Too Much Time On My Hands

The Worst Story I Have Ever Written

2011-10-22T21:15:00.003-05:00

He blamed his family, his upbringing.

How could he possibly live up. His oldest brother was a famous Sergeant known throughout the world. The attention was stifling.

To make it worse, there was also a famous Doctor in the family. All of that money, power, and luck concentrated in a single family proved almost too much to bear. Lightning had struck twice in the family, would it strike again.

He definitely saw it in his little sister. She was nicknamed Red because of her fiery personality, and many people avoided her. Even the ones who liked her had to admit she was a cultivated taste, a little outside the bell curve of appreciation.

His birth name was Fred, but because he was the black sheep of the family, he gained the nickname Black.

Black Pepper.

And he was wanted with assault.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays 2010!

2010-12-14T20:36:00.002-06:00

I am pretty sure I won't get back to the ol' blog until after the first of the year. So I thought I would break the internet in half with the sheer cuteness of this picture.

Hope everyone has a happy holiday season!

Some web comics I like

2010-11-03T20:51:00.002-05:00

There are two. One is Ferocious Introvert.

Seriously, this comic about the grilled cheese shame spiral is sublimely wonderful. Some really good stuff there.

The other one is Hark! A Vagrant. The Dracula comics made me laugh so hard, especially these two:

Repost from the FAIL blog - what I saw at the Halloween store

2010-10-31T15:19:00.000-05:00

see more funny videos

Day 30 of 30 - Blogger's Choice

2010-10-30T08:39:00.004-05:00

Long Way Home by Tom Waits

Well I stumbled in the darkness,
I'm lost and alone
Though I said I'd go before us
And show the way back home
There a light up ahead
I can't hold onto her arm
Forgive me pretty baby but I always take the long way home

Money's just something you throw
Off the back of a train
Got a head full of lightning
A hat full of rain
And I know that I said
I'd never do it again
And I love you pretty baby but I always take the long way home

I put food on the table
And roof overhead
But I'd trade it all tomorrow
For the highway instead
Watch your back if I should tell you
Love's the only thing I've ever known
One thing for sure pretty baby I always take the long way home

You know I love you baby
More than the whole wide world
You are my woman
I know you are my pearl
Let's go out past the party lights
Where we can finally be alone
Come with me and we can take the long way home
Come with me, together we can take the long way home
Come with me, together we can take the long way home

Day 29 of 30 - Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

2010-10-29T08:38:00.002-05:00

I hope to live another year. Life is pretty good right now, and I always get a little nervous and neurotic when I am too fortunate for too long. Hopefully, I can just work through the nerves and enjoy being happy.

I want to be a good father to the Little Peach Pie in my life.

I want to finish the many many many sequels to my book I have sketched out.

I would like to make a short film, or have one of my scripts optioned or made into a film of some sort.

I would like to be in a place where I indeed have Too Much Time on My Hands so I can write an occasional blog entry.

I think that is enough for now.

Day 28 of 30 - This year, in great detail

2010-10-28T08:37:00.003-05:00

December 21st, 2009 - Margaret is born.

January and February - On paternity leave while taking care of the new baby. Take many pictures.

March - Go back to work. Get on a plane to California. Get elected to the board of the Dallas Screenwriters

April - Finish California assignment. Get a work from home assignment.

May - Finish a work from home assignment.

June - Back in California.

July - Going to Canada for work. Swim lessons with the kiddo begin.

August - Have interest expressed in one of my web series pitches. A producer and I have a series of phone calls and emails about this. A completely different producer expresses interest in a feature film pitch I sent her, and asks me to send her a copy of the completed script. However, I don't have a script, just the pitch. So I focus on writing the script.

September - Back in California for work. Do a lot of writing. Do some job interviewing, with mixed results.

October - Resign from my travel job in favor of a non-travel job. Take my kiddo to swim lessons. Finish that script from August, but the producer who showed interest has moved on. I now have a script for sale for any interested parties, and it is AWESOME! Also, in October, I completed a blog challenge.

Day 27 of 30 - This month, in great detail

2010-10-27T08:35:00.004-05:00

October -

I take the 30-day blog challenge. I don't like the "in great detail" command of the last week's worth of blog entries and instead decide to just brainstorm random facts about the month for one of the entries.

Sunday nights, I fly to Northern California (primarily San Francisco, but I go to Fresno and San Ramon as well). Thursday nights (and sometimes Friday mornings) I fly back to Dallas. I alternate my clothes so one week I am wearing browns, and the next I am wearing blacks. My dry cleaner loves the business.

Saturdays are swim lessons with the kiddo. She is teacher's pet, and one day I really want to post a video of her swimming. Some where in there I cook dinners.

On Friday the 8th, and 15th, I visit the site of my new job and get orientated. On Friday the 22nd, I am there full time. Also on that date, I give my exit interview at my old employer.

I shop for a Halloween costume for the kiddo. I am really disappointed in the options available for the 6 to 12 month age, and am really surprised at the over-sexualized children costumes in general. I am definitely a parent now, hissing slightly to myself that, "No daughter of mine is leaving the house wearing a 'Sexy Little Girl Devil' costume."

(I secretly suspect, based on these really terrible children costumes, that the Halloween stores only hire sex offenders and pedophiles. The employees certainly don't looks like happy people, especially considering they are surrounded by such morale-boosting merchandise like fake fangs and candy. I suppose, like rodeo clowns, they must be troubled souls, channeling their aggression and rage into a marginally acceptable career in the hopes that society will accept them for who they are. I would like to say that deep down inside, I accept them and that I am not one to judge. However, I AM one to judge. Sorry, you unhappy probable-pedophile Halloween store workers. That is how the candy corn crumbles. Some yokel with a blog judges you and says some terrible things to the five people who will read this. Never fear, he will probably apologize once he sobers up and realizes what a horrible mistake this entire paragraph was. Even though it is in parenthesis and should not be taken seriously. Bottom line - the Halloween store creeps me out. In more ways than one.)

I write at least one blog entry while drinking. (Hint: It was this one.) Then I rest. So ends October.

Day 26 of 30 - Your week, in great detail

2010-10-26T08:34:00.005-05:00

The Week of October 17th, 2010

Sunday - Play with the kiddo all morning. Fly to San Francisco. Realize I forgot to pack my toothbrush when I check into the hotel that evening. This revelation happens about 11pm San Francisco time, which is about 1am my body time.

Monday - Work. Get toothbrush. Drive to Fresno for work. Actually, this day is detailed in this blog entry.

Tuesday - Work. This is a big day on the job. We have two training classes, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. Lunch is fish tacos, which are delightful. That night, I slink off to see "The Social Network." I really like the film, particularly the sound design. I am upset that they still haven't figured how to apply make-up to people being films with those nifty RED cameras. This film looks better than "Zodiac" or "Mission Impossible 3," but there are still quite a few scenes where it is obvious all of the dudes are wearing rouge.

Wednesday - Drive from Fresno to San Ramon, where my company gives me a going away lunch. This week is my last week at my previous employer. I absolutely love my previous employer, and am grateful for the lunch. I spend the evening grading papers and writing reports about the training course.

Thursday - I finalize my work for the project I have been working on this week. I complete a series of documents and load them onto the network. I say good-bye to everyone. "I wish I had a chance to work directly with you," one co-worker says. My response? "Just imagine the best work experience you have ever had and project that feeling onto me."

Friday - Exit interview with old company, first full day with new company. The new company really appreciates the fact that I gave a two-weeks notice, but really wanted me to start immediately. So I have been doing some general onboarding and orientation for the past two weeks, which is more difficult than it sounds considering most of it was over the phone and with two time-zones between me and the company. Still, it is good to be at the new site. I get a badge and am, once again, disappointed in my badge picture.

Saturday - Day or rest. I take the kiddo to swim practice and then work on some coding for work. My Rock Band 3 keyboard comes in a few days early and I try it with Rock Band 2. It doesn't work, so I will just have to wait a few days until Rock Band 3 arrives. I make some mac and cheese casserole from this cookbook, and go to bed stuffed and happy.

The End

Day 25 of 30 - Your day, in great detail

2010-10-25T08:34:00.005-05:00

So here's my dirty little secret about this whole blog challenge -

I write the posts in advance and then schedule them to be published on the specific days. I started this in early September in anticipation of an October 30 deadline.

So, when I go into my day in great detail, it will not be today or yesterday. It will be Monday, October 18th.

Monday begins in Sunday for me. My 7pm flight to San Francisco from Dallas was delayed until 9pm. Which means by the time I get off the plane, get my luggage, ride BART to my hotel, and check in... it is 1230am Pacific time. This is 230am Central time.

So when I begin my Monday by snoozing the alarm for a full hour (from 6am to 7am), do not judge.

Between 7 and 8am, I get dressed and ready for work, drop by the bagel place for a bagel, go to the ATM and load up with cash for the week, and get to the office. While walking to work, I listen to the Creative Screenwriting podcast (the movie they discuss is RED).

At the office, I begin answering emails, submit an expense report, and begin revisions on one of my assignments (an end-of-course assessment I wrote has some feedback from a manager). Already, I have removed 2 items from my daily To Do List (Expenses, ATM run).

The next part of the day is prepping for the drive to Fresno (I have to be there Tuesday morning). I set up my Android phone to map me to the hotel. I print out a copy of the map, just in case. I go get on Facebook to make a "funny" comment on a screenwriter's status. (She wrote, If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing that I'd like to do is to _______" and I responded with "Mix it with some tequila and call the drink 'Hammer Time.'")

At 1030am, I make a run to Starbucks for a jolt of coffee, and I continue to work until noon, when I head towards the airport. I don't get on an airplane, but instead rent a car and drive to Fresno. On the drive, I listen to the audio book for "The Murder Room." The book is interesting, but a little fragmented. It doesn't have a story as much as a series of vingnettes. That is ok, though because it is a non-fiction that profiles several members of a club that solves crimes.

I check into the hotel and do a few more phone calls and emails. I have some friends who live about an hour outside of Fresno, and they graciously decide to visit me while I am in town. We have dinner and go shopping at Costco, where a nice older lady gave me cheese sticks.

After dinner we all go back to my hotel room, where we try to make each other laugh until about 10pm. Then my friends leave and I go to bed.

The End

Day 24 of 30 - Blogger's Choice

2010-10-24T08:29:00.004-05:00

Day 23 of 30 - A YouTube video

2010-10-23T08:27:00.001-05:00

Day 22 of 30 - A website

2010-10-22T08:25:00.003-05:00

I love short films, and the Everynone website features some really brilliant ones.

They are short, powerful montages that really show off the power of great cinematography and editing.

I found this site through the NPR show Radiolab, which occasionally features their films.

WORDS from Everynone on Vimeo.

Day 21 of 30 - A recipe

2010-10-21T08:25:00.001-05:00

From the Unibroue beer website.

Sautéed Shrimp with Beer and Cilantro

Beer : Blonde de Chambly
Ingredients
- 1½ cup peeled shrimp (fresh or thawed)
- ¼ cup Blonde de Chambly
- 1 red onion, finely chopped
- 1 red pepper, finely chopped
- 2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
- 2 tbsp. butter
- Fresh cilantro
- Lime (optional)
Directions
In a skillet, fry onion, garlic, and pepper in 1 tbsp. of butter for about ten minutes. In another skillet, sauté shrimp in the other tbsp. of butter. Once shrimp are fully cooked, add beer and reduce slightly. Add sautéed veggies to shrimp and beer mixture. Serve with fresh cilantro and a squeeze of lime juice.

Day 20 of 30 - A hobby of yours

2010-10-20T08:24:00.002-05:00

Screenwriting!

I have several scripts as well as some pleasant inquiries from producers. I am also on the board of the Dallas Screenwriters Association. For what I consider a reasonable fee, I can review your script and give notes. For an even larger, yet reasonable fee, I can help you write your script.

I also have a book of screenplays available here.

Day 19 of 30 - A talent of yours

2010-10-19T08:23:00.002-05:00

I prepare food.

Not this food, but I have cooked up some stuff in the past.

I will also let you know that I have this rare and unusual talent to make food that tastes AMAZING but always winds up looking like a big pile of slop. Like when I make polenta (like the type pictured above), it never holds together enough to stack it up. But it tastes good.

So... yeah... This is my talent.

Day 18 of 30 - Blogger's Choice

2010-10-18T08:22:00.001-05:00

Day 17 of 30 - An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

2010-10-17T08:22:00.002-05:00

By James Michael Starr

Day 16 of 30 - A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

2010-10-16T09:19:00.005-05:00

Exhibit 13 by the Blue Man Group

http://www.exhibit13.com/

The Blue Man Group's tour for 'The Complex' is by far the best performance/installation art piece of the last 20 years. By drawing parallels between the rock concert experience and tribal rituals/proto-religion, the Blue Man Group illuminates and reflects on unexamined aspects of contemporary life. Plus, they have very a very solid instructional design aspect behind their experience. (As an instructional designer, that makes me incredibly happy.)

Their first encore (and the last song on their album 'The Complex') is an instrumental ditty called 'Exhibit 13.' When I first saw them perform it, they played an enigmatic video of paper falling on a screen while padding out the music. The crowd went nuts, whooping and hollerin' (remember, this concert was in Texas), and cheering through the song.

On the second leg of the tour, when they came back through Dallas, they did the same show with the same encore. Except this time, instead of cheering and laughing through 'Exhibit 13,' people were somber, quiet, and reverent. I think some of them even started to cry.

What caused this change? The only thing I can think of is that people visited the Exhibit 13 website and found out that the song is about September 11, 2001, and the bits of charred paper displayed in the video came from the World Trade Center.

In the past decade, I have been shocked numb by images of the towers exploding. Now when I see them, I get angry - not at what happened, but at the person or organization who is showing them to me in hopes that my emotional reaction will somehow sway my thinking to their side of whatever debate is happening. Those images are too loaded and political now, and they have lost their power over me.

But the scraps of paper...

Every day, we leak. We leak thoughts. We leak emotion. We leak information. And we are surrounded by people and things who catch our leaks. Our loved ones ask us what is the matter. Our computers record our emoticons. And our paper...

I spend my day surrounded by paper. I fill out forms. I write reports. I document the world as I see it. There is a tactile sense to paper - and somehow writing down things on it make them more real.

This song and this video make the pain real. There is no way getting around it. There is no way to sugarcoat it. And this particular presentation of certain events is very difficult to politicize; all it shows is a document of a series of lives that were suddenly and brutally disrupted.

Day 15 of 30 - A fanfic

2010-10-15T08:17:00.003-05:00

"Don Vito Corleone isn't an issue anymore. He's an old man. He's weak."

"Which is why we need to take him out now. Don Vito is vulnerable."

"Even if I agree with your logic, which I don't, what would be your brilliant plan?"

"Poisoned orange peels."

"What?"

"We put some poison in the orange peels. He pops them in his mouth and - BOOM! - the man keels over."

"Why the hell would a man like Vito ever put orange peels in his mouth?"

"Are you kidding me? What old man doesn't love putting orange peels in his mouth? He has grandkids."

"Grandkids?"

"You know. To chase around in the garden."

"With orange peels in your mouth?"

"Exactly."

"Ok, let's pretend your poison orange peel plan works, which is a real stretch of my imagination. Who could do it?"

"There is only one man who could pull it off. He's what you would call a specialist. He makes good food deadly."

"You don't mean..."

"Get me Chef Boyardee."

Day 14 of 30 - A non-fictional book

2010-10-14T09:16:00.002-05:00

I spend more time reading non-fiction than fiction books. Since I married a wonderful person, I have been reading more business books than I ever thought possible. Two books that are the cornerstone of my professional life are The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and Flawless Consulting: A Guide to Getting Your Expertise Used. I recommend these two books to anyone who is unsatisfied with his/her career.

But that is not what I want to talk about. My current favorite non-fiction book is How Not to Make a Short Film: Secrets from a Sundance Programmer. This book is filled with practical advice for the filmmaker. It is a great companion book to a certain 26 Short Screenplays for Independent Filmmakers. It is insightful and funny, and you get a good sense of the author as a creative person instead of a faceless automoton barking orders on how to be creative.

Roberto Munroe has made a few short films and has programmed a few film festivals. She knows what she is talking about and doesn't mince words. This is the type of book I love love love.

Day 13 of 30 - A fictional book

2010-10-13T08:14:00.002-05:00

Here is the current book I am reading (and loving!):

The Savage Detectives by Roberto Bolaño

I haven't finished this book yet, and am only about halfway through. However, from what I have read so far is very impressive in terms of craftsmanship and ambition. It is supposed to document an entire South American literary movement known as "visceral realism." The first section is a series of journal entries from a visceral realist poet, but the second section is where it goes off the deep end in an amazing and wonderful way.

The second section of the book is a collage of newspaper articles, academic journal entries, correspondence, and interviews all intended to document the entire visceral realist movement. This literary collage jumps from author to author, each with a different intent and voice. It is incredibly ambitious and could fall flat in many places. Surprisingly, it does not, and gets even more compelling as I read further.

A cursory glance of the Amazon reviews show that people either love or hate this book - there are almost as many five-star reviews as one-star reviews. I can understand this - the book contains a story that could only take the form of literature. This is a celebration of life and language and the way great words shape and influence our lives.

Day 12 of 30 - Blogger's Choice

2010-10-12T09:13:00.006-05:00

Another rant, this time about comics. Apologies in advance.

So I read Wolverine: Old Man Logan on the recommendation of the Alter Ego Comics podcast. Most of the time, their recommendations are pretty solid, but this book is the personification of everything I dislike about current super hero comics.

Specifically, I did not like the following:

The In-Jokey Nature of the Entire Story

To put it blintly, the over-dependence on backstory is ridiculous.

So many of current comics reward and praise their extremely core audience (or, as I call them, The Super Fans!) often at the expense of the new reader. So many moments of this story make no sense unless you have been actively reading Marvel comics for the past ten? twenty? years. You have to come to the story with an encyclopedic knowledge of the characters and the relationships for the story to have any emotional impact whatsoever. The story itself does not draw in you in, but instead expects you to bring your own emotional baggage to the table to be manipulated.

One of the exchanges that leaps to mind is the exchange between Emma Frost and Old Man Logan. Unless you have been reading X-Men comics and know about Emma Frost, Logan, and their relationship, the drama of the moment makes no sense.

If this were a movie, this is the point where every casual viewer leans over to the hardcore fan and whispers, "Who is that lady and why is she so mad?" The book needs annotations for the uninitiated, and when the narrative drive and emotional context exists only in the footnotes and annotations, that spells real trouble for a storyteller.

The Rampant Mysogony

During the course of the story we see the following female characters (and the story's attitude towards them).

Maureen, Logan's hard-working sturdy pioneer woman/wife (Saint) who's main purpose seems to be becoming a martyr so Logan breaks his vow of pacifism. She is such an underdeveloped character, she barely merits a name. I am sure most people who read this won't remember her name is Maureen, just that she is Logan's wife.

Hawkeye's damsel-in-distress daughter who desperately needs to be rescued (Saint)...

...but then turns out to be a major villian (Whore).

Emma Frost, a traitor who everyone hates (Whore).

And, uh... that seems to be it. Three women, no real characterization, and the attitude towards them is either one of extreme idealistic love or extreme hate. Plus, they are all defined by their relationship to men. Even Emma Frost, who was a fairly independent character in other comics, is now primarily defined by her marriage to Dr. Doom.

The Non-Conclusion Conclusion

The story ends with Logan walking off into the sunset, wandering the earth looking for adventures. This is not a satisfactory ending, but instead a set-up for an ongoing story. This is the ending of a television pilot, not a satisfactory ending of a solid book. So you have a story without a real beginning (because the beginning is really the backstory) and without a real ending (because this is just a set-up for another story).

Yep. This is not enjoyable or satisfying at all.

The Over-Reliance on Cultural Stereotypes
Comics are not realistic; they simplify and streamline. They also traffic in stereotypes to convey a meaning. Great comic creators are aware of this and use this aspect of the medium to their advantage.

However, in the hands of a reckless artist, this can be incredibly offensive. I am thinking of the conclusion where Wolverine confronts the most horrible evil ever known to man, the cousin-screwing redneck.

My personal convictions don't favor a grand concluding statement expressing that the best way to approach the poor and uneducated is with a good ass-whoopin'. Seriously? This is heroic? I was disappointed to see that the story concludes with the violent smackdown of a one-dimensional idiot and his even more one-dimensional inbred idiot children.

I just didn't care.

***

The ultimate praise I can give a comic is that I pass it along to someone else, telling them, "Oh man, you GOTTA read this!" This is one of those comics I am afraid to show someone else, because the inevitable response will be "You... like this?"

This is not my desired response.

***

Having said all of that, I will say the comic gave me some rare and fleeting moments of pure nerd joy. I am talking specifically about this panel:

This is a picture of dinosaur with alien skin.

I repeat.

A dinosaur with alien skin.

Oh my inner thirteen-year-old's brain just goggled at the possibilities of that sentence. That is freakin' cool. Not cool enough for me to recommend this comic, but still, pretty freakin' cool.

There is a time and place for certain types of entertainment. I honestly wish I was in a place where artists were creating stories that I found engaging and I would, in turn, shower them with money. Right now, the super-hero comic market and I are in different places.

Day 11 of 30 - A photo of you taken recently

2010-10-11T09:13:00.002-05:00

Day 10 of 30 - A photo of you taken over ten years ago

2010-10-10T08:58:00.003-05:00

Day 9 of 30 - A photo you took

2010-10-09T08:58:00.001-05:00

Day 8 of 30 - A photo that makes you angry/sad

2010-10-08T08:57:00.006-05:00

Here's a rant about geek culture.

I am a super-geek in many ways, but I have never, NEVER understood the creepy slavery fetish that saturates Star Wars fandom.

Slavery is wrong. It is so wrong, we had a war about it. And yet... we're presenting it as something fun and a little goofy. I just don't get it.

Every year I see dozens of ComicCon photos that look like this. I never see any African-Americans in these pictures, and I have yet to hear or read what I consider a defensible position of the phenomenon. (And "Dude, she is hot," is not what I would consider a defensible position.)

I am all for bikinis and I am all for dressing up as Star Wars characters, but this is wrong and not even close to being erotic or fun.

So... yeah. One of my rants.

Day 7 of 30 - A photo that makes you happy

2010-10-07T09:00:00.001-05:00

Day 6 of 30 - Blogger's Choice

2010-10-06T09:00:00.002-05:00

So the hospital where we had our kiddo required new parenting classes. While I was travelling for work, the Mrs. went to one of the classes alone and didn't like it. At all. Suddenly, there was an edict and I had to attend all of the classes with her.

In one sense, I become a total guy about these things. I am not the one giving birth, so why should I be the one going to the classes? And what could the classes tell me that I couldn't find on the internet for free, right?

But then I started attending the classes, and totally understood.

You see, there is this little portion of the class where they talk about the procedure known as an episiotomy. (Seriously, don't click that link.)

The nurse who was giving the presentation, who spent the entire class streaming through her PowerPoint slides at a rate of 24 frames a second, suddenly decided to stop one one rather graphic image, stop, and talk to the class for what seemed like 47 hours straight. The entire time, this image of a particularly painful incision seemed to pulse on the screen above her head.

No one was listening to her, but, believe me, everyone was paying attention.

The Mrs. felt a little distressed until I whispered to her, "Look around the room for a second."

She did. A whole room full of mommies-to-be stared at the image.

Half of them had this expression:

The other half had this one:

All of them, despite their pregnant bellies, managed to cross their legs.

The Mrs. began to laugh. And then I began to laugh. And all of a sudden, we became two snickering teenagers in the back of the classroom.

At that moment, the Mrs. whispered to me, "You are the only person who could make me laugh at a time like this."

Day 5 of 30 - Your favorite quote

2010-10-05T09:00:00.005-05:00

Once again, a tough one for me to decide.

I will probably go with my dad, who gave me this advice the night before my wedding.

"Every argument you will have is 10% what is going on now and 90% of what went on before."

Day 4 of 30 - Your favorite book

2010-10-04T09:00:00.008-05:00

I do not read nearly as much as I used to, although I am quite fond of the audiobook. Probably the book I have read and reread more than any other has been the Bible, but I don't think that would be a satisfying answer to the 'Your Favorite Book' question because it is too trite and obvious.

At times I have gone through phases where I read the complete works of Stephen King, Kurt Vonnegut, Mark Vonnegut, Clive Barker, John Irving, Joe Hill, Neil Gaiman, Neil Postman, and Walker Percy. I am a big fan of 'Confederacy of Dunces' as well. I am one of those obnoxious people who completely adore '7 Habits of Highly Effective People' and I have to admit that most of my reading over the past five years or so has been limited to non-fiction. (I also have lots of love for 'Flawless Consulting' - seriously, that book helps me every day.)

However, I am going to dodge all of these books and just say that my favorite book is the one I wrote - '26 Short Screenplays for Independent Filmmakers.'

I love this book, even going as far as to write a five-star review of it on Amazon. It makes a good Christmas present. It makes a good birthday present. By just putting it on your bookshelf, you become more interesting. People will think you are an independent filmmaker and will treat you with awe and respect. The Sundance Film festival might just call you to say, "Hey." You never know what will happen when you buy the book.

Day 3 of 30 - Your favorite television program

2010-10-03T10:00:00.005-05:00

I completely understand why many people hate television. Where movies are about telling a story that satisfies a person with a solid beginning, middle, and end, television shows have a strong beginning, intriguing complications, and... no real ending.

Traditionally, television is designed not to provide a satisfying conclusion, but rather to perpetuate watching. Each act break builds to generate interest to engage the viewer and then the viewer is presented with... a message from our sponsors.

The shows I gravitate towards are the ones that don't have commercial breaks, whether they be from other countries or on cable (the BBC version of 'The Office,' HBO offerings, etc.), or the ones that don't require sustained viewing (like 'The Twilight Zone' or 'The Carol Burnett Show'). The standard template for shows draws me out of them. (I think that was one of the big problems with 'Arrested Development.' As much as I loved watching the show on DVD, when I tried to watch it on television, the commercial breaks made it fall flat.)

Having said all that, my current favorite television show is a Canadian show called 'Slings & Arrows.' It has just the right mixture of artistic ambition, inspiration, and humor to have me completely enthralled. Plus it is Canadian, so you can make a drinking game out of how many times people apologize.

The show is about a fictional Shakespeare Festival, and the difficulties that occur when they try to produce plays (Season 1 is 'Hamlet'; Season 2 is 'MacBeth'; and Season 3 is 'King Lear'). The show is smart, witty, and thoroughly engaging. And it also does a great job of showing how great literature can enter and affect our lives.

Without getting too esoteric or metaphorical, I am am always amazed at this wondrous gift of received culture and history. There are so many good stories that have been passed down to us, how can do anything except revel in them and have some fun?

Day 2 of 30 - Your favorite movie

2010-10-02T09:01:00.004-05:00

Whenever anyone asks what my favorite movie of all time is, I always answer "Little Shop of Horrors."

I first saw that movie when I was thirteen, and it has just about everything a nerdy thirteen-year-old boy would want. The nerdy guy gets the girl. It has chopping up and singing. It has a gloriously insane Steve Martin. And did I mention the nerdy guy gets the girl?

Many times when I watch movies, I nitpick. I would have done this differently. I would have changed this camera angle or interpreted a character differently or used different music. The exact opposite happened when I saw "Little Shop of Horrors" for the first time. I wouldn't change a thing. Part of (maybe a lot of) that is just being a thirteen-year-old, I know, but I haven't had the same complete syncronicity with a film before or since (maybe with the possible exception of "The Muppet Movie").

Since then, I have really impressed with other films ("Vertigo" is a real stand-out) but I approach them as an adult. I don't completely lose myself over to them the way I did when I was younger.

For me "Little Shop of Horrors" is a great synthesis of stylized performances, set design, and musical numbers. It is a singular vision of one of my favorite stories - the Faustian legend.

Plus it has this song:

Day 1 of 30 - Your favorite song

2010-10-01T09:00:00.005-05:00

Let's start off with a tough one. Songs are incredibly emotional and emotions, by their nature, are transient.

With that in mind, I can tell you my favorite song at this moment will not be my favorite song tomorrow or next week.

So, after a preamble like that, I must say I am incredibly fond of The Arcade Fire's "Wake Up."

In the classic sense of singing parts of the song without really understanding the lyrics, I hum a line from this song to my daughter almost every morning, "Children, wake up!" So now my kiddo thinks this song about regret and death is about jumping up and wiggling at the crack of dawn.

What originally hooked me on this song was a misheard lyric. The songs ends with the narrator/singer going on a rampage, culminating in the last line, "Better look out below."

When I first heard the song, I heard it as "Better look out for love." Which I think is a stronger single line from an angry narrator, warning others of the reckless abandon that accompanies true passion. However, now that I know all of the lyrics, I think the original line suits the song better.

The 30-Day Blog Challenge

2010-09-30T09:00:00.006-05:00

Inspired by my pal R* and her amazing blog performance, I have decided to take the 30-day blog challenge. In case you aren't one of those ultra-cool bloggers in the know, here is the challenge.

The Posts:

Day 01 — Your favorite song
Day 02 — Your favorite movie
Day 03 — Your favorite television program
Day 04 — Your favorite book
Day 05 — Your favorite quote
Day 06 — Blogger's Choice
Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 — A photo you took
Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 — Blogger's Choice
Day 13 — A fictional book
Day 14 — A non-fictional book
Day 15 — A fanfic
Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 — Blogger's Choice
Day 19 — A talent of yours
Day 20 — A hobby of yours
Day 21 — A recipe
Day 22 — A website
Day 23 — A YouTube video
Day 24 — Blogger's Choice
Day 25 — Your day, in great detail
Day 26 — Your week, in great detail
Day 27 — This month, in great detail
Day 28 — This year, in great detail
Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 — Blogger's Choice

Really funny/strange video

2010-09-02T22:33:00.002-05:00

I found this hilarious.

From friends of friends. And by "of friends," I mean the Filmspotting podcast.

This is bad.... real bad....

2010-07-17T21:39:00.002-05:00

I write like
Dan Brown

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Good-bye Lala! I will miss you...

2010-06-01T12:22:00.002-05:00

The Book is on Amazon!

2010-02-01T22:27:00.002-06:00

FYI after weeks of emailing and filling out forms and general wrangling, the book is now available on Amazon.com.
Here is the link.

And here is the photo of the book cover.

Thoughts on Being an Artist and Making Money

2010-01-31T22:44:00.010-06:00

I attended the Dallas Comic Con this weekend and had a great time. However, the show also gave me pause. I have been going to comic conventions since I was a kid and it was called The Dallas Fantasy Fair, but this one seemed a little less thrilling than normal, even though the guy who played Chewbacca was there.

I am sure we all have gone through this as we get older; the one thing we were so passionate about years ago doesn't inspire the same level of dedication anymore. Twin Peaks did not change the world. Beanie Babies did not put our kids through college. LINUX didn't turn out to be the operating system of the future.

One of the more heartbreaking moments at the con was seeing James O'Barr, creator of The Crow, sitting at his booth with all this merchandise and no one - NO ONE showing any interest whatsoever. There was a time people would beat each other up for a chance to just look him in the eye, and now... nothing. (To be fair, I was only there for a few hours. Perhaps all his fans like to sleep in and his afternoon was spent being held aloft by people dressed as killer mimes.)

That evening, I watched two movies that both made me think about how artistic people survive and prosper in a business world. The first film was Fredrick Weisman's La Danse - a documentary about the Paris Ballet, and the second one (viewed at 2am after being waken by a crying baby) was Anvil: The Story of Anvil.

La Danse is an almost three-hour documentary about a season of the Paris ballet. It covers not only rehearsals and performances, but the maintenance crew, the cafeteria workers, the costumers, and the administrative office. My favorite person in the film was the Artistic Director because she obviously "got it" as far as balancing artistic freedom and experimentation with the financial restraints and market forces. In every scene with her, she was brilliant, whether she was talking to a choreographer, a prima ballerina, a fund-raising team, or even the business manager. She knew how to work with people to make the magic happen - to maintain the balance between challenging art and art that alienates an audience.

(Just a side note - ballet is hard work. It takes work to make it look good and it takes work to enjoy it. Some poor guy in the theater fell asleep during the film and started snoring loudly during the same ballet sequences that had me completely enthralled. Seriously, Medea is disturbing in ballet form.)

The second film, Anvil: The Story of Anvil, was more along the lines of depicting artists who don't get it. Anvil had some minor success in the 80s "hair band" era and have refused to change their sound or look with the times. In some ways, their lives are little time capsules, trying the same thing over and over again until they get it right.

The most heartbreaking scene for me was the one where the dude from Anvil plays his demo for a record company A&R rep. Not even thirty seconds into the first song, the rep stops the music and starts talking about the "current radio landscape" and other trends in popular music. The guy from Anvil has no comprehension whatsoever about what is being said. His response is, "But this music just rocks."

And that is the issue. Their art calls them to make something very specific. Which is wonderful, but they somehow think they can make a substantial amount money off of it, which is horrible. They have the art side down, but not the commerce side.

This, of course, reminds me of Aimee Mann.

I saw an interview with Aimee Mann on The Tonight Show once. Jay Leno trotted out a picture of her in her full 80s glory and tried to shame her on national television by reminding the world of how stupid she once looked. Ms. Mann was completely unfazed. "As an artist, you have to decide if you want to be completely in the moment of if you want to be timeless. And to be completely in the moment, you have to be fearless and not ashamed then the moment passes. In the 80s, I was in the moment. Now I am striving for something timeless."

It easy to divide art into two worlds - one that is hollow and commercial and another that self-indulgent purity. But this sort of division is wrong. True art strives for a sense of transcendence. It seeks to be timeless. The people involved in making this art still need to eat. They can't be completely high-minded about personal expression to the detriment of everything else. So the money becomes a necessary component to the process.

These two films were about how there is an art to managing money. There is an art to managing a ballet production company and securing funding for edgy, modern choreography that might alienate people. There is an art to generating enough income to hire a great producer for your heavy metal album. And both of these films, both of these stories of struggle, were transcendent and timeless in their own way. Let's hope they fare better fifteen years from now than The Crow did.

Obligatory New Years Post

2009-12-31T17:31:00.005-06:00

So, looking back on 2009, a lot of things changed. I started a MA degree in eLearning at the University of Colorado, I published a book, I sold a house and bought a new house, and then I assisted in having a baby (meaning, I was there when the baby started and change diapers after it arrived).

How could I possibly top that in 2010?

I don't know if I can. But here are my personal goals for 2010. (The professional goals continue to be 1) Make money, and 2) Make my employer money.)

1. Be a better dad.

This should be easy. I was only a dad for 10 days in 2009, so the baseline is not that great. I still have to introduce her to country music (that is, the good kind of country music), get her to say "Bah bah," and maybe take a few steps. If she is able to go, "Awwww, snap!" by 2012, I have done my job.

2. Fulfill my 2009 obligations.

There are a lot of side projects I verbally committed to in 2009 and then had to set aside because of all the work, school, and baby commitments. I haven't been blogging as much as I would like. I haven't participated in discussion boards as much as I would like. And, most importantly, I haven't responded to Cyber D, who sent me a draft of his novel and asked for feedback. I have read large chunks of it, but sadly, have not given him the feedback he asked for. This is wrong and should be changed.

3. Pimp my book.

So I wrote a book. It is a good book that serves a vital niche that no other book fulfills. Sales have been good, but no where near enough to buy that island in the Bahamas I've had my eye on. The Mrs. (who is in marketing) reminds me that it is not enough to write the book. I have to promote it as well. So that is what I plan to do while I work on the sequel.

4. Continue my education.

In my quest to be the smartest smarty pants know-it-all in the room, it wouldn't hurt to have a stack of advanced degrees. I am just sayin'.

5. Make a short film.

This one might get pushed off until 2011 or 2012, because of my #1 Goal. I want to make a short film just to say I've done it. I have many scripts to choose from, but I want to do the financing, set design, auditioning actors, directing, and submitting-to-a-film-festival-only-to-get-rejected piece that is essential to being a pretentious artist. Because there is nothing like spending weeks and months on a project that will be over and done with in less than five minutes.

I think it is going to be a good year.

This is the Most Interesting Radio Story I have Heard in Awhile

2009-12-31T13:25:00.001-06:00

Real post coming soon. Until then, here is something to tide you over.

So the scheduled C-section happened a little early....

2009-12-29T18:13:00.006-06:00

Instead of her scheduled 12/31 birthday, Margaret Ellen decided to show up on 12/21 instead.

This means, on her 103rd birthday, the date will be 12/21 2112. How cool is that?

Oh, yeah. I have blog.

2009-12-13T13:30:00.003-06:00

I haven't been updating this much. Between work and school and the impending kiddo, there hasn't been much time.

This is post number #447 in this site, and I would like post #450 to be the birth announcement. Having said that, I have to think of something to write for the next three posts.

So... something will happen here between now and the end of the year. Not sure what, but something will happen.

Meanwhile, here is an email from one of my professors:

Hi Robert-

As Jackie noted, I'm letting people know where they stand for their final grade...

Based on the points you have earned and with the expectation that you will turn in the final reflection, your course grade for IT5660 is:

A

Thanks for all of your hard work during the semester.

-Chuck

***

Boo.

Yeah.

Repost - The things I do for breasts...

2009-09-28T14:38:00.003-05:00

So back on October 8, 2006, I wrote this blog entry to raise money for the Susan G. Komen foundation. In case you don't want to click that link, I've reposted the entry below.

This year, I do not have the time to walk, but that won't stop me from campaigning for friends who are walking.

If you like this post, please consider donating to a team of my friends who are walking a three-day, 60 mile marathon to raise money for cancer research. You can donate money here.

So, here is the old blog entry with a new donation link.

***

Dear Friends and Family,

It is difficult to write about breasts.

Sure they’re everywhere, and I should really just be an adult about this, but I know my mom is going to read this email and quite possibly my in-laws. When I think of them reading an email of me rhapsodizing about mammary glands and then asking for money to keep them healthy, my hands lock up about two inches above the keyboard. Sorry, I’m just a little repressed about these things.

Ahem.

I’m trying not to be dirty about this, but breasts are absolutely wonderful, and healthy breasts are even better. There, I said it.

I could quote statistics, but we’ve heard them, and frankly dismissed them, before. I will share with you something better. Something real.

I have two ladies in my life who have struggled with breast cancer. One is in remission and doing great – she’s even walking in the race this year.

The other one went through the surgery, the chemotherapy, and everything… only to find that it didn’t work. She has to start over at square one now, with another surgery and another round of chemotherapy and another round of tests and… another everything.

It is tough. It is tough to see this and to live through this, and I’m just on the sidelines. When you let someone into your heart, you let in all the love they have to offer, but you also let in all their hurt. It bothers me that someone so good and so undeserving can hurt so much.

There has to be a better way to fight breast cancer. There has to be a cure that doesn’t hurt the body more than the sickness. We are capable of so much, we should be capable of finding something better. A cure for all cancers would be incredible; a cure for breast cancer be amazing, but something better than what we currently have… something better is well within our grasp.

So this is what I’m doing to make something better happen - I am walking 5 km in the Komen Dallas Race for the Cure on October 21, 2006. I will wear a T-shirt and will try my best to be a good husband and not to stare at all the breasts when I walk.

And this is what you can do - support in the form of a cash donation. You can skip the Grande Half-Caff Vanilla Latte one morning and send the $5.00 to the Komen foundation. You can put off that iPod purchase for another few months and send a few hundred dollars to the Komen foundation. Whatever you feel is appropriate, I will appreciate it. Your donation is tax-deductible, so you can’t beat that.

You can follow this link and make a donation…

http://www.the3day.org/goto/Ronda.Carson

…but if you distrust this internet, please send a donation to this address.

Komen Dallas Affiliate & Race for the Cure®

460 NorthPark Center

P.O. Box 12010

Dallas, TX 75225

I really appreciate time, your contribution, and your attention. You are such a good person.

Love the breasts,

M. Robert Turnage

Priorities

2009-09-25T08:40:00.005-05:00

I ran into a friend at a restaurant the other day.

"So how's the new house coming along?"

"GREAT! I just installed ceiling mounts for my speakers. When I get my new TV this weekend, I am going to have the BEST entertainment center EVER!"

"How's the baby's room coming along?"

"Dude, the baby isn't going to be born until January."

Rules for the New Parent

2009-09-16T20:56:00.004-05:00

I never knew it would be so complicated...

(click to make the image larger)

Dallas Graffiti is Erudite and Celebrates Science Fiction Classics

2009-09-16T08:00:00.001-05:00

You might have noticed a lot of new pictures on the blog recently. That is because I went and purchased a Nokia N85 for the sole purpose of learning why you needto also purchase a data plan when you buy a smart phone.

In the meantime, I have become a little addicted to taking pictures and uploading them from the phone. This is especially true when it comes to graffiti.

Dallas has amazing graffiti. Most people just like writing their names in barely-legible letters, but not Dallasites. They like scribbling on bathroom walls famous quotes from T. Jeff, who I can only assume is a DJ of some sort.

Also, there is the message so important, so overwhelming in sheer brilliance, that it needed to be SCRATCHED IN to the door of the men's room stall.

By now you are probably asking, "What are you doing taking pictures in a men's room stall?" And the truth is, I liked the graffiti. It did lead to an awkward moment, however, when someone walked in on me doing it.

This phone is going to get me into trouble.

More Work in the Library

2009-09-15T00:12:00.003-05:00

So our four bookshelves weren't cutting it. We had to buy three more.

And we bought a CD case that was a real bugaboo to assemble.

The trick was to move the CDs from the top of the kitchen counter into the CD case alphabetically.

It is working out. I moved all of my comics to the three new bookshelves, freeing up the old bookshelves for the opera scores and other books that are still in boxes.

Comic book shelves (complete with the ghost of a fan in the window - our house is haunted by a cool, cool breeze).

Shelves for opera scores, sheet music, and other assorted literature (in progress).

Current CD shelf.

It still looks like an absolute mess, but the house is coming together. Slowly but surely, our crap is getting in order.

Another Great Onion Video

2009-09-14T23:02:00.001-05:00

Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids

The DVD Collection

2009-09-01T23:55:00.003-05:00

That bowling ball on the top is a special edition of The Big Lebowski
.

Work in Progress

2009-08-31T00:15:00.010-05:00

So the house has been taking up a lot of time, unpacking and getting things comfortable. There is enough improvement for a few pictures.

The library now has books on the shelves. Only about half of them are organized, though.

The kitchen still needs some work. I have cooked a few meals on the stove top. Right now, there is shelf paper everywhere from where we were papering the shelves.

The dining room now has a place where you can sit down.

Same goes for the living room. Both are still in progress, but look much better than they did a week ago.

Here is my office. Yes, it is typical for me to have dual monitors and a laptop going all at once.

And the other half of my office which contains a futon, a lamp, and more shelves.

After the Move... Before the Cleanup

2009-08-24T20:04:00.008-05:00

We're in the new house and have sort of unpacked.

Now all we need to do is start cleaning up the mess.

Living room

Library

Looking out into the front yard

Dining Room

More Sonogram Pictures!

2009-08-14T17:26:00.002-05:00

I will not do something no one else in the history of the internet has done . I will share cute photos of my kid.

Internet, meet the Critter!

2009-07-22T15:16:00.007-05:00

So I haven't been posting as much as I would like, and when I post it is usually a YouTube video instead of something strange and wonderful that has been rattling around in my head.

Not to make excuses, but I've been busy. On July 10th, we placed our house on the market and on the 16th, we got an offer. So all we need to do (as of this writing) is find a new house. That was a lot of work, but that is not all!

I also wrote and published the best book in the universe, and spent three weeks in California for work, but that is not all!

I still have grad school starting this fall, but, seriously, that is NOTHING compared to news about the Critter.

Yes. That is right....

The Mrs. and I are having our first kiddo - a little girl that we have not named yet. Before we knew the gender, we started calling it the Critter, and that name stuck, much to the chagrin of people who do not like to think of children as crawly animals, only bigger.

We are pretty excited, and it is about time the internet in general knew about this.

Oh, and if Facebook is any indication, this baby thing is going to be fun.

Reminds me of Some Parts of My Childhood

2009-07-07T21:10:00.000-05:00

The Book is Out!

2009-06-29T23:41:00.012-05:00

I am proud to announce that my book, 26 Short Screenplays for Independent Filmmakers, is available now exclusively from the website www.26screenplays.com. The book is a collection of Creative Commons screenplays that filmmakers can use to make their own films. Each screenplay is tied to a type of film project. For example, there is a project called "The Meet Cute Scene" and it consists of two characters meeting in a really cute way. Other projects include "The Car Chase," "Pseudo-Documentary Style," and "The Horror Short." The idea is that an independent filmmaker can use these scripts to develop a portfolio showing his or her versatility.

I know everyone who reads this blog wants to support the book in whatever way possible, so here is a list of things you can do to show your support.

1. Buy the book. I know it is stating the obvious, but the more people who buy the book the more money I make. And I like having money. www.26screenplays.com

2. Tell people about the book. To the best of my knowledge, there isn't a book like this out there. There are a lot of "how to make your film" books and "so you want to be an independent filmmaker" books, but there aren't any other "screenplay cookbooks" out there. And feel free to mention the website. www.26screenplays.com

3. There are snarky T-Shirts on the website, too. Thanks to the power of Cafe Press, they cost more than the book. But, hey, T-shirts are cool and cool is priceless.

4. Make a short film using one of the screenplays and send it along. Every film made from one of the scripts gets featured on the www.26screenplays.com website.

I know some people are not made of money and don't feel comfortable sending hard earned cash to an exciting and vibrant website. Not a problem, because there are things people can do to support the book for free.

1. Follow the blog at blog.26screenplays.com. I will use this as a bully pulpit to talk about films, screenplays, and intellectual property law.

2. Follow the Twitter stream at www.twitter.com/26screenplays. This will be like the blog, but more fine tuned for those of us with ADD.

3. Follow the 26 Screenplays YouTube channel www.youtube.com/26screenplays. Everyone who submits a short film from one of the screenplays will be featured here.

So there you go. This is why I haven't been writing on this blog as much as I wanted to and why I probably owe you an email. Thanks for your interest and I hope you become as excited about this new book as I am.

Photographic Obsessions

2009-06-23T16:52:00.008-05:00

There is no way to truly know how you are going to react in a stressful situation. You can mentally prepare for it, you can train for it, but when the actual moment happens, there is a moment of spontaneous, unrehearsed reaction.

And sometimes people take a picture of this. We call them mugshots.

There are some websites that specialize in mugshots. The Smoking Gun has a regular feature where they display police mugshots. I have followed this for years and have even used the for photoshop experiments.

For example, this mugshot of an angry young K-Mart employee:

Becomes a motivational poster.

And this fella who has had a hard life:

Gets a little love after a trip to Olan Mills.

So you can imagine the joy that shot through my cynical heart when the Denton police got its own mugshot twitter feed.

http://twitter.com/DentonPolice

I am completely obsessed with this. Every time someone is booked, a new photo is posted. I have been known to click through these pictures for hours.

Part of me wonders why I am so obsessed with mugshots like this. Is this sense of entitlement and superiority because they are criminals and I have not been convicted of anything? Is it a celebration in the way people don't really look like Hollywood starlets or Glamor Shots? Or is it because I am awaiting the day I see someone I know in one of these line ups.

Maybe it is a combination of all three.

This is Me Every Time I Get In Front of My Computer

2009-06-12T21:22:00.000-05:00

We've Traced All of 70s Fashion to Patient Zero

2009-06-07T21:21:00.000-05:00

Really Want this Video Game

2009-06-04T13:34:00.002-05:00

I Miss the Days When Music Videos Never Even Tried to Make Sense

2009-05-30T09:58:00.001-05:00

As Much as I Hate Sequels, I Have to Admit This Gets Me Excited

2009-05-29T23:01:00.001-05:00

I wish I could quit you.

Discussion from a Recent Trip to Austin

2009-05-25T23:11:00.002-05:00

"So what was it like to relocate to Austin?"

"Austin has everything. Cowboys, hippies, nerds, and politicos."

"And those are just the school mascots."

Today is Going to be a Good Day Thanks to Swine Flu

2009-05-06T10:09:00.004-05:00

It is amazing how little things can make you happy.

This week has been a particularly stressful week. There is a lot of jobstress and bookstress happening right now (the book is in the final final editing phases just about ready to go to press). On top of that, yesterday, I got a speeding ticket. (Which is not THAT big of a deal - I just need to take defensive driving and fill out some paperwork and it is stricken from the record. It is just the hassle of going through the motions of penance when I know I am going to drive the same speed on the same stretch of road at the same time of day in the same levels of traffic and not get a ticket. This is why it is called a daily commute. I think that is why most people get so angry at speeding tickets - I have done the same thing I always do without consequence, why are there consequences all of a sudden. The only thing that is different about this situation is you, Mr. Police Man. And because you are different, I will not heap all of my frustration on you. But I have digressed...)

Today, looks like it is shaping up a little, though.

I have a twitter feed (http://twitter.com/gamookie) that I use as a steady stream of casual venting. I use it to complain about the jobstress or to make jokes about popular culture. It is really there to amuse myself (and/or the Mrs.) and to communicate with some friends who send me those @ replies.

Today, though, the local neighborhood website neighborsgo.com featured me as their Twitter friend of the day. May 6, 2009.

Wow! That just makes me happy.

Here is the exchange:

https://twitter.com/neighborsgo/status/1716750994

neighborsgo

@gamookie is our featured Twitter friend up top on neighborsgo.com. Who wants to be next?

https://twitter.com/gamookie/status/1716883974

gamookie

@neighborsgo Wow! How did that happen? Wow... Thanks! All I did was be me.

https://twitter.com/neighborsgo/status/1717124489

neighborsgo

@gamookie You had us at "the first rule of swine flu is that you don't talk about swine flu."

***

So there you go. Make a joke about swine flu comparing it to Fight Club, and people love you.

I learned something new. It is going to be a good day.

"Witty" Banter with a Fifteen-Year Old Kid on Facebook

2009-04-29T22:57:00.003-05:00

I am a Facebook friend to the children of some my friends, including this lovable fellow who loves music by U2 and The Smiths yet somehow hates the 80s.

Too bad I am not a KISS fan, otherwise I would have continued the banter.

Write about What You Know

2009-04-22T19:49:00.002-05:00

Or rather... what I've heard happen to a friend of mine once or twice back in Middle School.

Office Meeting

2009-04-20T12:32:00.004-05:00

So I went and made one of the Xtranormal films myself.

My Friend Sherri Makes Movies about Her Life

2009-04-13T13:36:00.004-05:00

From Sherri. The final one, "What Are You Thinking About?" is my favorite.

This Reminds Me That I Married During Troubled Economic Times

2009-04-11T13:03:00.005-05:00

Not Quite Sure What to Make of This, Either

2009-04-08T22:59:00.001-05:00

Not Quite Sure What to Make of This

2009-03-25T23:25:00.002-05:00

I think the song really makes the trailer. Not so sure if the filmmakers will be able to pull this one off.

Dollhouse Episode 6 - Things Get Good

2009-03-24T12:01:00.005-05:00

I am only doing this because I wrote about Dollhouse earlier.

This episode has several good things going for it. Here are a few.

1) Patton Oswalt. He really took it up a notch in terms of acting. He brought his A game and it shows.

2) The twists. I counted three great twists in the storyline. Two of them I saw coming, but they still took me by surprise when they happened.

3) The dialogue. Really seemed better here than previous episodes. "Good hand." "No, it was a bad hand well played."

4) The structure. Mixing in the newscaster story with the man on the street interviews was a great way to present the story and concept. Because I can easily imagine a lot of people ignoring the first five episodes and just starting with this one. This structure provides a nice introduction to the series and the series concept.

5) The debate. This is what really sold the show for me. It wasn't the action or the set pieces or the twists or what have you; it was the conversation between Patton Oswalt and Tahmoh Penikett about the nature of the Dollhouse. Oswalt made a convincing argument, clouding the whole "the Dollhouse is nothing but evil" morality of the first five episodes. This made the series seem a little bit more intelligent.

6) The mythology. I will say one of the things I did not like about the first five episodes is that the concept of the show seems limited. This episode hints at a bigger mythology behind the show.

Why I am Such a Terrible Student

2009-03-23T14:32:00.007-05:00

Because I apparently don't have enough to do, I am taking some college classes and preparing for grad school in the fall.

For someone who tests well and is considered somewhat smart sometimes, I can be a really terrible student. Not in terms of grades, but in terms of being a general pain in the buttocks. Part of it is because I do corporate training for a living and I have a pretty good sense of what is effective adult learning and what is not. And by saying "I have a pretty good sense of" I mean that I know this stuff backwards and forwards and I can be pretty snotty and arrogant about it if pressed.

I also know just enough of interface design and interactive programming to be dangerous. So when I take an online course, I am not only evaluating the information presented, I am evaluating how the information is presented - what is being rewarded and what is being graded. I tend to take a lot of screen captures and make elaborate notes, many of which I share with my professors.

This is dangerous, because I run the risk of coming across like I am telling the professor how to do his or her job (aka Insta-Fail!). However, if it is couched in a particular way, (aka "I was not sure if you noticed how those crazy internet people screwed up your grand vision of this course, but check out what they did. Because obviously, professor, you are brilliant and would never make a mistake like the one I just found in this online course.") the results can be beneficial.

This also makes me a bit of a handful. I have several personal, sometimes strained-polite emails, from my professors telling me how much they appreciate my enthusiasm for the course and for learning in general. They then end the email with a polite little, "And do you plan on taking more coursed from me?" Sometimes I read a slight cringe in the emails, but that is because most professors don't use emoticons.

Anyway, mid terms are this week. In the middle of my work schedule, my avid movie watching, my hours of goofing off on the internet, my book, and my blogging thing, I get to show the world how much I know about Accounting. I know my professor is anxiously awaiting to hear my opinion of the effectiveness of the test questions and how they relate to the course objectives.

Pleasant Conversation I Had with a Lawyer

2009-03-18T15:08:00.004-05:00

"So I have worked out five different business scenarios that could be mutually beneficial to all parties involved. The first scenario-"

"My client just writes you a check."

"-iiiisss that your client just writes me a check."

"Done."

Crazy Things I Used to Do

2009-03-17T15:19:00.007-05:00

I am in the finishing stages of putting together my book and thinking of creative works I have actually finished. See, once a project is completed, it has to go out in front of people who will either love it, hate it, or more likely than anything else, feel completely indifferent to it.

This is a terrifying process.

So, right before the project is finished and ready to go out in front of people, what my brain does is generate about a billion new ideas for new creative projects. "Don't finish that book," it says, "I just came up with a great idea for a musical!"

I haven't decided if this is creativity run amok or just a form of ADD. Fortunately, I have tried to leverage this ability into my creative projects.

For example, the post card novel I wrote.

Inspired by the Griffin and Sabine books, I wrote a story on the back of 102 postcards (1 introductory chapter, 100 chapters, 1 conclusion chapter) and then mailed them out.

I followed up that with a 30-chapter X-Files postcard story told on the back of X-Files post cards (which were, conveniently, sold in packs of 30). That story was about a serial killer that used postcards to slay.

The secret is to take the weakness and make it a strength. This is not a bug, it is a feature.

My current project is a book contains 26 short film screenplays. Whenever I got stuck on one, I switch to another. Of course I have a million other ideas for things that I could be doing instead.

Fortunately, if I can just focus on 26 of them, I will have the perfect sequel.

And maybe one of them will be a musical.

So... How are things?

2009-03-16T10:51:00.010-05:00

Every once in awhile I run into someone I haven't seen in a few years. I know they don't follow the blog or Twitter or Facebook or any of the other ways I talk about myself. And, as much as I like them and enjoy their company, I always feel a little like a doofus when talking to them.

The reason is that there are two story lines in any person's life at any given time - the day-to-day "these are my daily worries, issues, and problems" story and the big "this is an overview of my life" story.

I can tell a decent day-to-day story because every day something strange happens to me. For example, every day, someone I know announces to the internet that they are bored and every day I whisper to myself, "Set yourself on fire - that's pretty exciting." And then I feel guilty because if I actually said this to the bored person's face, they probably would end our friendship out of sheer boredom because they are so bored they could just die, but if they set themselves on fire, it doesn't really solve their terrible boredom problem as much as would entertain me.

Every day I have a pleasant exchange with someone on the job that I can later retell with me speaking normally and the other person talking in a funny voice. And every day, someone of dubious lineage does something stupid in traffic.

These stories I embellish and retell to the Mrs. every day when she asks how my day was. And sometimes I use puppets.

I have a problem, though, when I talk to people who I only see every couple of years. Conversations go something like this:

"So, what are you up to?"

"Don't you read my blog?"

Blank stare.

Pause.

"So... how are things?"

This is a tough conversation for me to have because I know I am going to be starting a conversation that will not be continued for another few years. If I talk about a particular health problem, I know I will have to revisit that topic long after that goiter is gone. And that is uncomfortable and socially awkward.

And the truth is that big things don't happen to me all that often. I got married once and plan on never doing that again. No kids. Just the job and the goofy hobbies. And who wants meet someone after about five years and hear about theories about the secret meanings in the 'Lost' TV show.

I have developed a professional "elevator pitch" for myself. The idea is that if you are stuck on an elevator with an executive, you have to 30 seconds to explain to that person why they should hire you and/or what you bring to the table.

I have decided to develop one of those for my personal life, just so I don't get stuck in socially awkward situations.

Let's try it out...

Things are great! We're still happily married. No kids, but we have Rock Band, so it is like we are still kids ourselves. I play guitar unless I have a few drinks, then I sing. Job is going great. I have to travel sometimes, but it is totally worth it because I love my company. I know you don't read blogs, but I have one of those. Yeah, the URL is some sort of alphabet soup, give me your email and I'll send it to you. I'm on Facebook. I write screenplays as a hobby, including a really bad bad one called "Zombie Prom Queen." I have a book coming out sometime soon. "Lost" is really about Buddhism. How are you?

Daily Show vs. CNBC

2009-03-10T11:30:00.006-05:00

I know everyone has posted this already. Here it is again.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Economic Crisis

My uncle is such a good filmmaker.

2009-03-07T15:18:00.005-06:00

Pleasant and relaxing.

Viral Video Idea

2009-03-07T14:52:00.003-06:00

If you can make this video, please do so. I don't have the time or resources to do anything except write about it, and the shelf life for a joke like this to be funny is limited.

OBLIGATORY COMPANY LOGOS

FADE IN:

EXT - HILLSIDE - DAY

CLOSE-UP KID EYES

A kid puts on some goggles.

KID
Ready?

DEEPER VOICE
Ready.

A set of furry arms wraps around the kid.

KID
Let's go.

TEXT

From the director of Watchmen and 300...

...comes the greatest comic adaptation of all time.

EXT - HILLSIDE - DAY

POV from the wagon going down the hill.

The grassy hillside rushes past as a wagon races down the hill. The two voices make kind of a "who-o-o-a-a-a-a" noise as they bounce along.

POV looking at the wagon.

A boy and a tiger hit a rock in slow motion. Their velocity and force launch them into the air. They scream.

Techno music begins to blare.

As the two fly through the air in slow motion, screaming, images strobe.

SUSIE DERKINS, setting up a tea party.

THE MOM, preparing a grotesque dinner.

ROSELYN, rolling up her sleeves.

THE DAD, gritting his teeth because his car is blocked by DEFORMED SNOWMEN.

MRS. WORMWOOD, passing out a test.

SPACEMAN SPIFF, fighting for his life.

A DINOSAUR roars.

Darkness.

DAD
Calvin!

LOGO - Zach Snyder's Calvin and Hobbes.

EXT - HILLSIDE - DAY

The wagon crashes into the ground, spilling the passengers everywhere.

FADE TO BLACK.

CALVIN
Let's do that again!

The Bonds of Facebook Friendship

2009-03-02T15:12:00.000-06:00

Here's my Facebook profile.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=749847463&ref=profile

I do not Facebook Friend people lightly. Even though we may be friends of friends or might know each other from blogs or discussion boards or maybe we went to elementary school together and haven't talked for twenty years, we are Facebook friends now and with that, there is a certain level of respect and decorum I will try to keep.

Here is what I will do for you, Facebook friend.

1) I will remember your birthday and write something on your wall on or around the date.

2) I will occasionally comment on your status and/or notes for the sole purpose of making you laugh. The risk is, of course, the joke falling flat, offending you, and destroying our friendship forever. Sorry, that is what happens when you live on the edge like I do.

3) I will try to make my statuses fun and interesting. Nine times out of ten, this means using song lyrics in them.

4) I will NOT tag you on any note. I may post notes, but in NO WAY will I force you to read them or ask you to write a note in response.

5) If you tag me in a note, I reserve the right to respond to it or to ignore it. I am very fickle about these things.

6) If I have a potentially embarrassing photo of you and you name is NOT Will Turnage, I will ask permission before uploading it and tagging you.

7) I will not knowingly share any of your Facebook information with any third parties.

8) I will probably not use offensive language because I'm also Facebook friends with my wife and my parents. This also means I will probably delete offensive language off my wall if you choose to post it.

9) I will not knowingly end our friendship unless there is a good reason.

10) I will probably not loan you money, so don't ask.

Thoughts on Dollhouse

2009-03-01T21:38:00.000-06:00

Here's a comic from HijiNKS Ensue about Dollhouse.

So I've watched the first three episodes of Dollhouse - the new Joss Whedon show that looks like an Alias rip-off. It is not a great show, and not even a good show. It is an ok show, which means if it is on, I probably wouldn't change the channel. However, I also wouldn't seek it out if it WAS on at the time.

Since I don't have a television, though, it doesn't matter. I usually give a show a couple of episodes before rendering judgment. Firefly didn't hook me until somewhere in the middle of Disc 2 of the DVD set. Buffy didn't get good for me until the back half of Season 2. I've only watched three and a half seasons of Angel and that hasn't hooked me yet. Very few shows, like Arrested Development, hook me from the get-go. Heck, Lost didn't even hook me until the first John Locke episode in Season 1 - what was that? About four or five shows in? The American version of The Office didn't get good until well into the second season.

What makes Whedon's work interesting is that he makes the subtext the text and flaunts genre conventions. This lulls the audience into a state of relaxation, after which the work suddenly adheres to genre conventions, which is both shocking and amusing.

For example, instead of making a subtle parallel between vampirism and alcoholism (i.e. the characters are addicted to something horrible and damaging to themselves and others), the parallel is explicit. The vampires meet in a twelve-step program, and say phrases like, "My name is Vladmir, and I am a bloodaholic." The subtext is the text, and everyone laughs because a vampire support group is funny and absurd. The audience is laughing and relaxes because this is a spoof of genre conventions. But then a vampire falls off the wagon and kills people - and doesn't kill a minor, faceless character, but instead kills a character that the audience has a significant emotional investment. Suddenly, by adhering to genre conventions, there is excitement and delight.

A great example of what makes Whedon's work so interesting is Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog which does this exact thing. It plays with genre conventions until the audience cares about the villain and hates the hero, then it suddenly adheres to genre conventions, reminding the audience that, hey, they've been rooting for the bad guy, and he's, like, a BAD GUY.

Dollhouse doesn't have that going for it right now, because it is hard to classify in terms of genre. We don't know if it is a sci-fi story or a spy story or something else entirely. There isn't a way for it to cozy up to us, and let us think we know what it is really about, only to have it kick the chair out from under us later.

Plus, there is the challenge of making a character interesting when the only distinguishing thing about the character is her utter and complete blankness.

The third episode in the series is the closest so far that the show has come to finding its voice - the Dollhouse characters are no different from the manufactured pop sensations that are forced down the throat of popular culture. The show is a metaphor for the entertainment industry as a whole, specifically focusing on how women are treated.

This is the closest the show has come to asking an interesting question. I am not sure the high-concept of the show is sustainable for many episodes and story ideas, though, unless something radically changes soon. Hopefully, something will.

Having said all that, I have watched the show enough to get a sense of the formula. Hence, I have two plot ideas for shows.

1) A Paris Hilton-type media figure wants to enter the Dollhouse because she thinks it will be the cool trendy thing to do.

2) An aging multi-millionaire approaches the Dollhouse and requests that one of the dolls bear him an heir.

If you are interested in watching the first three episodes, here they are:

Episode 1 (not very good)

Episode 2 (gets a little better)

Episode 3 (gets a little better than episode 2)

Thoughts on BSG

2009-03-01T21:30:00.000-06:00

So I was at my in-laws the other night for dinner. Because my father-in-law and I are men of science, we were watching the Sci-Fi Network. Ironically, they were showing some show about vampires, which have nothing to do with science, but that is beside the point.

The point is, during the commercial breaks, we saw the same commercial for Battlestar Galactica played over and over about ten times.

"Do you watch that show?" asked my father-in-law.

"I was really into it for the first two seasons, but by the end of the third season, the show went off the rails for me."

"Was that when they found out about half the crew were robots?"

"Yep."

"You know, I can get into a show about people fighting robots, but when it is robots fighting robots, what is the point? I saw that show before and it was called 'Battlebots.' The only thing we need robots for is to need to make me a sandwich."

"Can I put this conversation in my blog?"

I am Seeing This Movie Friday Night

2009-03-01T15:23:00.000-06:00

iPod Shuffle Contest Answers

2009-02-13T14:50:00.000-06:00

So the music snob in me is kind of pleased my taste in music is so obscure no one could guess any of the songs. On the other hand, the needy blogger in me is kind of upset no one could guess any of the songs.

Nevertheless, it it time to post the song list.

1. Pink Moon - Nick Drake (seriously, 9/10ths of the lyrics are "Pink moon. Pink pink pink pink moon.")

2. Recycled Air - The Postal Service

3. The Anchor Song - Bjork

4. Dark Haired True Lover - The Carter Family

5. Drinking Wine Spo-Dee-O-Dee - Richard Thompson (although if you said Jerry Lee Lewis, that is perfectly fine)

6. Feeling Yourself Disintegrate - The Flaming Lips

7. History of Lovers - Iron & Wine

8. Asheveille - They Might Be Giants

9. Windout - R.E.M

10. Disco Inferno - The Trammps

11. S' Wonderful - Ella Fitzgerald (but practically everyone has recorded this song so the performer shouldn't count)

12. Honeymoon Suite - Suzanne Vega

13. Mother of Pearl - Nellie McKay

14. Strong Hand (Just One Miracle) - Emmylou Harris

15. Mad Lucas - The Breeders

Duplicate bands omitted during the initial shuffle include - R.E.M., The Carter Family, They Might Be Giants, and Suzanne Vega.

Voila!

Still trying to come up with an idea for a real blog post. Whenever there isn't any activity here, it means, I don't have too much time on my hands.

An iPod Shuffle Contest Thing

2009-02-13T14:37:00.000-06:00

I got this idea from R*.

And it looks like Recovering Sociopath is doing it, too, but without any sort of prize.

The idea is this - put your iPod on shuffle and write the lyrics of the first 15 songs. Whoever gets the most right gets a prize of some sort. And everyone is not supposed to use Google.

I actually cycled through about 35 songs to get this list - the rejects are at the bottom of this post.

All of my Facebook friends have a pretty good idea what I listen to day in/day out because I regularly use song lyrics in my Facebook statuses. Examples include: M. Robert saw her standing there; M. Robert is made of these - Who had a mind to disagree?; and M. Robert is like ra-a-a-a-ain on your wedding day.

What's the prize? I don't know. I will mail you something, though.

Here's the list

1. I saw it written and I saw it say

***Sorry, folks. If I write out any more lyrics and it will give the song away.***

2.Knuckles clenched to white
as the landing gear retract for flight
My head's a balloon
inflating with the altitude

3. I live by the ocean
And during the night
I dive into it
Down to the bottom
Underneath all currents

4.Take back every word you have spoken
Let it be as though we never met
For tonight I'm a poor boy heartbroken
I'll forgive but I'll never forget

5.Weeeeeeellll
Wine Wine Wine Elderberry
Wine Wine Wine Oh Sherry
Wine Wine Wine Blackberry
Wine Wine Wine Huckleberry
Wine Wine Wine Oh Lord
Pass that bottle to me

6.Love in our life is just too valuable
Oh, to feel for even a second without it
But life without death is just impossible
Oh, to realize something is ending within us

7.Louise came to rescue me, missing the irony
Blood made her heart change its beating
I hope that she’s happy I’m blamed for the death of
The man she found better than me

8.Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm the orange peel
You don't remember
But I was once part of your orange

I'm the peel that you left on the floor
You took the good part and walked out the door
And I hate you for that
I hate you for that
I'm the orange peel

9.There's no doubt - that you're feeling fine
No doubt - that you're out of mind
No doubt - that you're young and red

10. To mass fires, yes!
One hundred stories high
People gettin' loose
y’all gettin' down on the roof -
Do you hear?
The folks are flaming - out of control

11.Dont mind telling you, in my humble fash
That you thrill me through, with a tender pash,
When you said you care, magine my emoshe
I swore then and there, permanent devoshe,
You made all other men seem blah
Just you alone filled me with ahhhhhhhh......

12.he said a hundred people
had come through our room that night
that one by one the old and young
asked if he was all right

one by one the old and young
lined up to touch his hand
he spent the night explaining
they had come to the wrong man

13. Feminists don't have a sense of humor
Feminists just want to be alone (boo-hoo)
Feminists spread vicious lies and rumor
They have a tumor on their funny bone

They say child molestation isn't funny
Rape and degradation's just a crime (lighten up, ladies)
Rampant prostitution, sex for money (what's wrong with that)
Can't these chicks do anything but whine

14.He was a tall man
Raised up from the fields out pickin' cotton
In a hard land Where the ground was poor and the wood was rotten
But when he saw her
All those bad times were forgotten
And he believed, he believed

15.Arise, wash your face
From cinder and soot
You're a nuisance
And I Don't like Dirt

I will let you know these were the songs I omitted because I thought they would be unfair:

Big Top Pee Wee - Danny Elfman (no lyrics)
Christ Rising Again - Thomas Tallis (lyrics in Latin)
Perfect Stranger - Eleni Mandell (pure laziness - there wasn't a website for me to copy/paste the lyrics from)
Someone Loves You - Simon Bonney (laziness)
Shout, Lulu (the version I have more or less goes "Shout Lulu, shout shout/Shout Lulu, shout shout for three minutes - it is good banjo music, though)
I Like to Score - Moby (no lyrics)
Sourire - Les Nubians (lyrics in French)
Apache - Jorgen Ingmann (no lyrics)
Charlie Brown Theme - Vince Guaraldi Trio (no lyrics)
Fake Purse - Joey Santiago (no lyrics)
Uneasy Street - Big Lazy (no lyrics)
A lot of Sigur Ros songs (lyrics in Icelandic or "Smilish" the made-up language the band uses for some of their songs)
A lot of Charlie Christian songs (no lyrics)
A lot of Charlie Parker songs (no lyrics)
Any duplicate band (and there were a few that won't be mentioned until the next post)
Any mashup I downloaded from the internet (and there were a few)

Is it time? Not for me, but maybe for someone else?

2009-02-07T21:19:00.001-06:00

I Love Larry Wilmore

2009-02-02T20:51:00.000-06:00

I have been to those church services.

This Much Hottness and Cuteness in the Same Place at the Same Time Should be Outlawed

2009-02-02T20:10:00.001-06:00

NATALIE PORTMAN & RASHIDA JONES Speak Out from Natalie Portman

I had no idea two of my favorite actresses made a video together. Seriously, so much hottness and cuteness in one place at one time should be illegal.

Fortunately, I am married to someone who is living breathing much more cuteness and hotness, so a legal precedent is set. The Mrs. says to Natalie Portman and Rashida Jones, "You're welcome."

Obligatory Birthday Post

2009-02-02T14:07:00.000-06:00

February 8th is my birthday.

This is what I have accomplished in my life.

1) Married the best person in the universe.

2) Wrote a horrible train wreck of a novel, but, hey, it is a novel, and I can always rewrite it later, because there are at least two good bits in it.

3) Wrote four feature-length screenplays. All need serious work, but they exist now. And the popular myth is that you have to write about ten bad screenplays for each good one. So I am on track to write 40% of a good screenplay.

4) Wrote several articles, essays, short stories, and comics, some of which have been published and generated some money. (I include in this output the 400 blog posts on TMTOMH. This is blog post 400, by the way.)

5) Have an actual honest-to-goodness book in the works. This should hopefully generate enough money to support my hobbies, like the owning-a-huge-flat-screen-TV hobby and the owning-a-wicked-sound-system hobby.

6) Have a decent career with a company I love, which is a major accomplishment for someone who, until in his mid/late 20s, never really felt there was a place in the world for him.

7) Have become fairly decent at Guitar Hero/Rock Band and now actively seeks out parties where they play Guitar Hero/Rock Band because, thanks to the power of video games, I can finally be social. (Especially if they decide to play "More than a Feelin'" because I TOTALLY ROCK ON THIS SONG!)

8) Served on a number of organization boards, proving to the world that I can sit through an entire meeting without rolling my eyes, making snoring noises, or drawing cruel caricatures of the other meeting participants complete with word bubbles that read, "I am a big dorkus malorkus."

9) Worked through pretty much all of my issues with my parents and family. Or, at least, got to the point where I can truly enjoy the company of my family. They are a bunch of pretty neat people. Except that one we all shun. (Ok, that was a joke, because I'm pretty sure all of my relatives reading this thought to themselves when reading that sentence, "I am the one they all shun." No one in my family is shunned. Everyone is complained about, but no one is shunned. Think of it as a lovable quirk.)

10) As Mario, I saved the Princess.

These are my goals for the next few years.

1) Want to get a MA before I turn 40. Already enrolled in classes and working towards it.

2) Want to do a three-day, 60-mile Susan G. Komen walk this autumn.

3) Want to finally make a short film of some sort instead of just talk about it.

4) Want to make a music video of some sort instead of just talk about it.

5) Want to leave the world a better place than I found it.

Why I Like Formulas

2009-01-28T15:37:00.000-06:00

I can be a jerk sometimes when it comes to entertainment, because it is not enough for you to like the right movies and television shows, but you have to like them for the right reasons as well. (I am working on this, but it is hard.)

If you like don't like Pulp Fiction because it is a meditation on the American identity from a class and race perspective, ultimately drawing the conclusion that what makes us truly Americans is our shared love popular culture, and instead like the movie because it is freakin' cool how Bruce Willis chops The Gimp with a samurai sword, I will probably tell you I am not a big fan of Quentin Tarantino's work.

(Although, truth be told, I freakin' love Pulp Fiction because it is a mediation on the American identity from a class and race perspective, ultimately drawing the conclusion that what makes us truly Americans is our shared love of popular culture. And, ok, that samurai sword bit was kinda freakin' awesome, but only because it was SYMBOLIC.)

I am a horrible snob about some things and try to keep this in check. Sometimes it eeks out. For example, when someone dismisses a movie or television show because it is too formulaic, I go nuts.

My quip is usually a sarcastic, "Well, yeah. Because dramatic structure is never formulaic." Then I roll my eyes. Then I look down my nose. Then I point to their shirt and say, "You've got something right the- OOOOP!" and I flip their nose as soon as they begin to look down. Because that is the formulaic behavior of someone who is being a condescending jerk.

Formulas are great. No one should complain about something being formulaic because the fundamentals of storytelling can be distilled into simple formulas. Three Act Structure. Five Act Structure. Boy Meets Girl, Boy Loses Girl, but Boy Finds Girl Again and Girl Turns Out to be a Killer Robot from the Future. These stories have been with us since the Ancient Greeks and probably earlier. As long as Robot Girlfriends are going back in time, we will have formulas.

I can understand how someone might get perturbed because they understand the formula enough to predict what is going to happen thus destroying any sense of tension and drama, but the criticism should not be leveled at the formula, but the execution of the formula. People know how Romeo and Juliet is going to end, but that doesn't stop them from watching it again with different actors. Don't blame the structure, blame the interpretation.

For someone who aspires to be a creative writer in the mediums of film and/or television, it is important not only to respect formulas, but to be able to interact with them and make them your own. Understand the rules of this particular universe and add variables that are uniquely your own.

Of course, all of the blog post up to this point is a ruse to trick everyone into hearing me talk about things I have written.

To become a television writer, you have to write scripts for existing shows and add them to your portfolio. This shows agents and people who might hire you that you have a fundamental understanding of the characters, the expectations, and the limitations of the show. In other words, you show how well do you use the formula.

Because I am bored a lot and because I daydream about being an underpaid and overworked television writer, I have written two such scripts for my portfolio, an Arrested Development script and an Office script. I shall now pitch you the scripts and you can determine how closely I was able to adhere to the formulas for each show.

If you are not familiar with the shows, this is going to sound like utter gobbeldygook. However, if you have seen these shows, imagine how these ideas fit in with a typical episode. And if you think I missed the mark, feel free to tell me how. I won't be getting a job in the entertainment industry any time soon, so telling me I don't have a future in Los Angeles will not hurt my feelings.

Arrested Development - Gob wants money so he can open a woman's clothing store named Perfectly Fit. The idea is that there is only one size of clothing available, and it is GOB's idea of what a perfectly fit woman's proportions should be. Michael misinterprets an overheard conversation and thinks George Michael wants to become a male model. Michael agrees to fund Gob's venture if he hires George Michael as a male model. Buster has an uncomfortable moment in a men's room which leads to him getting a stalker.

The Office - The Friday before Labor Day, Michael has accidentally approved vacation for everyone, giving everyone the office (except him and Dwight) a four-day weekend. No one is there to attend the Labor Day party Michael was planning (this year's theme - "Going into Labor"). So Michael and Dwight go from house to house, telling people to come back into the office and have some fun before they have their now three-day weekend. Stanley tries to have a barbecue.

So there you go. Formulas in action! Thank you for your time.

Facebook Shennanigans

2009-01-26T10:21:00.000-06:00

This is an example of what happens when you are friends with your parents on Facebook.

This is Every Film Conversation I Have Ever Had with My Wife

2009-01-22T20:45:00.000-06:00

Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.

The Secret of My Success

2009-01-22T12:09:00.000-06:00

Microwave Etiquette

2009-01-08T11:45:00.001-06:00

I work in a building that has roughly one microwave for every 60 or 70 people. And out of those 60 or 70 people, maybe 5 of them know how to use proper microwave etiquette.

So. As a public service. Here are some simple guidelines to follow. By doing so, the person behind you in line is not as likely to kill you.

1) When in doubt, use the Popcorn button.

Back in the day when people wrote Lean Cuisine instructions, microwaves looked like this:

Now they look like this:

Microwave programming technology has just exploded the last decade, going leaps and bounds past the Lean Cuisine cooking instruction technology. So when the Lean Cuisine cooking instructions tell you to microwave on HIGH for three minutes, it is quite possible to look on the microwave and not see a HIGH button and sometimes not even see a place to put in three minutes.

When this is the case, just hit the Popcorn button.

If you open up the microwave and the food is still cold, just press the Popcorn button again. That is why the Popcorn button is there, not to make popcorn, but to be the place where you go when you don't know what else to do.

2) Stopping the microwave 5 seconds before it is done DOES NOT HELP ANYONE.

When there is a line of people waiting and everyone is staring at the microwave clock, counting down along with the display, there is a lot of pressure and anticipation. I know all of this attention might make you think they all wish the microwave would just go ahead and beep so they could put their own food in it. And I know you might think stopping the microwave with five seconds left would make everyone sigh with relief, knowing that they will not get to eat five seconds quicker than before.

You would be wrong.

Watching the countdown is a group bonding experience. Everyone feels like it is New Years Eve, counting in unison from ten to one and ending in a satisfying beep. Stopping the microwave before this interrupts the flow and makes everyone a little dissatisfied with the entire microwave experience.

PLUS, it leaves the time on the microwave, so someone will have to clear out the old time before pressing the Popcorn button. So your lame-o attempt to save everyone five seconds results in creating a lot more than five seconds waiting time for the line.

So just don't do it.

3) If you have one of those meals that require you to stir and heat again, let people know this.

A lot of meals need to be tested or stirred before they can be eaten. If this is one of those meals (for example, if you are using the Popcorn button on a seven-layer lasagna and don't know if it will be done after one round of Popcorn buttoning or two), then let people how it is. No one will mind as much as they will mind hearing the satisfying beep thinking their food is going in next and then realizing that they have to wait one more Popcorn cycle before being able to heat their foods.

Don't toy with people's emotions like this.

4) Don't leave the microwave unattended until you have your hot food.

This goes for everyone - people at the microwave and people waiting in line. I know our lives are so incredibly busy we cannot wait in line for three cycles of Popcorn buttoning, but that is why you have a Blackberry or an iPhone. And if you don't have some sort of mobile device, then come with a book or a sudoku puzzle.

The trick is not to leave the line. The purpose of the line is to establish an order of people waiting for the microwave. If there is a cloud of people mingling around the microwaves, coming and going and hoping the microwaves will be magically available three to six minutes later, you are just living a fool's dream. And you will probably die in line for the microwave.

5) If you leave the microwave unattended, you lose your right to throw a hissy fit.

If your food is in the microwave and you walk away, only to come back later and find your food on the counter, cooled to the point where you have to microwave it again, you do not have the right to yell at the person using the microwave now. You do not have the right to cut in the line for the microwave just to reheat your food a little.

You only have the right to go to the end of the line and patiently wait your turn. You cannot complain. You cannot sigh heavily or roll your eyes. You have lost and have to restart.

Same goes for waiting in line. If you are waiting in line and leave for some reason, you do not magically get your place back in line. And don't ask someone to save your place in line. I know these are the general rules for lines - you can ask someone to save your place and you get cutsies if you need them. But we are talking about food, here. We are talking about LUNCH in the OFFICE. This is the only touch of joy some people get in their days, so respect that.

6) Make sure everyone is aware of the line.

When someone comes by on a cellphone and cuts in front of everyone else, pretending that he didn't see anyone because he is SO DAMN FOCUSED ON HIS CONVERSATION THAT HE DOESN'T NOTICE THE GROUP OF PEOPLE WAITING FOR THE MICROWAVE, violence is permissible. Sporks can cause some real damage if used properly.

Cellphones do not magically give people a pass on the rules of the line. And if someone is speaking loudly, this does not strengthen the magic cellphone bubble around that person - it just means the person is an insufferable jerk and nothing will penetrate their self-absorbed cloud of obnoxiousness except the pain brought on by a good spork to the face.

Because if that person was really all that important, that person would have an assistant or a catered lunch. That person would not need to be in line for the microwave.

7) Don't burn the popcorn.

Seriously, the Popcorn button works for a reason. Mucking with anything else is just asking for trouble. And burnt popcorn is a dang-nasty smell. No one likes smelling that, and you don't want to be known as the person who causes noxious fumes in the office.

Thank you for your time.

Fun Little Book for Film Obsessives

2009-01-06T21:45:00.000-06:00

I am obsessed with movies. So when I read Zeroville by Steve Erikson and discovered within a few pages that the main character is obsessed with movies, I said, "Hey, this guy is like me." I then showed chunks of text to the Mrs. and she said, "That certainly sounds like you."

And then, about halfway through the book I realize that the main character is supposed to be emotionally disturbed on a deep, fundamental level. Ach.

I read to connect with other people. I am not good when I talk about the weather or how your kids are doing in school or about this darn economy. But get me talking about books or film or the ideas behind them and -WHOA NELLY- stand back because I won't shut up.

In January '08 I heard a Spout.com podcast from Karina Longworth about how she was visiting the Sundance film festival and realized the spirit of American Independent film was not on the screen as much as in a book she was reading in the hotel room at the end of the day.

I had to read that book.

Zeroville is a ready-made story for film obsessives. The main character is a film obsessive and the entire book is written with a series of oblique, unexplained references to film history and Hollywood lore. (Seriously, if you don't know the story about the film print of Carl Theodor Dreyer's The Passion of Joan of Arc, major plot points will be lost on you.)

Vikar, the main character shaves his head and tattoos Montgomery Clift on one half of his scalpand Elizabeth Taylor on the other half. He does this in honor of his favorite movie, A Place in the Sun. In one of the opening scenes, someone thinks the tattoos are of Nathalie Wood and James Dean, and that person gets beaten with a lunch tray because Rebel Without a Cause (Two-Disc Special Edition) is not a very good movie.

Then it gets stranger.

Vikar moves to Hollywood the weekend of the Manson murders and stays there into the 1980s. While there, he meets many different directors, editors, producers, and actors, some real, some fictional. Vikar gets involved with the film industry as works as an editor, not so much to create films but to feed his film obsession.

The book is about what it is to be obsessed with movies and what a beautiful yet horrible thing that can be. There are some scenes of frank violence interspersed between passages of very beautiful discussions of what makes art powerful.

If I were going to lob any complaints at the book, it would be that it falls into a few cutesy post-modern traps. The chapter numbers go up to a certain point, and then start descending. So you read Chapters 1 through 227 and then start reading from Chapter 227 back down to Chapter 1. And the ending of the book falls a little flat. But that is not what makes the book special.

What makes it special is that it articulates the joy, the passion, and a bit of the madness that it takes to be completely obsessed with movies.

In other words, I recommend this book.

Trailer to Make Up for the Last Post

2009-01-05T22:55:00.000-06:00

As lame as that last post was, this trailer is the inverse proportion of awesome.

A Terrible Waste of Everyone's Time

2009-01-04T11:59:00.000-06:00

I get a lot of bad ideas. Unlike most people, I nurture these bad ideas and then dump them on this blog.

I was up past midnight a few nights ago when a phenomenally bad idea struck me.

What if Rick Springfield was a Smurf?

In case you don't know, Rick Springfield is a musician primarily known for the rock anthem dedicated to envy and lust, "Jessie's Girl."

The Smurfs were a cartoon where each Smurf had a single defining characteristic which was part of his name (e.g. Brainy Smurf, Farmer Smurf, Hefty Smurf etc.). There was only one female Smurf (Smurfette) and she didn't date anyone because the other Smurfs got jealous.

So instead of being jealous of a relationship, Rick Springfield Smurf would have to be jealous of another Smurf. And, quite possibly, Rick Springfield Smurf would want to simultaneously want to love this Smurf and kill this Smurf and take his place.

And so Rick Springfield Smurf would write this song:

Jokey Smurf

By Rick Springfield Smurf

Jokey is a Smurf,
Yeah, you know he's been a good Smurf of mine.
But lately something's changed
That ain't hard to define
Jokey has an attitude that really should be mine.
And he's always got a surprise.
But is is really a bomb
I just know it.
And he never has a dark depressing night.

You know I wish that I was Jokey Smurf.
I wish that I was Jokey Smurf.
Why can't I be a Smurf like that?

I play along with the charade,
there doesn't seem to be a reason to change
You know, I feel so dirty
When he starts acting cute
I wanna secretly take his place,
But the point is probably moot
'Cos he's always got a surprise
But is is really a bomb
I just know it
And he never has a dark depressing night.

That Jokey Smurf,
I wish that I was Jokey Smurf.
Why can't I be a Smurf?
Why can't I be a Smurf like that?

And I'm lookin' in the mirror all the time,
Wondering what the Smurfs don't see in me
I've been funny,
I've been cool with the lines
Ain't that the way
Smurfs're supposed to be
Tell me, why can't I be a Smurf like that?

[Solo]

You know, I wish that I was Jokey Smurf,
I wish that I was Jokey Smurf
I hate Jokey Smurf,
Why can't I be a Smurf like that, like
Jokey Smurf,
I wish that I was Jokey Smurf,
I want,
I want Jokey Smurf.

Welcome to 2009!

2009-01-04T11:58:00.000-06:00

So here we are at the first post of the new year. I don't normally make resolutions, but rather set goals for the year.

This year there are some pretty big things items on the agenda.

The first third of the year involves me finishing, publishing, and publicizing my book. I don't want to talk about it too much now, because everyone is going to be sick of hearing about it once the book is out. I wanted to have this out by Thanksgiving, but couldn't maintain a level of work/life balance to keep on schedule.

The second third of the year contains the possibility that I will be involved with founding and chairing a film festival. Details are sketchy at this time, and it may not happen, but still, it is an exciting opportunity.

The third chunk of this year will focus on more personal development. I intend to go back to school and begin a higer-level degree that should directly impact the big pile of awesomeness that is my career.

This year also marks the tenth year of dating my then girlfriend/now wife. Not quite sure how we will celebrate that milestone, but it should be special.

Of course, I state all of these plans knowing full well they could not happen or fail spectacularly. That is the frightening and wonderful thing about the future, who knows what will happen?

And, of course, I plan to lose 20 pounds, read more, and post more things to this blog. But I know that probably won't happen.

Merry Christmas 2008!

2008-12-25T00:24:00.000-06:00

Every Christmas we write a Christmas letter and include it with our Christmas cards. Because there are so many people who only read the blog, I repost it here on Christmas Day.

This year, the Mrs. wrote the letter with very little input from me, and it shows. No spelling or grammar errors. No secret subliminal curse words. No photos of children crying.

We are going to be with family pretty much non-stop from Christmas Eve through New Year's Day, so there will be very little internet/blog time. After the first of the year, though, there may be some more. And possibly pictures.

Hope you have a Happy New Year. See you in 2009! Here is the letter:

Merry Christmas 2008!

Recently we wrote this letter from underneath the city’s annual coating of ice. We now pass it along to you, Internet Friend, even though it’s now considerably warmer.

It’s 25° (F) and sleeting outside. Traffic’s a mess. What better time to curl up with a warm laptop and let you know how much we are warmed by having you in our lives?

Now’s the part where we’re supposed to give you the readout of what happened this year. In the macrocosm, of course, it was a year a lot of people will want to forget. But in our own world, things went pretty well.

Big blessing of the year: RT didn’t have to travel except for fun. For a consultant in a we-all-travel-up-to-100% company, that’s amazing.

CT took 12 months off from boards, politics, volunteering, and zoning, in order to get some sleep. RT celebrated this by immediately getting onto the board of the Dallas Screenwriters Association, where he is beloved by his peers & works hard. CT goes to DSA meetings with him to practice her schmooze & gaze admiringly at RT. He had some scenes in the monthly DSA scene readings (if you’re in town on a Tuesday, give us a call). He’s also working on a book of screenplays, with the encouragment of his DSA friends. (For the backstory on this, visit RT’s “26 Films” blog at http://blog.26films.net .)

SALON continued! (www.invisiblemarketing.net/musicsalon) Hosted 2 jazz concerts (January and August), and wayyy back in February we had a lovely piano/oboe classical concert. Pleased that our little community of music appreciation continues to appreciate. Hoping to audition some new SALON musicians in 2009. Had trouble finding a home with a piano for a Nov/Dec SALON, but got to hear the musicians perform at a local Episcopal church instead. They were amazing.

This year was a pretty musical year. We renewed our subscription with the Dallas Opera (highlight of last season was Tosca; the best so far this season was probably Die Fledermaus). Interrupted by some sinus infections, CT began working with a Belorussian pianist (from Minsk!) on the Rachmaninov Vocalise and a song by Mike Capps called “Easter Wings” on text by George Herbert (http://www.ccel.org/h/herbert/temple/Easterwings.html ). Hopefully you’ll get to hear this stuff in 2009, either live or recorded.

RT also had a musical year. Within a few weeks of 2008’s advent, we owned Guitar Hero 1, Guitar Hero 2, AND Guitar Hero 3, with all the instruments and electronical accountrements appertaining thereunto. Our living room looks like a rock rehearsal. We added Rock Band 1 (without the drums) during the summer. He is quite the shredding axeman now. Everything from Stevie Ray Vaughan to Guns N Roses to Eric Clapton to Metallica pours out of our speakers. He jumps into the air while shredding and is more fun at parties than ever.

Other musical highlights: hearing Alison Krauss and Robert Plant live on tour. (Amazing show, very interesting musicians) And the Ft Worth Opera’s festival season: Turandot.

Travels took us to:
– Albuquerque and Santa Fe, NM for our 5th anniversary + catching up with Seretha/Stan & family
– Chicago, IL for Filmspotting meetup, Seattle for RT’s annual company holiday party
– Houston for time w/the Eppersons (now displaced by Hurricane Ike)
– Atlanta/north Georgia for a family reunion.
CT also went to San Diego, Las Vegas, and San Antonio for conferences.

Oh, and CT’s old trusty steed finally died at the ripe old age of 15 (~180,000 miles). Her Prius made its debut in our garage in October. It’s getting about 51.8 mpg, city and highway. Just in time for gas to go on sale for half price.

Please drop us a line and let us know what is going on with you as well.

In these volatile times, we wish you an energetic, healthy, blessed, and providential 2009.

More of us on the internet:

CT on Twitter: https://twitter.com/jucundi

CT on Delicious (fondly remembered as del.icio.us): http://delicious.com/InvMarketing/