunting you with Eskimo pies, etc.) to primary re-enforcers (throbbing pain at the base of your skull 15 minutes after you eat a cream-filled eclair).

There are two big things about South Beachin’ that no one tells you. The first, and most important, is that it mucks around with your body chemistry. The first couple of weeks on the diet (what the diet book calls ‘purging’) is just about painful. And the diet doesn’t pull any punches; it tells you you’re going to be in for a rough time. Your body chemistry changes and the transition from one state to another takes it toll. What the diet book doesn’t tell you is that when you fall off the wagon by re-introducing sugars and carbs into your diet, your body goes through that transition all over again, but into the other direction. And, in my case, headaches happen.

This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does make you keenly aware how much sugar is in everything, and how the new and improved South Beach body doesn’t like swimming in it.

The other big secret about the South Beach Diet is that all of the recipes cost you about 400 calories. What I mean is this – all of the recipes are labor intensive. There is chopping and cutting and pressing and sautéing and roasting and blending and sprinkling and serving and… finally… the eating two bites before collapsing out of exhaustion. There are no shortcuts or cooking cheats in these recipes, and absolutely no way to sneak in a little microwave use to make things easier.

My guess is that someone thought it would be great to combine an exercise regimen into the diet and just not tell anyone. So they worked daily exercises into the recipes. The diet hooks you with the promise of every meal being an order meat with a side of meat, and then it tricks you into chopping celery 2 hours a day.

I don’t understand why diet books feel this need to be sneaky. They should be upfront about what they’re promising to do, and then capitalize on it. Can you imagine diet books named “The Sugar Hurts Diet” or “Simmer to Slimmer : A Collection of Calorie-Burning Cooking Exercises.” Best sellers, all the way.

The downside of thinking along these lines is, of course, making up diets just to be creative. Because diets are all kind of absurd to begin with, it is only a slight veer from the world of “eat right and exercise” to the world of “silly.” I used to joke about the soon-to-be-released Lose Your Appetite: HR Geiger’s Ultimate Weight Loss Book until too many people believed that it was a real product. Dieting has become an art form. I can imagine an art school instructor giving the aspiring performance artists a "Create and Market a Diet" assignment right after the "Cover Yourself with Peanut Butter and Insects and Scream for 10 Minutes" assignment.

Ooo! Ooo! Or how about a Diet Reality TV show? People lose weight by performing outlandish meal preparation tasks? This wild gazelle recipe only works on Pike’s Peak where the atmospheric pressure is different. Our contestants must scale Pike’s Peak, wrestle a gazelle to the ground, dress it, and put it in the pressure cooker before the kids come home from school. Can they do it in time? Find out, after these messages!

Whoa. I just read what I wrote. Maybe I need to lay off the sugar.

Listen Up: Hide and Seek

As we move from a more organic culture to a more electronic one, it is interesting to hear how electronic distortion can be mixed with something as intimate and personal as the human voice. So many times pop songs get you with the hooks. The song Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap gets you with the sound of it.

To call the song a cappella would be misleading. Although there is no instrumentation other than a faint piano plunking at the song’s closing, the vocals are so distorted, layered, and modulated that they act like a new musical instrument. This makes the song not only listenable, but interesting. In pop music, it is becoming increasingly rare to be confronted with new sounds. So it is a wonder when confronted with the simple and strange sound of the human voice. It is so versatile and surprising that each new phrase fills the listener with delight.

For the most part, the lyrics can be taken or left. They merely describe fragmented scenes of desolation and loss. Normally something like this would be bothersome, but, in this case, the lyrics seem just as lost in the world of sound as the listener is.

Until the climax of the song, that is, when everything becomes clear and the singer confronts the listener.

mm what d'ya say?

that you only meant well, well of course you did

this it's all for the best, of course it is

that it's just what we need, you decided this?

what did you say?

This rush of emotion, confrontational in a half-mocking tone, moves the song from goodness to greatness. The delivery is incredible and the ending is perfectly haunting. Well worth a listen.

Listen Up blog Entries focus on one song. They include links to the song, either in iTunes or directly to an .mp3 file.